Tumbit's take on Spain : Mr Grumpy

I don't consider myself a massive football fan, but I do like to jump on the bandwagon for games that actually 'mean something' like Cup finals, European games and of course, the world cup.

Every four years I have the opportunity to pretend that I know a little bit about football, and am well versed in nodding at the right places when somebody tries to discuss the merits of the defensive strategies of team that I have never heard of.

Of course, I have watched all the England games so far, and screamed relentlessly at the TV in the bar as they struggled against the 'mighty' Algeria, but I have also watched the Spanish games. ( I should say at this point that I have neither UK or Spanish TV at home and so as a result I am 'forced' into watching the football at my local bar. I think I bear it well, and never complain ) I think that I have been more vocal in my support of Spain, as my adopted country, than with England and looking around the bar during the Spain match the other day, it seemed that I wasn't alone. I recon that almost half of Spain's supporters were English, trying desperately to look as though they were fervent supporters as opposed to just being interested in the game.

Apart from bandwagonners like myself coming out of the woodwork, the annoying glut of football shirts and car flags, and the endless round of barbecues that company the world cup, life continues pretty much the same as ever.

Even though I have lived in my village for 6 years and are generally well accepted by the locals, I have noticed that since the world cup has kicked off I am viewed differently. I am a 30 something year old guy, quite stocky ( it's not fat, honest ) , with a shaved head and an expression that often looks like I am chewing a wasp. Normally this doesn't provoke much of a reaction, but given that I am English, and that the World cup is in progress it obviously means that I am a thug.

During the England matches against the USA and Algeria I am sure that some of the locals expected me to rampage around the bar at full time, smashing things up etc... and to be honest I didn't feel like disappointing them, but I managed to fight the urge.

So now it's preparing for (another) barbecue on Sunday to watch England loose miserably against Germany (hope i'm wrong!). I just wait for the day when I can be proud of one or more England players, regardless of the result, and to be able to say that they fulfilled their potential and played their best, rather than be disappointing.

The last time I think I was impressed by an England Players performance it was John Barnes in Italy 1990 – and that was for his rapping !

If you have read the first part of this blog you will doubtlessly want to know if an apology is due. Well let's just say that if I have been wrong, or have made a mistake I like to think that I am big enough to admit it.

As soon as I finished jotting down part 1 of my Blog I popped into see my Asesor, who kindly volunteered to prepare all the necessary Residencia Application Paperwork for me. This Involved him completing a very simple form on my behalf and attaching a copy of my NIE and Passport ( He didn't say so , but I am sure the fact that the form was completed by a computer printer added a little weight to my application, as opposed to it being scribbled in biro ) - this in itself took less than 15 Minutes.

He had been fortunate in being able to make an appointment at the Residencia Office for the 3 of us for first thing the next morning ( Today ! ) so I was understandablly a little nervous about the fact that I had a prior engagement with a business meeting, 10 Miles away, at 11.00 am.

When I arrived at the the Residencia Office my heart sunk when I saw the queue of about 100 people around the corner. I had only 10 mins to spare until the time of my allotted appointment , and didn't want to miss it because I was stuck in a queue, so I called my Asesor ( I think it was the English Disease kicking in - I saw a queue and had the urge to join it ). He told me that I was one of the few lucky ones - basically I had an appointment and as such should just walk to the front of the queue and show my slip to the Policeman who would let me through.

It works like this : The Office essentially has 3 functions - Issuing NIE's & DNI's ; a Passport Office and a Residencia office. I don't know if this is the norm in every town, but here each section has 2 Desks attending to this : 1 desk for those who were lucky enough to have an appointment, and 1 For those who were prepared to join a queue resembling the line outside a Soviet bread shop during the Cold war years.

I felt like some kind of Trust fund Toff with a VIP pass at some Band Aid concert as I pushed through the unwashed masses, and once inside the whole process took about 5 Minutes. The attendant told me that my 2 year old daughter did not have an NIE Number (which was required in order to obtain residencia!), but that this wouldn't be a problem as she could issue it for me there and then !

The only slightly odd and frustrating thing about the whole event was the having to take my slip to the Bank up the road to pay the fee, and then return with the receipt in order to get my paperwork ( Isn't it odd that an official Government Building can not take payments by cash, card or cheque to streamline the whole process ? ).Even in the Bank up the road, when I attempted to pay the fee by Cheque or Card I was given a shrivelling glare - They were a Bank - “Why on earth would they accept anything other than cash?” - Why Indeed !

All in all the process took about 25 Mins. Painless and easy ? - Yes. Apology due ? - Begrudgingly so.

Costs :

- Fees for 3 x Residencia Applications - 30 Euros

- Bank Fees for 3 x Applications - 9 Euros

- Asesor Fees - 20 Euros *

- 3 x Sets of Passport Photo's - 18 Euros

* My Asesor Charges me Quarterly for a combination of other non-associated services at a rate of 90 Euros per Hour , so this is a Guesstimated cost

Tips :

- Ask your Asesor to Make your Appointment(s) at the residencia Office to prevent you from having to queue with the unwashed masses for hours on end.

- Ask your Asesor to provide the forms and Complete application for you

- Take cash with you to make payment at the Bank as this will speed things up.

- Don't forget to take your Original Passport, Your NIE, and at least 2 Passport quality photo's with you.

George Orwell famously wrote “ Every man is equal - but some are more equal than others… “ in his book Animal Farm. Scholars say that this quote, and indeed the book as a whole, is an allegory referring to Communism. At times I wonder if he could perhaps actually have been referring to Spanish burocracy.

After meeting with my Asesor last week to pay my multitude of taxes, I was told that my Family and I really should apply for our residencia. I asked why, after living in Spain for 5 years, it was really necessary. I pay my Taxes, I work legally, I am a home owner, I am registered on the Padron... As a European Citizen living in another European Country, surely Residencia is unnecessary ? Surely it would not make me " More Legal " ? - Why is it that the Spanish Authorities follow a set of policies and procedures that contradict Central European Guidelines?

- Of course I expected a blank stare and nothing from my Asesor to counter my argument, and in this matter I wasn’t disappointed

I decided that I had nothing to lose in applying for residencia, even if I don’t fully understand why I needed to have it and what the benefits are, and so I asked them to proceed with applying for this on my behalf.

My Asesor tells me that the whole procedure is simple and painless - That I need to complete the required form ( Which he will do on my behalf ) and then let him have original Passports and Passport Photographs – apparently the other documentation that is required is already in the file that he keeps for me. I then need to go to the Residencia offices in the Town Centre to present the file that has been prepared on my behalf, and, if I understand correctly, wait 5 minutes before being issued with my Residencia Paperwork.

My appointment with the Residencia is booked for 9.40 Tomorrow morning, which should leave me with plenty of time to keep another appointment I have for a business meeting in the same Town at 11.00 am. Having lived and worked in Spain for almost 5 Years, I am sure I can be forgiven for being somewhat cynical that everything will run smoothly.

If I am being unfair, then you can expect a full and frank apology, when I will tell you how I get on in part 2 of this Blog, after tomorrow...

If I had the energy and inclination to look up on Google who it was that first quoted the phrase " Only two things in life are certain - Death and Taxes..." then I would do so, but unfortunately I have just returned from my quarterly visit to see the Asesor, and therefore I don't.

Let me set the scene - I'm Autonomo (Self Employed) and therefore I need to submit my IVA facturas every quarter so that the Hacienda can punish me for having the temerity to attempt to scrape a living. This means that every 3 months I need to collect all of my incoming and outgoing facturas - the Asesor then calculates the IVA I have been paid, and the IVA that I have paid out and I have a handful of days to pay the balance or else I am heavily fined by Sr. Hacienda. Of course, if it transpires that I have actually paid too much IVA then Sr. Hacienda kindly keeps this sum in credit on my behalf.

Further to that every June I must submit 2 Tax returns - 1 For my personal "Wealth" (Ha!), and one for my yearly business taxes. There is then a further matter of the yearly Property Tax from the Ayuntamiento that has just crept into my buzon.

So this week I now have to pay 4 Taxes for the year - so nice of them to spread them out for me to make payment so much easier.

However, this being Spain, it would be a sin for things to be this simple. I retain a small percentage of my earnings every month and pay them to the Hacienda (Basically so that at the end of the year I don't get an enormous bill, and in some cases I can get a rebate if and when I have paid too much). Last year I had actually paid far too much Tax due to my Tax code changing early on in the Tax year due to becoming a parent and as such I had a nice little sum due to be refunded to me. The Hacienda kindly allows everybody a couple of weeks to pay their taxes, however, if a rebate should be due then they allow themselves as long as they feel is necessary to press a button and credit a bank account. Last year it took 11 months for my rebate to be made. After chasing it for the 5th time with my Asesor I was calmly told to patient and that "this is way things are in Spain", after the 6th time of asking I think that they too were getting concerned and agreed to look into things.

My Asesor was told that I was being Investigated for Fraud (nice of them not to tell either myself or my Asesor!) - "Why?" - Because I was fraudulently claiming a Tax reduction for having a Child! - "Why Fraudulently?" - Because I clearly could not have a child as I was not married! (Gasp!)

It must have been confusing for Sr Hacienda as the (Spanish) Birth Certificate clearly naming me as the Father (with the child having my Surname) was enclosed in my File, so it must have been difficult for them to have all the details to hand. Likewise it must have been impractical for them to either pick up the phone to speak to my Asesor (or even cross the street to see them in person) and so I needed to be understanding that it could have taken 11 months to resolve this issue.

So I'm sure you can forgive me for losing my temper when exactly the same thing happened again this year.

AND, on top of that my Property Tax has come back fining me and charging me excess interest for refusing to pay the taxes on my neighbour's property. Last year I took the Bill to the Town Hall personally and offered to pay the sum outlined for my own property , but not for my neighbour's, only to be told that I had to pay all or nothing and that they would re-send the Bill shortly. Well they did - only a year later - and without the requested changes!

There are 3 things that I have learned from this: Patience, The value of having a good Asesor that understands the system & your financial situation, and that I'm grateful to be living within staggering distance of the local bar.

It is pretty well documented  throughout the world by now, that the majority of developed Nations are in the middle of a downturn in the economy. Governments and other enterprises are having to evolve and adapt in order to continue to generate funds from other sources and by different methods. The Guardia in Spain have been no exception to this and showed commendable enterprising spirit by ruthlessly and mercilessly persecuting Motorists over the tiniest detail Imaginable – the question is : Is this to Fine and deter Motorists breaking "The Law" or simply to top up the funds for the Christmas Party?

After a few Cerveza's I asked around the Local Bar to see if anybody else had heard of specific examples of any abuses from the Guardia, and as you can imagine a barrage of moans came back to me. In many cases it seemed, the Guardia were acting correctly, and that my drinking companions didn't see any reason why they should have been stopped and fined for not wearing a seat belt or speeding, or whatever... but there were a few other cases where the "On the Spot Fine" seemed inappropriate.

such examples included...

• Wearing Sandals or Flip-flops whilst driving (Ok, so some types of Flip Flop can get stuck under a Pedal, I get that - But not All types of Sandal....  Crocs surely are ok?)
• Not switching off the Cars Headlights on coming out of a Tunnel (Eh? - Not switching them on I get, But what harm can be done by not switching them off?)
• Not having a Guard fitted between the Boot of the Car and the rear seats when you have a dog in the car (Apparently the dog can jump over the back seat and attack the driver)
• Not providing an original (Not Photocopy) receipt to prove payment of Previous (Not just current!) Road Taxes.
• Not having a board fitted in a Box Van to separate the Drivers area from the Goods area.

Car number plates are also being monitored at the Tolls and stopped for making "Too Many" Trips to the Airport (What? - It seems that the Union of Taxi Drivers believe that most of us Ex-Pats are not just doing a mate a favour by running him to the airport, but actively taking their business away from them and leaning on the Guardia to fine these "Illegal" Taxi's)

There are already a few Motoring Laws in Spain which are not applicable in the UK that it is advisable to be aware of, but it seems that the Guardia have recently started to enforce them more rigorously - and even invented a few new ones to catch everybody out! My advise would be to read up on the (Documented) Motoring Laws in Spain (even Print them out and Keep them in your Car as a reminder) and simply to apply common sense whenever you are out on a journey and not to give the Guardia any excuse to stop you for any reason.

Happy Motoring!

With there not being a Correos (Post Office) in the local village, I have had a Buzon (Post Office Box) located in one of the Ayuntamiento (Town Hall) buildings for just over 2 years. When we registered for it we were told that there would be a one off payment 'For Life' and as soon as we took possession that would be everything sorted.

In my naivety, I believed that this meant that I actually owned the post box - or at least had a long lease on it. But no... It seems now that the Ayuntamiento have got wind of a grant that is floating about from the Regional Government at the moment. Something like they can be eligible for a Kings Ransom if they teach Retired residents how to weave baskets, or something equally useful.

Well in short, none of the dozen or so Ayuntamiento function rooms are suitable for this purpose (in my village of less than a thousand)… As such the building that formerly housed the 300 or so Buzon's now need to be demolished and re-built as a state of the art basket weaving studio, Or have some other function that will kick start the local economy in these times of recession... Yeah right!

Only last week I received a circular from the Ayuntamiento advising me that my lifetime lease on the Buzon was shortly due to expire ( … 'LIFETIME LEASE WAS SHORTLY DUE TO EXPIRE...' Work that one out! Am I about to die? )due to the building being required for other purposes, and would I like to purchase another 'LIFETIME' lease for yet another one-off payment ?

Naturally, I shot off to see whichever Jobsworth would be manning the 'Potting Shed' that day and it seems they were confused at my question... 'Will I need to pay another ONE-OFF Lifetime Fee Next Year?'

I'm a fairly level headed guy, but how is this even LEGAL ?

Deciding that the question must have been too demanding for them in my Fluent Castellano. I moved on to my next question 'Surely the cost for the relocation of the Buzon's would be covered by the Grant from the Regional Government?' ( Silly question!) The blank face and apathetic shrug had to suffice instead of my comments being noted and passed onto to the Alcalde (Town Mayor).

The question eventually came back... Did I want to proceed with having a Buzon or not? Well, given that I needed one for Business and the local Postman delivers no closer than the length of a Piece of String...( Just how long is piece of string...? Well it depends on how long the piece of string is, right? ) No, where I live the Postman feels that the " string " is as long as he can be bothered to deliver between coffee , chatting to the locals, and oh, having more coffee and chatting to more local folk...!

So what do I do ? ... Obviously I have no choice than to reply in the affirmative and reach for my cheque book.

Oh dear ! to make matters worse and my stress levels higher,I am informed that no cheques would be taken due to the administrative costs incurred in Banking them! ( Surely, again these costs should be absorbed by the regional government in lieu of the inconvenience right? )

No !

So instead of losing my natural calm and self respect and reaching for the nearest heavy object to batter them with, I reached for my wallet. No ! they could not accept cash either !

Ok, take a deep breath! All I want is my mail! delivered to my mailbox, which I have ALREADY paid for!

So, being fresh out of magic beans and Peter Pan flying angel dust, I asked exactly how I would be permitted to make this payment...

Ok, Here goes... I need to apply to the Town Hall in writing stating my Padron (Town Hall registration number), my name, address and OLD Buzon number... They then reply in writing telling me that a Buzon is available for me to have and to come down to the Ayuntamiento to make payment of the 100 Euros!

Once at the Ayuntamiento, I will be given a Reciept / Payment Order to take to the Bank where I make payment... THEN, I need to take the payment slip back to the Ayuntamiento where I will be given my key...

Can't hold my frustration much longer…!!!!

As I was already at the Ayuntamiento, with the cash AND it had been confirmed that a Buzon was available, I asked if we could skip straight to the next stage and let me make the payment.

The look of horror that spread across Sr. Jobsworth's face should have made be beat a hasty retreat there and then!

As it stands, I now have to wait for a reply in writing from the Ayuntamiento... Have you spotted something unjust here…? They have closed my existing Buzon... So, How on earth do I receive a letter to my Buzon about a new Buzon that might be available...?

The sad fact struck me - Not only was I put in a position (engineered by the Ayunatimento ) where I have effectively paid TWICE for the same lifetime service, but they have done this to take advantage of a grant that is on offer that is of no real value to anybody in the Village! There is already a " 3rd Age school of rural Crafts " ( Which I can imagine must be overrun with vistors ) just a 10 minute walk away in the next village! Yet we have no youth club or Swimming Pool!

Also the 300 other Buzon owners have to pay this fee of 100 euros to the Ayuntamiento...! So, the Ayuntamiento have netted 30,000 euros IN ADDITION to the grant!

I think I will throw all my weight behind email in future and insist that all mail and messages are sent electronically... Let's face it, it is actually better for the environment I am told...

So lets think about his for a second... Hypothetically, I do no want to pay for the new Buzon.. The regional government wants to write to me and tell me I have to pay more taxes. Obviously, I will not receive such mail therefore resulting in huge penalties and fines for not making these extra payments!

Am I liable? Yes, of course I am…

Grrrrrr!

However, I have a solution to this... Let us all insist we no longer receive paper mail. If this works, then the only people creating huge paper pollution is the regional government who, let's face it, are charged with the responsibility of encouraging less pollution...

Sorry Grandma, love the Christmas cards but email me from now on...