MONARCH v RYANAIR - THE

SMILES AND THE SNARLS

IT'S common knowledge that I'm no fan of Ryanair – and I doubt there's anything the Irish fly-boys can do to change my feelings.
Even their outspoken boss Michael O'Leary admits his company has ‘p***ed off’ too many passengers, which suggests he has finally realised that customer relations is a vital part of a company’s image and consequently its success.
Perhaps he should look at a rival airline like Monarch, who treated me so royally earlier this summer that I felt like a queen.
Ryanair’s business ethic is based on price – which is clearly what matters most to the vast majority of travellers.
They´ll queue all day rather than fork out that extra tenner for priority boarding and a reserved seat.
On my few trips with the O'Leary line, I thought I’d get the best of both worlds by paying for priority treatment. And all went well until I fell foul of their devious handbag scam.
My heinous crime cost me a €50 fine. It also lost O'Leary a potential regular customer...for life.
I believe Ryanair  have now relaxed the ludicrous ‘one item only’ rule, which forced women to jam their handbags into their hand luggage.
It operated purely between the departure gate and boarding the plane, at which point the cabin would be hit by gangway gridlock and the mass reappearance of handbags.
O’Leary’s change of heart is no consolation to me.
The way I was singled out and humiliated ranks among the most embarrassing experiences of my life.
Indeed, the abrupt hostility of the boarding steward who fined me is something I will never forget.
I was so traumatised that the easy option, creating space for my handbag by-dumping the Jeremy Clarkson hardback I’d bought in a charity shop for £3, didn’t even cross my mind.
So I reluctantly forked out €50 - and forked off into the welcoming arms of their rivals.
That is evidence enough  that low fares alone do not create happy customers.  A blend of good value and   good service is much more effective.
As a Ryanair passenger, I felt like a pauper. Now I travel by royal ascent with Monarch and feel like a princess.
I pay a little more for my seat, but the fear of falling foul of petty rules has gone. The cabin crew last time I flew were a perfect example of what customer relations are all about - and why Monarch are my No.1 for flights to and from the UK.
Cabin chief Vicky Toll and her colleagues were so happy and helpful that I did something I have never done before. I wrote and told their bosses.
The special treatment began early in the flight as the pre-booked hot meals were being distributed. I was hungry and ushered Vicky over as she passed my aisle seat halfway down the cabin.
“I presume it's too late to book a meal now,’’' I said to her.
“I'm afraid so, madam,’’ smiled Vicky. '”But I can get you a hot baguette if that helps’’.
Within a couple of minutes I was tucking into a tasty toastie.
The ‘can't do enough to help’ attitude persisted throughout the flight, with Vicky’s infectious enthusiasm rubbing off on her colleagues Jacqueline, Lyndsey, Nadia and Paul.
Now I'm not saying Ryanair's service is bad. But I suspect the O'Leary book of cabin-crew commands places customer satisfaction some way behind flogging scratchcards and that irritating jingle informing us we've landed on time.
What the jingle doesn’t say is that the schedule invariably allows at least half an hour more than the flight actually takes.
Ryanair ostracised me for life by hitting me with that €50 fine for an ‘offence’ which has since been removed from their rulebook.
Until last year, women travelling with Ryanair were not permitted to carry a handbag as well as hand luggage from the boarding gate to the plane.
With only one piece of hand luggage allowed, I jammed my handbag into my main case, making it marginally too wide to fit in their entrapment rack. Cue bad-mannered Ryanair agent to relieve me instantly of cash.
Ryanair supporters argue: ''It serves you right if you didn't abide by the their rules.''
My response is that the prime reason for that handbag rule was to raise money to subsidise low fares. Every woman needs a handbag. And what better than to make her squeeze it in with everything else at the best place for an easy-money scam – namely, the departure gate?
Unfortunately, Ryanair saw sense €50 too late to prevent  this old bag and her luggage winging off to a rival.
And I feel fine about it.