Spanish Eyes, English Words

As Sandra In Spain, some pretty exciting events have come my way. However, the prize for the Best Thing So Far has to go to the invitation I received to the UK premiere of The Cucaracha Club. That's the independent spy thriller filmed entirely on location in Torrevieja, if you don't know. Lots of my friends were involved in the making of it, but that's not why I'm promoting it - it's a quality product that all the family can enjoy, and it really showcases the area where we live and the talent we can draw on.

Of course, now I had a major event to go to, I needed a new dress. Although I have about 247 dresses already - according to Tony, anyway - there was nothing that jumped out of the wardrobe and said 'Wear me to the premiere.' Nothing had that 'Wow' factor. As there was a distinct lack of sympathy from Tony, I turned to Billie Anthony Gaddess, the screenwriter, executive producer and male lead in the film. After all, the premiere was on his home turf, at the Darlington Arts Festival, so he'd be sure to help. Or maybe not. This is a mere man, talking about dresses. I wasn't enthused or encouraged by his response, which went something like this: 'Howay man, bonny lass, divvin' git up a height.  You'll lyeuk canny in owt, an' it isn't a posh dee.'

For the benefit of those who haven't been binge watching Auf Weidersehne Pet and Byker Grove in order to get fluent in the Geordie lingo, what Billie actually said was 'It's okay, lovely lady, don't upset yourself. You'll look nice in anything, and it isn't a posh do.'

Well, posh do or not, this was the best excuse for a new frock I've had since my grandson's christening last year, so it wasn't going to waste. I had a pretty good idea of what I wanted. Red - of course - and something not too dressy or casual, but different enough to make a statement of success, since I was with the team that had put together a really good film, despite the fact that many of them had never been behind or in front of a camera before. It was dress to impress time.

I had around two months to settle on the right dress, and I was looking forward to a few girly shopping trips with my friend Joan. And if we happened to pick up a few more frocks in the search for my statement dress, so be it. However, either Fate took a hand, or Tony bribed someone Upstairs as he imagined weekly shopping trips and hundreds of Euros being sacrificed in the attempt to find 'The One,' because less than a week into the search, I found exactly what I was looking for. It was red, it was smart but not too dressy, and it had the 'Wow' factor, and then some. The only slight problem was it seemed a  bit clingy around the tummy area, but I reckoned a week on the Cabbage Soup Diet and a nice pair of 'pull you in pants' would sort that out, along with a few extra walks for Paddy.

Joan and I didn't dip out on our shopping trips though, because I had to accessorise it. I got the sandals sorted pretty easily, and the bag, but we needed an expedition to find a suitable jacket. We struck gold inTorrevieja, and also snagged ourselves a couple of tops and cardigans for good measure.

I was pretty confident as I got ready to unleash myself on the glitterati of Darlington. The combination of Cabbage Soup Diet, extra walkies around the orange groves and lycra laden pants had worked their miracle,

and I didn't look half bad. I got admiring looks and compliments from men and women, and I felt like a million dollars. One friend was particularly impressed, and asked where I'd got the frock from. I told her it was a Roman Oroginals dress, which I'd bought in Spain. 'Ooh - that must have set you back a couple of hundred Euros,' she said. 'I bet Tony doesn't know how much you paid for it.'

She's wrong, actually. Tony knows exactly how much I paid for it. And for once, he didn't need resuscitating when I told him. He thinks you can still buy a decent frock with five bob and a handful of clothing coupons, so anything costing more than €10 is likely to ramp up his atrial fibrillation more than a little bit.

So, there's a clue to the Secret of the Statement Dress. It was less than €10. A lot less, actually. I didn't lie about it being a Roman Originals and buying it in Spain. I bought it in a charity shop in Javea, while we were on a motor home rally. It was priced at €5, but on the day in question, everything was reduced to clear to just €2 per item.

Yes, you read that right - my 'Wow' factor dress cost just €2 - around one-hundredth of my friend's pretty accurate estimate.  You can dress to impress for less - but don't let on to anyone, will you? I'm only telling you because I know you'll keep the Secret of the Statement Dress for me.

More about life in Spain and other stuff on my website Sandra In Spain.com

If you've been on my website for more than five seconds, you'll know that I'm heavily and happily involved in promoting The Cucaracha Club - the first feature film to be made entirely on location in and around Torrevieja, and when I was invited to the UK premiere of the film in Darlington, there was only one possible response. Flight and hotel were booked before screenwriter, executive producer and male lead Billie Anthony Gaddess had chance to think it through and realise that Sandra Not In Spain might be even more of a liability than she was on her home turf and withdraw the invitation.

If you think I sound a bit excited, you'd be right, because in my almost 65 years of existence, I've never attended a film premiere of any description. To be invited to this one, which features a lot of my friends either in front of or behind the cameras was pretty special, so I took a few lessons in Geordie so I wouldn't need to take a translator, researched the finer points of stottie cake, and packed the trademark red dress. Just to make sure I was right into the groove, I binge watched Auf Weidersehen Pet and Crocodile Shoes, so I thought I was pretty well prepared when I jetted out of Alicante airport on a two day turnaround. How wrong can you be?

When I was interviewing cast members for articles and I asked for their abiding memory of their time on set, they were pretty unanimous that the best thing was Billie's home made cheesecake. As a devotee of cheesecake, I can totally identify with that, and I told Billie that unless there was a cheesecake waiting for me, I was cancelling the flight. I also said I was working on the beach body, so a low fat cheesecake would be most acceptable. Well, the chocolate and banana version we got didn't quite fit into the low fat category, but it went down well, and it was a great welcome to Darlington.

Of course, this wasn't just a jolly, there was serious stuff at stake here. This was the first public showing of The Cucaracha Club, since the world premiere in Torrevieja was by invitation and the audience was mostly made up of people who had been involved in the film in some way, so they were already a little bit biased. However, the UK premiere at the Darlington Arts Festival was open to the general public as well as invited guests, so it was important to get it right. As the official - if unpaid - publicist for the film,  I was keen to find out how I could play my part.

That's when I found out why I'd really been invited. Billie tasked me with looking after Robbie Gallagher, who was flying in from Ireland. For 'Looking after' read 'Make sure that mad Irish man behaves himself.' Robbie might have a non-speaking role in the film as the assassin, but basically, you never know what's coming next, as you'll already know if you caught my recent interview with him. When Robbie wanted a quick drink before the premiere - and let's face it, he deserved one after travelling all that way - I found a nice local pub that did a good pint of Guinness. However, an Irish 'quick drink' involves more than one drink, and it's not quick in the accepted sense, so by the time we were on our second one - well, as his minder, I had to keep him company - we had Billie on the phone panicking and wondering where we were. Even though it was still 15 minutes short of the agreed meeting time. Billie has a tendency to get excited, but on premiere night he was on elastic.

It was a 5 minute walk to the venue, but Robbie decided we'd take a taxi so he had time to finish his Guinness and have a cigarette, and the lovely lady behind the bar assured us the taxi would be with us immediately. Obviously Darlington is in a different time zone to the rest of the UK, because 'immediately' was around 15 minutes later, and when the taxi finally dropped us off at the entrance, our phones were playing a symphony as Billie tried to find out what had happened to his friendly neighbourhood assassin. They have one of those push button things on the door to let you in, but nobody was answering, so Robbie decided we'd find another way in. The first open door he found went through the kitchen, and the legendary Irish charm failed to work on the lady in charge, who barred our way and sent us back to the other door.

This time we were admitted immediately, and if I'd had a real job, I'd have got the sack there and then judging by the look on Billie's face. However, he realised the need for keeping Robbie reined in, and nobody else was brave enough or daft enough to try, so I got away with it. We got through the film okay, and it was very well received, with people laughing in the right places, gasping at the shocking bits and generally getting into the film. It wasn't just polite applause at the end either - most of the audience were on their feet showing their appreciation.

I'd just started to relax and enjoy myself when the question and answer session started, and I was thinking I could get used to this. One by one the cast members were called out, and spoke about their experiences on set, and the audience were taking it all in. One of the unique things about The Cucaracha Club is that many of the actors are not professionals, they have day jobs like running garages, bars  and computer companies and driving trains,  It was all looking good - and then they called Robbie up.

He managed about four words before unleashing the first of several expletives that loosely rhyme with booking.com. And that was when the real fun started. Billie came close to a heart attack and tried to look invisible - which isn't easy for him - but the rest of the cast, and the audience, were in fits of laughter.  They'd already taken the film to their hearts, and thanks to Robbie, everyone relaxed and it was more like a big happy family party than a film premiere. Not that I've got anything to compare it with, but I bet nobody ever enjoyed themselves more than we did as we left the auditorium and formed a disorderly queue at the bar.

One of the perks of being an extrovert Irish actor is that people fall over themselves to buy you drinks and hear your jokes. And one of the perks of being a minder to an extrovert Irish actor is that I got included in the round as well. However, I don't think my liver was as grateful as I was for the industrial quantities of wine that came my way. Clearly some of the cast don't get the concept of the paparazzi photo call, judging by some of the expressions on Clive Gray's face. But then again, he was having a family reunion, as his son and brother had surprised him by showing up for the premiere.

All too soon it was time to leave, which didn't go down too well with Robbie. There was a bit of a cultural clash as he assured us that in Ireland, nobody gets going until after midnight, and if they go back home before 7.30 am, it's been a quiet night.  As the smiles started to slide from the faces of the weary bar staff, Billie took charge and ushered the big man out to one of the waiting cars, with the help of a few of the the film's heavies. Thankfully my duties were now over, and I could retire to the sanctity and relative sanity of my hotel room and relive a truly magical night. Billie, Clive, Yvonne Graham, Denis - you were brilliant, in the film and on the night. And Robbie I'll happily reprise my role as minder at the premiere of The Cucaracha Club 2: The Route of All Evil. That's if I still have a job, of course. I hope so, because I could get used to this premiere lark.

Read more about The Cucaracha Club and life in Spain at Sandra In Spain.com

The Cucaracha Club - a spy thriller filmed in and around Torrevieja on Spain's Costa Blanca - is finally hitting the cinemas after being awarded a 12A certificate by the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC). The UK premiere is in Darlington on 15 May 2017, and the first cinema showing is in Torrevieja three days later on May 18. Distributors in America, England and Ireland are also showing interest based on the trailer alone, so this low budget, independent film is set to make a big impact.

The plot line is pretty standard - a gang of international crooks are kidnapping the children of ambassadors across Europe and demanding big ransoms for their return. However, when twins Georgina and Jordi are kidnapped and their nanny is murdered, there are the makings of an international incident - and not just because their father is an ambassador. Events of almost 20 years ago mean the CIA, MI6 and various other organisations and individuals are interested in how it all pans out. The Cucaracha Club is the first in a trilogy of films, and while there is a stand alone plot line for each one, the audience will learn more about the events that led to the leading male and female characters - George Ramshaw and Elana Neumann - being in Torrevieja in the here and now. That means there are a few question marks for the audience, but it doesn't interfere with the enjoyment of the film.

The action opens with a flash back to Havana, Cuba 19 years before, and a tragedy that affects everyone involved very deeply. Fast forward to the present day, and it's immediately obvious that George (Billie Anthony Gaddess) and Smoggy (Clive R. Gray) still carry the scars. Now retired from the special services and doing their best to drink Torrevieja dry without a supporting cast, these not-so-special agents are recalled to active service, along with the new generation of spies and Careen (Julie Kay) who has swapped state secrets for the secrets of the bedroom in her new life as owner of a pole dancing club and brothel. 

George and Smoggy are members of The Cucaracha Club, a group of troubleshooting spies sent in to sort out tricky situations, and so-called because they are seemingly indestructable. Nobody knows about their existence, so if the operation goes pear-shaped, MI6 and the CIA can exercise 'plausible deniability.' The subtext is that they're also expendable, and it soon becomes clear that MI6 big cheese Cameron Carrington (Tom Watt) would be quite happy to see George and Co. erased in the line of duty.

There is no glass ceiling in The Cucaracha Club - the lasses get as much of the action as the lads. You can't imagine James Bond letting the girls take the lead, but it's clear George sets great store by the abilities and judgement of Paddy (Caoimhe O'Shea) and Charly (Charlotte Howarth).  For reasons that become clear during the action, he's not so sure about Elana, despite their previous personal and professional partnership.

The initial kidnap operation is slick, professional  and cinematically satisfying, thanks to director Rai Woods's great eye for visuals, and one has to wonder how on earth George and Smoggy and their team can get the better of them. However, as the story unfolds, it becomes clear that these disparate spies really are a club, and it's teamwork and trust - and a little help from their friends - that wins through.

This spy thriller is different from most, because there are no special effects or gimmicky gadgets, and no bedroom olympics and bloodbaths. It's an old fashioned film in the nicest way, because it tells the story through the cameras and the dialogue. You don't feel like you're watching the action through the window of a speeding train, you can hear what the actors are saying, and you can see what they are doing. There are hints of Hitchcock in the clean, crisp cinematography and the attention to detail in the framing of shots. The production crew make the most of the spectacular scenery around Torrevieja, particularly in the beach scenes, Elana's ride in the Trans Am Firebird and the climax of the action at Torrevieja's stunning marina and waterfront. That's something you're not likely to see in a James Bond film either. Eon Productions were refused permission to film some of Bond's exploits in the marina, but Siesta Productions had no problems securing the location, with a Spanish Navy submarine thrown in for good measure.

That said, any film is only as good as the storyline and the cast, and here again The Cucaracha Club ticks the right boxes, which is surprising since only Billie, Tom Watt, Robbie Gallagher (Assassin Harry Palmer Kilkoyne) and Dennis Baer (CIA Director Pard) are professional actors. Caoimhe O'Shea runs a bar - The Bog Road, which is featured in the film - Yvonne Haughton (Elana) owns a garage and Clive Gray is more at home behind a computer desk than in front of the cameras. You'd never know from their performances on screen though.

Caoimhe is a natural as Paddy, with just the right combination of toughness and Irish humour to make her a credible yet decorative spy. Yvonne delivers a strong performance as Elana, and you almost - but not quite - feel sorry for the villain when she finally catches up with him. Yvonne actually came up with the final line of the film, and it doesn't give anything away to repeat it here. Hoever, it's better still when seen on screen. She holds a mirror out to check for breath, before using the same mirror to tidy her hair after the scuffle and deliver the immortal line:

That's how I like my men. Just like my drinks - stiff and cold.

Some of the cast have appeared in amateur dramatic productions before, so they're not complete novices, but it's very different performing to camera, since the actors are supposed to be in natural situations rather than performing for an audience. Thigh slappers not required on set!

One section that really highlights the calibre of acting comes early on, when George and Smoggy are drowning their sorrows ahead of being recalled to active service. It's not easy being a convincing drunk when you're drinking ginger ale rather than whisky at 10.00 am, so the scene can be in the can before the bar opens for real. However, watch Billie's facial movements, and observe how Clive has to strive to enunciate the simple words 'active service,' and you're witnessing film acting at its best. No shouting, posturing or twisted facial expressions, just crisp dialogue delivered in the best way to suit the mood of the scene. Most of the performances are good or even very good, verging on excellent. Even Robbie Gallagher's non-speaking role as the assassin has a crisp, professional look about it, so it was good to learn when I interviewed him recently that he has a meatier role in The Cucaracha Club: The Route of All Evil.

There are occasions when the acting goes a little over the top, but that can happen in any film. Mark Lord's ambassador relies rather too much on facial expressions, and occasionally Carrington's PA - played by Karen Love - relies more on body language rather than dialogue to deliver her lines, losing the natural effect in the process, but these are minor criticisms really. The whole cast pull together to create a very watchable film, and for many of them it's a first appearance in front of the cameras.Another surprising thing about The Cucaracha Club is that it has original music, written by musician Peter Taylor, who lives in Los Montesinos, just a few minutes' drive from Torrevieja. He wrote three songs, including the theme tune, after reading the screenplay, and it's clear from his lyrics that he doesn't see espionage - or expat life - as necessarily glamorous. In fact, he feels the main characters are sad and lost, and just as much in need of help as the kidnapped twins, who, by the way, are feisty and fearless, just like their mother. This is the abiding impression I got, and it's what Billie, Clive and Rai intended to come across. That, more than anything, is what lifts this film out of the 'run of the mill spy caper' category. You can identify with the main characters, and you want them to succeed, and have a better, happier life once the cameras stop rolling.

The Cucaracha Club is not likely to win any major awards, but that's not what the production crew set out to achieve. This is no cinematographic ego trip - the film was born out of a genuine desire to create a quality product that will touch a wide, international audience and showcase the talent and the quality of life that is available in and around Torrevieja for all to appreciate. Beautifully filmed, consumately acted, and exciting, moving and entertaining in equal measure, The Cucaracha Club is one of those films you'll be glad you've seen, and will want to watch again, just in case you missed anything good the first time. I can't wait for the next episode in the saga. And I've changed my mind. Not-so-special agents? The Cucaracha Club spies are very special indeed!

Photo credits: All images reproduced with the kind permission of Siesta Productions Ltd.

See more about life in Spain at Sandra In Spain.com