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Isn't it so lovely to wake up to a Spanish blue sky and sunshine? The birds are also working overtime by singing to us. Two of them perch just outside our bedroom and chirp away.....who wants to lay in until seven am anyway....!!

In England late spring is a lovely time of the year as well. Everything starts turning green, especially the Tories, Labour, and Lib Dems in preparation for May the 2nd.

We holidayed in the spring in a tent once many, many, years ago. Have you noticed that it always rains on tents. Rain clouds will travel hundreds of miles through tortuous winds to find a tent that they can pour their water on. The weather forecasts aren't so accurate in the UK at this time of year, unlike Mexico where the forecast is always 'Chilli today and hot tamale'. Whereas in New York the weather is still so cold that 'flashers' just describe themselves. Of course one certain way to bring on the rain in the UK is for 'Mum' to hang out the washing.

If anyone is interested I have put the first book of the trilogy that was banned by 'wattpad' onto a book site called 'scribd'. The whole book is there, 422 pages. It's free to read, but bear in mind that it does describe scenes of both hetero and gay sex. They are there as part of the integral make up of the plot and not for titillation as such. To view it Google 'scribd' then put 'The Saturday Pledge' into the appropriate box to bring it up.

I have tried to put my book, that I wrote for my children and grandchildren, onto Kindle but they are having trouble with it as it contains coloured pictures and a story. I changed the format from pdf to Word but they still can't manage to publish it properly.....maybe I should remind them, there are NO sex scenes in the book....it's for children.

My wife nearly had a heart attack whilst out driving last week. Apparently a Spanish driver actually indicated in good time before turning. She said she might report him, but I told her not to as it was obviously a first offence, and probably would never be repeated. Our good friend Fiona is coming over to visit us and is going to rent a car. She's very 'canny' as befits a Scot. To save on mileage she says she's going to reverse everywhere. Last time she came my wife drove her everywhere. Once she said to my wife, who had just parked, "It's OK, we can walk to the kerb from here."

My son just paid a fortune to buy a personalised number plate. I told him it would have been cheaper to change his name....to something like B122MKT or whatever the registration plate was on the car he owned. Kids of today just never apply logic do they? Mind you he's not bright, he heard that most accidents happen within five miles of home, so he moved ten miles away. He has become a local councillor in the town where he lives, after a year into the job he now realises that the only people who really know how to run the country are cab drivers and male hairdressers.

When I heard that Arnold Schwarzenegger had been accused of groping six women I thought immediately that he was preparing to run for President of the USA.

Poor Ed Milliband, George Osborne and David Cameron, they can't help it......they were all born with a silver foot in their mouths.

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I have just received a phone call from Orange offering me a deal on my home phone & internet that is around 14€ cheaper per month than Telefonica/Movistar. The other very useful (if its true) offering, guarantees an internet download speed of 15m plus. Presently I get 5m. Has anyone had any dealings with Orange concerning home phone & internet? If so I really would be thankful for a little feedback before I jump ship. Thanks.

Not much on for Brits at Cinesur, Fuengirola over the last few weeks. My lady and I are going to see 'Oblivion' starring Tom Cruise this evening, as we're getting cinema withdrawal symptoms. I'm not a fan of Cruise, but he does do 'action' movies rather well.

I am well into the third and last book in 'The Saturday Pledge' trilogy. When they are all released later this year, and early next, I wonder if 'Banned by Kindle' should appear on the covers? I must remember to mollify Kindle in the future by making no mention of anything regarding 'Gay' people.

A recent survey amongst married women asked them when exactly they most wanted sex. 89% of them stated, 'immediately after their husbands had finished'.

There was a crossword clue in the Financial Times once, that went 'Listen carefully, or, a sexual perversion' (5,2,4,4). The Answer was - 'Prick up your ears'.

It's been such a long time since I made love, I can't remember who gets tied up.......

Mind you when my wife and I do make love she always laughs all the way through, no matter what she's reading.

My first wife went around after our divorce telling everyone I always gave her an anti-climax.

I have a number of books on Kindle. My latest offering was the first of a trilogy about two young men, both from vastly different backgrounds, and their journey through life, first in school, then university, and finally in government. One is gay, the other has an incestuous relationship with his sister that lasts throughout their lives. They are saved from death by a supernatural being that in return requires them to perform just one act that he will demand from them in later life. The book was banned by Kindle. They don't have to give a reason for banning it, but it must be because of the explicit sexual content. They didn't ban 'Fifty Shades' so it must have been because my book describes homosexual sex, as well as heterosexual sex, scenes. These scenes are an integral part of the plot. By the way it is the first book of a trilogy, and tells the story of their days at Rancliffe School, a prestigious fee paying establishment, much like Eton. I have put the first 10 chapters on 'Wattpad'. If anyone wants to see what all the fuss is about just google 'Wattpad' then select either, 'Raffles' or 'Joseph Dickerson', or 'The Saturday Pledge - Book One - Rancliffe. I have finished 'Book Two - Britannic', which covers their journey through university, and have some chapters written on the third, 'Book Three - Government'. The first book will be published some time in August this year.

I eventually received my money from 'paypal after some three weeks , and fifty emails. They admitted a member of their staff had put in the wrong IBAN. They were not very courteous in response to my many emails, and I shall not be using their services again. I had to confirm my bank details so many times I knew the IBAN and BIC off by heart!!

Lost: Black and white male dog. Is blind in one eye, has an ear missing, no tail, and walks with a pronounced limp as he has only three legs. Answers to the name of 'Lucky'.

My next door neighbour and good friend is Jewish. He is very proud of his gold pocket watch. His father, on his deathbed, sold it to him.

I went to the doctor the other day whilst in the UK.  He said I was a paranoid schizophrenic - well, he didn't actually say it, but the two of us knew exactly what he was thinking. They say that one out of four people in the western world are mentally unbalanced. So, think of your three best friends, if they seem OK, you're the one. If you talk to God you are praying....if God talks to you, you are a schizophrenic.

Walked along Fuengirola beach yesterday, there were lots of people sunbathing, and it brought me to this conclusion. If women dressed for men, the shops would only sell the occasional sun visor.