Jokes Please

Nice one jackie

Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"



Bloke from Barnsley with a sore arsehole asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, magnum or cornetto?"

No offense is meant to any Yorkshireman

On the same theme,

An elderly Yorkshire couple go to Spain on holiday self catering, unfortunately the wife has forgot to bring the gravy granules. You know I cannot eat my dinner without gravy said Bert, I know what to do, he said there is a young English couple next apartment down I will ask them if they have any. Bert knocked on the door and a tough looking skinhead answered with Union Jack Tattoos etc. "As tha any Bista" ?enquires Bert,  "P..s off, you Spanish plonker" came the reply!

Dakey

 
The Man Rules

 
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side....
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1.   Men are NOT mind readers.
( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1.. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the   other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football
or Golf .

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.   Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

On the same theme,

APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:
I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following period:

Time of return
Date:     Time of departure:      NOT to exceed:

Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak to another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my mobile after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be pissed off with me the following week for no valid reason whatsoever.
Amount of alcohol allowed (units) Beer    Wine    Liquor    Total

Locations to be visited
Females with whom conversation
is permitted
IMPORTANT – STRIPPER CLAUSE: Not withstanding the female contact permitted above, I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of the relationship.
I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree it’s not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost me a fortune in chocolates & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you on an unlimited shopping spree, should I not return home by the approved time. On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any stranger, nor shall I conduct in depth discussions with the said entity. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.
I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half), the above information is correct.

Signed - Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:
Request is: APPROVED     DENIED
This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.
􀀅……………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Permission for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to be away for the following period of time:
Date: Time of departure:     Time of return:
Signed – Girlfriend/Fiancé/Wife:
Location: From:     To:
Location: From:     To:
Location: From:     To:

APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE GIRLS
Name of Girlfriend/Fiancé/Partner/Wife:
I’m going out.

Signed: (me) _____________________________

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that was suspended from a helicopter. There were 10 men and one woman. They suddenly realised the rope was fraying , so all agreed one should let go, but could not agree on who. So finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up here life to save theirs as women are used to giving up things for their husbands and children etc, and after all men were the superior sex and must be saved ! When she finished her speech all the men clapped ...... Never under estimate the evil of a woman !!!

Got hit by a hired car the other day...........

It F'in Hertz

Paddy & mick were learning to scuba dive whilst on holiday. During the lesson paddy asks mick " why do you always fall backwards off the boat when scuba diving?" Dont be stupid replies Mick, " if you fall forwards you would still be on the F......G boat"

Dakey

A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double-entendre

and the barman gave her one

guy goes into a pub for a pint asks the barman what the jar full full of £50 is for the barman replies it for charity its called the barstaffs challenge.the guy asks whats the challenge staff reply it will cost you £50 to find out.stuff that the guy says late that night the guy is totally pissed and says right heres my £50 lets go for it what is this all about .the barman tells him he has 3 chalenges...1 he has to down a pint of vodka straight in one go no throwing up 2 the manager of the pub has a bad tempered doberman that has toothache he must go out the back and pull the dogs tooth...3 he  has to go upstairs and make love to the landlords 85 year old mother ...right the guy says lets get it on drinks the full pint of vodka straight by this time he can hardly stand the others help him to the back door and throw him in with the dog..there is an almighty racket the guy is screaming the dog is howling it sounds like absolute carnage 5mins later the comes stagering back in a right state his shirt is torn off .trousers torn off hes covered in blood barely able to speak he says...right wheres this old woman with the toothache.....      

guy goes into a pub for a pint asks the barman what the jar full full of £50 is for the barman replies it for charity its called the barstaffs challenge.the guy asks whats the challenge staff reply it will cost you £50 to find out.stuff that the guy says late that night the guy is totally pissed and says right heres my £50 lets go for it what is this all about .the barman tells him he has 3 chalenges...1 he has to down a pint of vodka straight in one go no throwing up 2 the manager of the pub has a bad tempered doberman that has toothache he must go out the back and pull the dogs tooth...3 he  has to go upstairs and make love to the landlords 85 year old mother ...right the guy says lets get it on drinks the full pint of vodka straight by this time he can hardly stand the others help him to the back door and throw him in with the dog..there is an almighty racket the guy is screaming the dog is howling it sounds like absolute carnage 5mins later the comes stagering back in a right state his shirt is torn off .trousers torn off hes covered in blood barely able to speak he says...right wheres this old woman with the toothache.....      

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'  

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

 I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

 Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

 We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

 The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

 And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

 So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.  So the little boy goes to his parent's room

and finds his mother asleep.  Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see's his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies,

'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.

The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'