English is a Crazy Language
Sunday, September 4, 2011 @ 12:15 PM
I received an e-mail from a Spanish friend. Being single he is looking for a senorita and told me he was cutting his eyes open until he finds the right one. I was taken aback until I realised he meant he was keeping his eyes peeled. How do I explain to him that we peel potatoes but not our eyes? If you think learning Spanish is tough think how difficult learning English must be.
If writers write why don’t fingers fing? You never see a grocer groce and never see a hammer ham. If the plural of tooth is teeth then why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? This ‘conversation’ is already playing havoc with my spell-checker. One goose or two geese is correct so why don’t we call two moose two meese? It sounds crazy that you can make amends but you cannot make just one amend. Worse: If you have a box of odds and sods and get rid of half of them what is left?
There is no egg in eggplant; nor is there ham in hamburgers. Don’t go looking for either pine or apple in a pineapple. English muffins are not English and French fries are alien to the French. If you take a foreigner’s look at the English language you will likely become completely bemused.
Sweetbreads are neither sweet nor bread: it is the pancreas gland of an animal. If in quicksand you sink slowly; boxing rings are square, guinea pigs don’t come from Guinea and they are not pigs. If teachers taught why didn’t the preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables I don’t even want to think about what a humanitarian might eat.
It has been said that all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? We ship goods by road and we place cargo on a ship. Heck! We are a wonderful people. We have feet that smell and noses that run. How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same thing? A wise man is clever: A wise guy is dumb.
You can’t help but marvel at the lunacy of a language that says your house burns down when it has been burnt up. Did the fire alarm go on by going off? Have you noticed that when the stars are out you can see them but when the lights are out you can’t see them?
All this underlines the importance of writer’s flair; not only a thorough and tactile understanding of a complex language but the ability to draw on it to make your story come to life. I often use the term ‘word flattery’; I do for the written word what cosmetics do for ladies faces. I turn passport photographs into portraits. Do drop me an informal line; I don’t bite. Mike Walsh at
quite_write@yahoo.co.uk
Having said that; a reminder. Returning from my working holiday in Latvia I will be off the air from Tuesday September 6 to the 12.