Fancy a laugh? Post your best joke

 Amidst all the political turmoil, crisis issues, referendums, taxes and dodgy constructors I figured it is always healthy to have a little laugh from time to time and the other day I received some jokes in an email from friend and thought I would share them with you! They certainly made me laugh. If you have any better one's please post them! 

Last year, after having dug to a depth of 5 metres, Canadian archaeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years.

They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago !

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 10 metres. Shortly afterwards, a story was published in the New York Times:

"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire at a depth of 10 metres, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians" !

A week later, British authorities reported the following:

"After digging to a depth of 20 metres in Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, self-taught archaeologist reported that he had found, "absolutely nothingl" ! Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless"

.......................................................

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. 

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” 

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.” 

Knock on the door and the elderly Lady answer's it, standing their was a young Jehovah Witness man, Come in, come in, she tells him.

Go into the lounge, make yourself comfy i will make a cup of tea, would you like a cake?, wont be long, the Lady tells him.

Coming back with the tea and cakes she sits down, gives the young man his tea and cake and says, right now tell me what you have to say.

Buggered if i know what to say,  the young man says......i have never got this far before.

A chap was walking down the street when he dropped down dead, his wife went to the undertakers to see him laid out and looking rather dismayed the undertaker asked if anything was wrong? the wife replied that her husband always favored a blue suit and he is laid out in a black suit, so the wife asked the undertaker could he sort him out in a blue suit...I will pay you for your trouble..said she, call back in a couple of days and i will get it done for you...said the undertaker.

Couple of days later back she came and sure enough hubby was all laid out in a nice blue suit, so whats the cost? asked the wife, nothing, no cost at all, said the undertaker, you had a bit of luck,  a couple of days after your hubby died another chap wearing a blue suit dropped dead, and his wife wanted him laid out in a black suit......

So i just swapped the heads over. 

My wife and I took out life insurance on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.

I just checked my Tesco beefburgers in the fridge............"and.....thyyyree Off " !

I had some Findus Lasagne the other day and my mate asked.... .. " did they give me the trotts " ?

 Valentine's day Today
So people , don't worry about getting me what you got me last year.

I've got enough restraining orders already.

 Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. 

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. 

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. 

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. 

'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?" 

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled blue eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya idiot!"

Two communists go on holiday together. One says to the other: "Have you read Marx". "Yes" he replies "I think it´s these wicker chairs" ...HAHAHHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Why did the man fall down the hole....

He didn't see that well...

Spanish Builder's.

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not to me, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

Love Hugh xx

Yorkshire guys talking about pubs.  

One says 'eyup, I know a place in Barnsley where you can get a pint of beer for less than 2 quid'. 

Second says, 'I can do better than that, I know a place in Rotherham where you can get a pint and a pork pie for £3 pound and 50 pence.

Third guy says 'that’s nowt, I know a place in Sheffield where you can get a pint, a pie and a woman for a fiver'

First guy thinks for a second and says.      'ah but hang on a minute.......who’s pies are they?

"I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her."

RIP Ken you were the best 

Love Hugh xx

A wise old man told me one time
That happiness is nothing but a frame of mind
I hope when you go to measuring my success
That you don’t count my money count my happiness

Happiness, happiness, the greatest gift that I posses
I thank the Lord I’ve been blessed
With more than my share of happiness

Nice one Hugh.

'What a nice day for putting a scotsmans kilt on upside down and saying 'Hows that for a shuttlecock'

From Brian to his Uncle Ken (thats what I was told when I was growing up ha).