Jokes Please

Tommy Cooper went shopping for camouflage trousers but he couldnt find them.

Later he went to see the doctor and the doctor said 'I haven't seen you for a long time' Tommy Cooper said 'I know, I've been ill'.

The old ones are always the best.

Two blondes in a travel agents , 1st blonde says to 2nd "Wheres furthest, the moon or Florida?" The 2nd replied "Hello.... can you f***in see Florida...?

Went to the doctors today, he told me i was paranoid, well he didn't actually say that, but thats what he was thinking...

How funny is this !!!!

Signs of a Modern Women

• I serve 3 meals -  Frozen, Microwave or Takeout
• House work wouldn't kill you - but why take the chance
• Life is made of choices - remove your shoes or scrub the floor
• All I ask is that you treat me no different than you would the Queen.
• I wasn't going to do anything today - so far I'm on schedule
• Double jeopardy- is when a women teaches another women how to drive

 This is worth a look and suitsble for the kids

http://thefunnypage.com/potato-sisters/
 

Enjoy

Ali

That made me laugh ( not Sue)

Barry

Guy gets stopped for speeding, the copper says "where's your documents?"  "In the glove compartment with my gun!"  "You've got a gun?"  "Yeh i shot the woman in the boot when i nicked the car." The copper gets on the radio "i need assistance". Loads of squad cars turn up. The armed response ask "where's the gun?" "I haven't got one!" "Where's the body?" "What body? I bet the lying so and so said i was speeding too!"

What do you call a man with no arms or legs and lives in the sea?

Bob

Q. Who was Everton's man of the match on Saturday ?

A. Wayne Rooney

(sorry Dakey, couldn't resist it !)

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead

                                                         The second worm in cigarette smoke -Dead

                Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

                                                Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration???

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service  .....

For all you sports lovers out there

US PGA Commentator
'One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold> > Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!    what have I just said??'

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
 

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets

Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

Theres more that was a wee selection

Ali

Hi best man in june looking for some good jokes/tips for speech,thanks Gary

My wife has threatened to leave me, she said I am obsessed with football. I said dont be silly,  ok she replied I bet you do not even know how long we have been married do you? I answered, Of course I do what do you take me for? its 20 seasons!

Dakey

A good little anecdote to fatten up a best mans speech goes something like; The bride walks slowly up the AISLE. she stops at the ALTER. and then she turns and looks directly at YOU, and at that precise moment that is exactly what she is thinking; aisle alter you!

Dakey

Only for the better, Dakey, only for the better.

Ali

Man comes downstairs to find his wife in the kitchen just starting to make breakfast, she turns to him and says ''make love to me right now''............ not believing his luck he takes advantage, when finished he turns to his missus and asks ''what was all that about ?''

she replies - ''the egg-timer is broken''

Wife:           "Why do you keep switching Channels"?

Husband:  "The golf is on at the same time as the porno movie."

                    "I don't know wheter to wacth the porno or the golf"

Wife:           "For heavens sake watch the porno, you already know how to play golf!!"