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We went to watch 'Savages'at the Myramar last night. John Travolta never disappoints, and Brad Pitt was awesome. The film deals with Mexican drug cartels, and if the news lately is anything to go on, the film was a fairly accurate portrayal of the scumbags that frequent that world.

Lovely to wake up to the sun this morning, it's why we came to Spain. Sitting on the terrace in shorts having a nice cuppa, you can't beat it.

I needed a bit of therapy after watching the woeful display of my team - The Canaries- yesterday on stream. I can't believe that highly paid and pampered young men can put up such a gutless display. Glad I'm no longer a season ticket holder....I think I'd ask for my money back !!!

A friend of mine is in hospital for an operation on his piles. Poor man, he's had a very rough passage this year.

It is reported in my local paper that a man went into hospital to have a bottle removed from his back passage. I wonder how on earth he swallowed that? I also read that in an Ipswich hospital  Mrs A is out of control. I wondered what happened, then my wife pointed out it was MRSA.

My granddaughter Laura is training to become a midwife. So if there's a problem at home will it be a 'midwife crisis'?

I'm lucky so far, still in good health. I'm teetotal, maybe that helps.  My body just will not tolerate spirits. I drank two whiskeys once and tried to hijack the lift to take me to Cuba.

Saw quite a few 'shunts' whilst out driving today. Problem is that after so many dry months the roads have a very thin veneer of rubber on them, and with the rain it can become, in places, almost like ice. One Spanish man ran into the back of another then got out and started to blame the other for having the temerity to be in front of him and stopping ! I didn't hang around to see if the Guardia agreed.....

Spent half an hour on the phone with Movistar today. How difficult is it to understand, I want the same contract but I am changing addresses. Took great pains to give my new address to the young lady who then said, "What is the new house you are going to?" After I thought everything was finally sorted she asked me what contract I wanted ! I reiterated that I wanted the same contract, to which she replied that if I had a new one it would be free but if I took the old contract and number with me it would incur a 50€ cost ! I am considering getting homing pigeons..........!!!

My son's business in the UK continues to be a roaring success, although he had trouble with his first choice of secretary. She kept turning up late so he told her that if she couldn'y arrive at work on time he'd have to get another secretary. She replied, "Another Secretary? Do you think there's enough work for both of us?"

A friend of ours confused her birth control pill with her Valium. She finished up with 10 children but didn't give a damn ! Mind you condoms aren't always safe, a friend was wearing one and he got hit by a lorry !

I think they should make Viagra for women, so that men aren't the only ones having to wait an hour.

UK has too much, here in Spain it's falling just right. Nice and steady, good for gardens, and helps the reservoirs.. I'm moving house, quite nice really, as not getting hot and sweaty lugging things around. The next obstacle is getting Movistar to turn up on the right day, at the right time, at the correct address, and having the right gear to pulse my ADSL speed up to at least 6 meg. I've lit every candle in the cathedral, danced naked at midnight around chicken bones, promised him upstairs that I won't blaspheme for at least a year, and look, I'll even be nice to my mother in law, if just once Movistar do it right first time........!!!

Although I'm an author, I always wanted to be an actor but I failed my audition as Romeo. My copy of the script clearly stated, "Enter Juliet from the rear..............................."

Sex therapists reckon that communication is the key to a healthy sex life, so if you're making love to your partner, for goodness sake tell them.

I really hate name dropping, as I told JK Rowling the other day.

Watching the BBC News just now, so sad for people who keep getting their homes flooded. They have no chance, can't sell - who would buy? First question on the prospective buyer's list is. 'Is this property ever flooded?'. Some can only get limited insurance. We all know that Insurance companies, like banks, SELL you an umbrella when the weathers fine, and then want it back as soon as the first rain drop falls. With so many unemployed in the UK, why can't we get a national flood defence network of structures set up, and employ people to build them? We can always find the finance for military adventures like Afghanistan, Iraq, and Libya, but never for the NHS, Pensioners, and worthwhile projects like flood defence. Even our coastlines are being left to the elements for 'lack' of finance.

On this planet Earth less than 100,000 people hold assets in excess of $127 Trillion. NB: A Trillion is 1000 Billion. Makes your eyes water doesn't it? Those people could solve all of the problems on this planet with regards poverty, disease, and the like. Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed......

I am a keen golfer, my favourite shots are the practice swing, and when I have been given a 'gimme'. The thing that annoys me terribly is when I miss an easy putt having been put off because of all that noise that the butterflies make in the field next to the course.

My granddaughter was asked if she could have a chat with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be? She replied, "I'm not stupid, I'd pick a live one".

A man is worried about his failing eyesight. His optician tells him he'll have to stop masturbating. The man asks worriedly, "Am I going blind?" The optician replies "No, it's just that it's very upsetting for others in the waiting room".

I have a very nice solid wood office desk for sale. 4 drawers on one side and a cupboard on the other, in excellent condition and no serious offer will be refused. Also have a solid pine double bed almost new with matching bedside cabinets, new mattress included. 952 448 430 or 687 715 246. Buyer collects.

Went with my lady to see 'Stolen', with Nicolas Cage starring, last night. For me he just doesn't make bad films. Great action entertainment. Only 2 other people in the cinema though. If people don't support English language films on the cinema here on the Costa del Sol, we may finish up with none...

Ryder Cup week. As a keen golfer I shall be armchair bound whenever its on. It's always exciting with a special edge that we have of producing good form against the Yanks.

My friend Kay Churchill's English Academy in the Arroyo is a stunning success, she now has a long waiting list. All this in spite of EVERY obstacle known to man put in her way by the idiot local legislators. She, and her team, deserve a medal just for getting it off the ground. Spain needs more 'start up' businesses, try telling that to the local offionados who are, or seem to be, intent on stopping new businesses by their obstructive red tape. The beaurocrats stick their heads in the sand like ostriches, thereby exposing their thinking parts !

I've often wondered, when I see aid commercials on TV like, "Little Amsedi has to walk ten miles a day to get water for his family'......Why don't the family move?

These days of course, celebrities jump ten feet in the air to endorse aid commercials and other products. On a pack of sausages once was an endorsement photo of Anthony Worral Thompson, the chef, underneath it said, 'Prick with a fork'.

Nearly packed up ready to move. Ahead of ourselves now so can relax a bit. At last got back to writing more of the Saturday Pledge. I have put all of "Operation Thursday" on 'WATTPAD' but will take it off sometime next week, so if you want a free read, best to do it now. I have also put the Intro plus the first 9 Chapters of "The Saturday Pledge" on 'WATTPAD' just as a taster for readers of what's coming later this year as a completed first book of a trilogy. I've said before that this novel is not for the faint hearted or prudish type of person. Incidentally 'WATTPAD' is totally free for readers to use.

We have sold or given away much of our unwanted furniture but still have a few items, so if anyone needs anything look up my previous list on a post, and give me a ring. What's left will go to Cudeca.

A relative of mine was a Tae Kwon Do martial arts 3rd Dan. He joined the Army but the first time he saluted he killed himself. He told me once he thought that 'Wakes' were silly traditions. They throw a big party for you on the one day they know you can't attend....

My wife is blonde. I told her that Alfred, our next door neighbour, was a sexagenarian, she replied, "At his age? That's disgusting!"

Off to Torre del Mar tomorrow to look at some properties. My wife wants to be nearer her sister. Who am I to argue? Nearly all ready to go. A previous property owner, who's villa we liked started to come the old gazumping acid, so we cancelled that. When it comes to money some people become selfish grabbing morons. A new property 'find' is now an urgent priority for us. Plan B is go back to our house in the UK, goods in storage, etc etc until we find a suitable villa. Hope that doesn't happen.

Spain is getting expensive and official red tape makes everything so difficult, but we still love it here. I find writing here is easier too for some reason, can't explain it.

A lady walked into her kitchen. Her hubby was swatting flies. "Killed many?" she asked. "Yep" he replied, "Two males and three females".  She looked perplexed, "How on earth can you possibly know their sex?" He smiled, "It's easy, the two males were on my beer can, and the two females were on the phone".

Little boy runs into his house, "Mum, Can little girls have babies?" His Mum replied, "No, of course not". The little boy smiled and ran out shouting to the little girl from next door, "It's OK. We can play that game again"

We have now established what we are taking, and what is surplus. If anyone wants to buy any of the following items or knows a dealer that will take the lot and pay us a reasonable amount, please call me on 952 448 430 or email joekaren46@gmail.com. Thanks:

Table height fridge.  Microwave. Tumble Dryer. Oak Coffee Table with 2 drawers. Double Bed with solid Pine base and head and foot board plus new mattress. Dormer bed throw + curtains.  2 pine bedside tables (3 drawers).  Large Oak Desk with 4 drawers, side cupboard and PC drawer.  White bathroom cupboard with 2 drawers and cupboard underneath.  2 single bed mosquito nets. 2 black plastic interchangeable storage racks(5 shelves) very lightweight.

All of these goods are in very good/new condition, and need to be sold. Buyer collects, cash only.

We've been so busy as we're packing up to move.  My book writing has taken a bit of a back seat recently. I put a couple of my novels on 'wattpad'. namely "Operation Thursday", which is the sequel to "Every Day's a Monday", and "The Saturday Pledge". I wrote "The Saturday Pledge" first 30 chapters some years ago, but my wife thought it too raunchy and that no one would read it or publish it, so I stopped. Since 50 Shades made it past any censorship I decided to finish it. My wife thinks it is a bit naughtier than 50 Shades, but the storyline needs the raunchy bits.

My granddaughter Jessica was given a Blackberry for her birthday recently. She has just left it on the Norwich to London train !!! I wonder if someone will hand it in??? Probably not, not in modern Britain...

My lady and I went to see "Total Recall" last night. Usual guns that fire forever plus mayhem and a hero that no matter what he gets hit by always comes up for more. I would rather have stayed in and watch 'X Factor', and that's saying something !!!

A girl comes across a frog in the woods. "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a Prince and you can come back to my castle with me. You can be my wife, cook for me, do the ironing, clean the castle, What do you think?" That night the girl had a plate of frog's legs lightly sauteed in white wine and onions. "I don't think so" the girl said with a smile.

Man went to doctor, "My hair is falling out. Can you give me something for it?" The doctor did, he gave him a box.

My lady & I went to see "Abraham Lincoln - Vampire Killer" last night. Plenty of slash and mayhem. We were the only two in the cinema until 6 young people came in, ten minutes after the film had started. They had the choice of the whole cinema except for us two, and then stood in the aisle arguing where to sit. I think cinemas should prohibit entry to anyone who arrives after the film has started. Most annoying, most inconsiderate.

Clutch on my Honda CRV getting fixed in the repair shop today, 1600€....I apologise for the loud sobbing coming from a certain villa in the Pueblo !!!!

A jewish mother took her little son to the beach. A giant wave washed over him and swept him out to sea. The mother fell to her knees praying, "Oh Lord, My son means everything to me, I have been faithful to my jewish religion all my life, please God return my son to me unharmed!. A few seconds later another giant wave crashed and rolled her son back on the beach in front of her alive and well. The jewish mother fell to her knees again and looked up to the sky, "He had a hat!"

A man is in his local pub talking to his mate. "Well, my wife will be on the plane now". His mate asks "Oh yeah, where's she off to like?". The man sips his pint, "Nowhere. I just left her at home to take two inches off the kitchen door"

Quiet house now that August has departed. 2 lots of family stayed with us through the month. Nice to see them but hard work for my wife. I tried to help but can't do anything domestically as good as her. My grandson is a gifted bright lovely boy but as my daughter says, he can turn into a bit of a Kevin on occasion, and my 16 year old granddaughter is like all young girls, all about her looks, boyfriend, phone, etc. She goes to Norwich City College this month as she develops into womanhood. Although, like most 16 year old girls nowadays she looks about 25 !!! Great kids, and we wouldn't be without them for a minute.

Terrible fires, thank the Lord they're under control. It's times like this that even Englishmen pray for rain.

Not touched my latest book, The Saturday Pledge", for days. Now that the house is quiet again I might just get a few days on it. Driving me mad, I have all the chapters and their plots in my head just bursting to be put into print.

A prostitute goes to her doctor. "Doctor I'm worried that I'm a haemophiliac. Even if I get the smallest cut it seems to bleed for days".  "I see" said the GP, "Approximately how much do you lose when you have your period?" The lady replied, "Oh, about a thousand pounds".

An Ipswich man's wife goes into labour. He phones the ambulance service. "We'll send an ambulance immediately, where do you live?". The man replies "In Eucalyptus Drive". The operator asks, "Can you spell that for me please?" There is silence for a few moments and then the man says, "Tell you what, I'll drag her into Oak Street, pick her up from there...."