It's been a tough year so far for us all so we thought we'd post some funnies to bring a smile (hopefully) and welcome similar material as long as it's not at the detriment of others please.
I Want To Smile - And I Want Others To Smile Also !!!!!
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
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Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
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A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go to those places"
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
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Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
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So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaaaahhh."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"
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"So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said
'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said you've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said
You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.
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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
"Does this taste funny to you?"
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said
'Parking Fine.'
So I thought that was nice."
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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it
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Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."
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At dawn, the telephone rings... "Hello, Señor Smith? This is Ernesto...the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Uh...I'm just calling to advise you, Señor that your parrot died."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International speaking competition?"
"Si, Señor...that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Señor."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed the parrot rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor, he ate the meat of your dead horse!"
"Dead horse? What dead horse?!"
"The thoroughbred that won the Breeders Cup, Señor Smith.
He died from a heart attack pulling the big water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor!"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the...!! There's electricity at the house!! What the hell was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor."
"WHAT FUNERAL?!"
"Your wife's, Señor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief.. So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
A long pause of complete silence... "Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep s**t!"
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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
Do you cry under water?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway ?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream ??
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Hope that put a little smile on your face....................
Darren & Michelle
This message was last edited by Darren_Michelle on 9/1/2008.
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Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know-What" in his hand.
Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!"
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Baz & Sue R10 - 36
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