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WRITER'S FORUM

This blog seeks to inform and amuse with news and views, information and advice for those with writing as an interest. Feel free to write to me direct.

A professional writer is an amateur who didn’t quit. - Richard Bach.”
Friday, September 23, 2011

Most people have a story to tell: a novel, personal experiences, poetry, romance or lust, family history, there are hundreds of subjects. Many people have a compulsion to write and why not? Theirs will often be a fictional story written in the third person. The subject is limited only by the writer’s imagination. Writing a story or a book is a delightful self indulgence that is wonderfully therapeutic; a pleasurable work-out for the mind.

SO WHY DON’T THEY?

The reason most never get round to it is because they cannot write well. This is like not buying a car because one isn’t a mechanic. This is where your ghost-writer comes in. The ghost-writing solution is to bring poor writing up to blockbuster author standards. It is a modest and recoverable outlay. Yes, it is recoverable because the enhanced quality of the completed novel or biography offers opportunity to increase the book’s cover price when it goes on sale either as a conventional book or, better still, on hassle-free Amazon-Kindle.  Sales of Mills and Boon novels increased by nearly 70 per-cent when they made them available on Kindle readers.
 
THE GHOST-WRITER (CO-AUTHOR)
 
Eighty per-cent of celebrity bios and forty per-cent of standard books are ghost-written; including those with famous names on their covers. You would be surprised at how many authors cannot write for toffee but they do have imagination and drive. Even Jeffrey Archer has a ghost to re-write his ‘scribble’. Your ghost-writer takes your work and by editing, adding flair and content, brings it to retail standards.
 
HOW DOES IT WORK?
 
The initial assessment of what you have written is free. If you are serious about taking it further I re-write about 1,500 words free of charge.  This will give you an idea of your book's potential when corrected, edited and written with flair.
 
If you agree pre-publication improvement is needed the cost of professional editing and co-authoring will be just €20 per 1,000 completed words, payable in 15,000 word stages. By doing it this way both writing and payments are completed in digestible sections. There’s no big bill when your book is publisher ready.
 
Within three months your novel or biography is ready for publishing. You decide whether you wish to find a publisher or at modest cost place it with a professional who will take it that last mile; who will publish and market it online for you. You can then sit back, cross your fingers and watch the sales kicking cash into your bank account.
 
There are no guarantees in life of course. On the credit side of things, being a published author is a great party piece; everyone is proud of you. You get invites to book circles; get your name in the newspaper; you get talked about.  It is a great ice-breaker when socialising.  In the unlikely event you don’t make a fortune you will, through sales, recover much of your outlay.  Be an optimist: There are many millionaire authors, mostly self-made; the only difference between them and you is found in the words; self confidence and perseverance.
 
Note: For price and service comparisons I recommend you Google ‘ghost-writers.’ By doing so you will discover that my price and arrangement simply cannot be improved upon.


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English is a Crazy Language
Sunday, September 4, 2011

I received an e-mail from a Spanish friend. Being single he is looking for a senorita and told me he was cutting his eyes open until he finds the right one. I was taken aback until I realised he meant he was keeping his eyes peeled. How do I explain to him that we peel potatoes but not our eyes? If you think learning Spanish is tough think how difficult learning English must be.

If writers write why don’t fingers fing? You never see a grocer groce and never see a hammer ham. If the plural of tooth is teeth then why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? This ‘conversation’ is already playing havoc with my spell-checker. One goose or two geese is correct so why don’t we call two moose two meese? It sounds crazy that you can make amends but you cannot make just one amend. Worse: If you have a box of odds and sods and get rid of half of them what is left?

There is no egg in eggplant; nor is there ham in hamburgers. Don’t go looking for either pine or apple in a pineapple. English muffins are not English and French fries are alien to the French. If you take a foreigner’s look at the English language you will likely become completely bemused.
 
Sweetbreads are neither sweet nor bread: it is the pancreas gland of an animal. If in quicksand you sink slowly; boxing rings are square, guinea pigs don’t come from Guinea and they are not pigs. If teachers taught why didn’t the preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables I don’t even want to think about what a humanitarian might eat.
 
It has been said that all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?  We ship goods by road and we place cargo on a ship. Heck! We are a wonderful people. We have feet that smell and noses that run. How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same thing? A wise man is clever: A wise guy is dumb.
 
You can’t help but marvel at the lunacy of a language that says your house burns down when it has been burnt up. Did the fire alarm go on by going off? Have you noticed that when the stars are out you can see them but when the lights are out you can’t see them?
 
All this underlines the importance of writer’s flair; not only a thorough and tactile understanding of a complex language but the ability to draw on it to make your story come to life. I often use the term ‘word flattery’;  I do for the written word what cosmetics do for ladies faces. I turn passport photographs into portraits.  Do drop me an informal line; I don’t bite. Mike Walsh at quite_write@yahoo.co.uk
 
Having said that; a reminder. Returning from my working holiday in Latvia I will be off the air from Tuesday September 6 to the 12.


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