Jokes Please

need a new thread to cheer us all up (winter blues 'til I see the sunny skys over Condado) - keep 'em clean

Did you hear the one about the magic tractor ?

It went up the lane and turned into a field !  (boom boom)

Me like this one!

A scouse girl was signing on at the benefits office, " any children" asks the interviewer. 13 she replies, all boys. My my you have been busy what are their names? They are all called Wayne she replies. Is that not confusing? the interviewer retorted. Not at all, in fact it is great, when it is tea time I just shout Wayne out the back door and they all come in. Wayne, do your homework and they all do it, Wayne time for bed and up they all go. I see, said the interviewer but what if you want to just speak to one of them? thats easy, I just call them by their surnames.

Cheers Dakey

What do you call a bloke from a Cardiff in a suit ?

The accused.

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

DAM!   

what kind of buscuit flies?

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A wee plain buscuit  Boom Boom

Superman flying high in the sky, sees Wonderwoman sunbathing naked by her private pool.

Remembering past liasons with her decides to fly down for old times sake, park his bike and give her a nice surprise................ the Invisible Man was not best pleased..............

Joke for Dakey

A Manc girl went to the benefits office to claim benefits for her 14th child [ Shameless Channel 4 ].

When asked for the fathers name, she said that was like asking which bean in the can made you fart.

Mark

Two blondes lock thier keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.

Finally the first blonde says "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blond replies, "keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down".

Two blondes came into the Condado bar, sat down, and ordered drinks. They were making merry in a serious way (the Quiet Man was not happy) and it was obvious to the barman that they were celebrating something big. His curiosity finally got the better of him and he says " I hate to be nosy, but it's obvious that you two are celebrating something big. What's the occasion" One blonde replies "Well, we are just sooo proud of ourselves, because we just finished - just the two of us alone - a 50 piece jigsaw puzzle in only 3 days." Confused, the bartender says "So?", to which the other blonde says "Well, on the box it says 3 - 5 years"

Irishman trying to learn golf and having a terrible time of it. "I'd give just about anything to get this right!" he says aloud.

Straight on the Devil appears and says "Anything?"

"Well, short of selling my soul, yes."

"How about giving up sex for the rest of your life?"

"Done and done!" He finishes the game in rare good form and rumor of his deal spreads thru the clubhouse. One of the members, a reporter, sees a story here and asks him, "Sir, is it true you made a deal with the Devil to become a great golfer?"

"True, enough."

"And you gave up sex as your part of the bargain?"

"True again!"

"And may I have your name, sir?"

"Certainly. Father Mike O'Ryan."

Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What the heck is taking so long?"

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."

"Good lord!" his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

How do you make Lady GaGa cry...............?

Poke her face!

(some of you might not get it)

I thangyou....

WW 

Have you heard of the Welsh version of The silence of the lambs.

Its called Shut up ewe. 

A guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when 
This big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it 
Down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to 
Say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?' 
 
The poor guy starts crying. 
 
'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't 
Think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.' 
 
'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. I 
Can't do anything right.' 'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, 
So my boss fired me.' 'When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was 
Stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took 
Home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came 
To this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then 
You show up and...............................................................................

drink the damn poison!

This is an old one but it still makes me laugh when I read it!!!

It’s funny how the older you get the more I’m able to multi task. I can now cough and wee at the same time. I have also been known to sneeze, fart and follow through all in the blink of an eye.

Who said you lose it when you get older.

Hey Welshwizard

Do you know how you get pikachu and the rest of his Japanese cartoon character mates on a bus?

You pokemon !!!

Some might not get this either :)

I'd love to chat on this forum but I'm off out in my  new Toyota Prius, so can't stop!

God created man, he looked at him and thought that it was good. He then created woman, he looked at her and thought, " that one is gonna have to wear make up! "

Cheers Dakey

My mates wife left him on Tuesday. She said she was only going out for a pint of milk and he hasn't seen her since. I asked him "How are you coping?,"  "Not bad," he said, "I've been using that powdered stuff."

The dog is truly mans best friend. Not convinced ? Put your dog and wife in the boot of your car for an hour . When you open it, see who's most pleased to see you !!!!

We were walking in the park the other day with Wishbone and Gnasher.

A passer-by came over and asked  'Are they Jack Russels ?'.  We said 'No, they're ours !'

Tommy Cooper RIP