Like everyone’s life, my story contains times of difficulty.
Today's blog was difficult to write and for some may be difficult to read.
I promise you that my story does contain happier and funnier times.
Thank you for reading.
The Truth
The girls went back to school and Mum started her treatment.
I went to the hospital with Mum and Dad on the Friday, I was due to take Mum on the Monday to free Dad up for a business meeting.
By now Mum was unable to walk from the car, she had to be helped into a wheelchair and pushed to the various places she had to go. The three of us sat in a consulting room waiting for the doctor, Mum now unrecognizable to me, a blank look now fixed to her face, where once there had been so much love and light just pouring out of it. The smile she always found for everyone even those just passing by had gone.
The doctor asked a series of questions each, to the doctor’s frustration answered by my Dad. Did she think she was getting worse? ‘no’ was the answer given. He then asked again but this he told Mum that it was her answer he wanted to hear, she just looked at my Dad and shock her head, speaking was almost impossible for her.
The doctor left the room and I confronted my father, did he really think she was no worse? Yes, was the reply. I knew I couldn’t push him, they would stop treatment if they thought she was not at least the same as before. The truth was he was doing whatever he could to keep her alive for as long as possible. It was also true that since treatment had started she was now being physically sick and the pain crossed her face like a mask.
How was I going to be able to lie to the doctors, I knew I wouldn’t, treatment would stop as soon as I was asked any questions about how Mum was doing.
Saturday morning and I had been shopping for a few bits that Mum needed, she had not got out bed. More and more she was staying in bed, only able to navigate the stairs if my Dad carried her. There was no way I could do it, earlier that week whilst I had been caring for her, she had somehow fallen out of the bed and it took me three hours to get her up. The Health visitor really told me off for not calling an ambulance, but I had been brought up to only call in a life and death situation. She told me that mum being on the floor counted as an emergency and if it happened again, just to call.
As I sat on the bed saying goodbye and explaining I wouldn’t be there the next day, Mum started to try an communicate to me, first shaking her head. Do you need something I asked, she nodded, I ran through all the things it could be, bathroom, drink, she rolled her eyes and shock her head. I told her to give me a minute to think. Do you want me to come tomorrow? YES she spat out with all her might. Then I will be here, I promised.
Downstairs Dad begged me to bring the girls with me the following day, I very reluctantly agreed, understanding he needed to see them, but I really didn’t want them seeing their Nan so poorly.
When I arrived home, I told Barry what had happened and that I thought Mum wanted me there tomorrow because she didn’t want Dad to be on his own. We came to an agreement that if I told him to go, he would ask no questions and just take the girls.
Then we sat my two beautiful babies down and told them that Nanny was worse and was going to die. They were heart broken but we had to prepare them, because this was going to happen, sooner rather than later.
The car was unusually quiet as we made the journey over to my parent’s house. As we drove up the road, a figure began to come into sight in the drive way, it was my Dad, he was on the phone.
As we pulled in front of the house, he shouted ‘Sam in’ ‘Barry go, now’. We both knew what was happening.
As Dad continued on the phone to the emergency services I ran up the stairs to find my Mum, lying on the bed and struggling to breath. I found out later that Dad had been giving her a bath, when she started to fit.
Dad came in still on the phone and then instructed me to take it, they wanted me to do get ready to do mouth to mouth, I couldn’t, I just couldn’t. I handed the phone back to my Dad and he threw it on the bed.
Then the moment arrived the moment that my heart smashed. Almost twelve years on as I write this the tears are running down my face, my life really has never been the same.
With me one side and my Dad the other, both holding her, she ascended from her body and her pain was no more. It is the excruciating and most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. It was like all the colours of the rainbow appeared and rose up.
Then the peace, the moment was over with the arrival of the ambulance.
