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Oh Karensun, no. 5 is me silly, you are no. 2
Semi, I will look out for you then, well, that's if the police don't arrest you first!
Don't nick all the cash from the ATM's will you?
Else I will starve and I will become no. 2 again and it took me ages to get to no. 5
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FibbyUK
One off fee to pay your own La Renta tax (210 Form)
Check out my website:
http://www.payingtaxesinspain210form.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
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Fibby, I can't remember when I last looked like number 2.................even with rose coloured specs!!
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 ' Do unto others as you would be done by'
Now a non-smoker ! 
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Don't you wish that you had written this?
Subject: Passport Application
Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.
How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?
How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?
How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?
You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!
I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address.. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary ass on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.
Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!
I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN....
Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.
_______________________
' Do unto others as you would be done by'
Now a non-smoker !
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By the time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said,
'Why are you spending so much time on this one?'
And the Lord answered, 'Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart
-and she will do everything
with only two hands.'
The angel was astounded at the requirements.
'Only two hands!? No way!
And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish.'
'But I won't,' the Lord protested.
'I am so close to finish ing this creation that is so close to my own heart.
She already heals herself when she is si ck
AND can work 18 hour days.'
The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
'But you have made her so soft, Lord.'
'She is soft,' the Lord agreed,
'but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.'
'Will she be able to think?', asked the angel.
The Lord replied,
'Not only will she be able to think,
she will be able to reason and negotiate.'
The angel then noticed something,
and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
'Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.'
'That's not a leak,'
the Lord corrected,
'that's a tear ! '
'What's the tear for?' the angel asked.
The Lord said, 'The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,
her loneliness, her grief and her pride.'
The angel was impressed.
'You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing.'
And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness,
love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take 'no' for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go witho ut so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
Th e heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
_______________________
' Do unto others as you would be done by'
Now a non-smoker !
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Karensun that is really lovely! Thanks for your posting.
Julia
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KARENSUN THAT WAS LOVELY THANK YOU TEARS ARE STREAMING DOWN MY FACE I CAN'T SEE WHAT I'M TYPING HAVE TO GO AND BLOW MY NOSE, HUSBAND JUST LOOKING AND SHAKING HIS HEAD AND SAYING WHO HAS MADE YOU CRY ON THAT FORUM. I THINK IT'S A WOMAN THING .THANK YOU AGAIN.[ I WISH WOMEN RULED THE WORLD I DON'T THINK THERE WOULD BE AS MUCH TROUBLE AS THERE IS TODAY] SRP
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As I'm lying here in bed,
Keeps running through my head:
God bless all my family
Wherever they may be,
Keep them warm and safe from harm
For they're so close to me.
And God, there is one more thing
I wish that you could do;
Hope you don't mind me asking,
Please bless my computer too.
Now I know that it's unusual
While I explain it to you, Lord.
You see, that little metal box
Holds more than odds and ends;
Inside those small compartments
Rest so many of my friends.
I know so much about them
By the kindness that they give,
And this little scrap of metal
Takes me in to where they live.
By faith is how I know them
We share in what life brings us
And from that our friendships grew.
Please take an extra minute
From your duties up above,
To bless those in my address book
That's filled with so much love.
Wherever else this prayer may reach
To each and every friend,
And each person who hits 'send'.
When you update your Heavenly list
On your own Great CD-ROM,
Bless everyone who says this prayer
Sent up to GOD.com
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' Do unto others as you would be done by'
Now a non-smoker !
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Just read your prayer computor.
Really great. I have to pray harder though as mine keep crashing
Pat
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Just read these posts by Karen as I was in Spain & missed seeing them, all ace.
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** EDITED - Offensive content **
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Funny, sad but with a ring of the truth.
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If you're going through hell keep on going, you might get out before the devil even knows you're there.
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Funny, but sadly with a ring of the truth.
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If you're going through hell keep on going, you might get out before the devil even knows you're there.
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A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an
envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,
'Dad.' With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read
the letter, with trembling hands.
'Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a
scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy,
and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because
of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and
because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the
passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy
has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the
other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,
so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I
just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe
for me to come home :)
_______________________
' Do unto others as you would be done by'
Now a non-smoker !
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This is from one of the cleverest emails I've received in a while. Someone out there either has way too much time or is deadly at Scrabble!
DORMITORY when you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN when you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER when you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION when you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES when you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
THE MORSE CODE when you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES when you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY when you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS when you rearrange the letters: LIES - LETS RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS when you rearrange the letters: ALAS NO MORE Zs
A DECIMAL POINT when you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES when you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO when you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
MOTHER IN LAW when you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
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Be careful how you list contact names on your mobile phone! In the UK a ladies' handbag was stolen. It contained a mobile phone, credit cards, cash - all the usual stuff.
Within a few minutes a text message was sent to the name "Hubby" on the mobile asking for the credit card Pin Number for some last minute shopping items. A few minutes after the Pin was sent the bank account was emptied.
Now I know what we are all thinking, "I would never give out my pin number!", BUT a text from a loved one? A minor shopping crisis? It could happen.
Avoid disclosing the relationship between you and the people in your contact list. Don't use names like Home, Honey, Hubby, Sweetheart, Dad, Mom, etc....... And, importantly, when sensitive info is being asked thru texts, CONFIRM by calling back!
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Good warning More!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Julia
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Hi Julia, I'd only just gone to bed when you posted. Consequently I'm just up ! 
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