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Hi All
Just been on the main forum and they have a thread which I think we should copy and send in all your jokes to keep us laughing. Please feel free to put good or bad jokes in here , so come on Ray start us off Hee! Hee! Haa! Haa! Hoo! Hoo! This message was last edited by miguelcarr on 8/5/2008.
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Mick & Pam 
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With you on that one arsenal, can not wait to meet you. Now thats what you love on holiday germans and cockney boys with there knotted hankies on there heads come on ma son keep them coming, forgot to mention my second team is the mighty SPURS the pride of north london
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Mick & Pam
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An old one.......................
Some bloke keeps ringing me and singing Stand and Deliver and Prince Charming down the phone. I keep telling to F*@$ off............but he's adamant
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Subject: Joey Barton Speaks Out
Joey Barton: "The first day's the toughest, no doubt about it. They march you in, hand you your uniform and force you to pose for the photographer while loads of fat, tattooed, skinheads shout abuse at you. That's when you know it's for real. A whole life blown away in the blink of an eye. Nothing left but all the time in the world to think about it. That's when it hits home. That's when you realise you've signed for Newcastle."
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A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely
Welshman.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep,growled fiercely until the
man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but
there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the
man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening
beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a
warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and
realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman,
cautiously, and whispered in her ear,
'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?' 
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Mick & Pam
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IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND ENGLISH
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to
the currency exchange window at the local bank.
there was Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to
exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller," Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla
fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change? "
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said," Fluctuations ".
The Asian lady said, " Fluc you white people, too ".
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Mick & Pam
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The Afterlife
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact.
'Mary. Mary.'
'Is that you, Fred? '
'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'
'What's it like?'
'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, then off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.
Then I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.
After supper, off to the golf course again.
Then have sex until late at night.
The next day it starts again. '
'Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.'
'Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Somerset.'
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Mick & Pam
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An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small
village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the
Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
Brushes
me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the
Elements.'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f***** liar......
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Mick & Pam
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Not a joke but still good stuff !!!!!
TO ALL WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1940's, 50's, 60's and 70's !
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Nandos.
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY,
no video/dvd films,
no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms...........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.
Only girls had pierced ears!
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...
We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!
RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on
MERIT
Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully's always ruled the playground at school.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!
Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
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Mick & Pam
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An old one but what a laugh
A man enters the confessional and says 'Bless me father for I have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month.'
The priest tells the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon, another man enters the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.'
This time the priest asks, 'Who is this Fannie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replies.
'Very well,' says the priest. 'Go and say ten Hail Mary's.'
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching very shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks, 'Is that Fannie Green?'
The altar boy replies, 'No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes'.
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Mick & Pam
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A hairy arsed biker was cruising along a California beach when suddenly the sky above his head clouded over and in a booming voice, the Lord said,
'Because you have tried to be faithful and true to me, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker stopped and said Lord, please 'build a bridge over to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want to.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenge of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific, the concrete and steel it would take. It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take more time and think of something that would benefit the whole of mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,' Lord I wish all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside. What she is thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says there's nothing wrong, and how can I make a woman truly happy?'
The Lord asked, 'You want two lanes, or four on that bridge?'
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Mick & Pam
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Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much.
However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that the had a deformity too.
Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said 'I too have a problem.
My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.'
She said, 'Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky.'
' Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching and teasing, holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'
'Yes, it is.... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long
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Mick & Pam
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A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's.'
'What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
The man replied, 'Get in line.'
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Postman Pat's Last Day:
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup.
'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the five quid for?'
'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'. 'I asked him what I should give you'.
He said, 'F**k him. Give him a fiver.'
She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'
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Mick & Pam
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A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, your turn,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
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“One winter morning during breakfast a husband and wife (who was a blonde) in northern Minnesota were listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park..." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
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