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Well, we went to see this film 'Gangster Squad' last night. Crap acting, Sian Penn was awesome...sorry I meant awful. The film was full of blood and guts, thin storyline, Says it all really. Popcorn and chocolate were good though.

My lady has started a diet today. I started one yesterday, it's Viagra and prune juice....I honestly don't know if I'm coming or going. I can't decide which would be easier, try to lose 3 stone by strict dieting or say 'to hell with it' and eat lots of chocolate and fried chips so that I qualify for a gastric bypass....

Last year my wife lost two stones swimming. I don't know how....I tied them around her neck tight enough.

I once tried a whiskey diet, it worked! I lost three days!

My brother has the right idea. He says he's on this brilliant diet, You can eat whatever you want, whenever you want, and as much as you want. He says you don't actually lose any weight, but it's very easy to stick to.

The best way for me to look thin is to go to the restaurant with a lot of fat friends. My doctor said though that I should give up having those intimate little dinners for four....Unless I take three other people with me.

I exercise quite well though. Every morning it's - Up! Down! Up! Down! And then the other eyelid. Also every day I go on a very brisk sit down.

The guys at the gym call it 'Aerobics'. As they charge £15 a session they could hardly just call it 'Jumping up and down' could they?  There is one machine at the Gym that I particularly like...the vending machine !

My grandma, at 60, started to jog three miles a day. She's ninety seven now, and none of the family knows where the hell she is ! The only time I run is when I have to....usually when the ice crean van is just moving off.

Placido Domingo

May go to see 'Gangster Squad' this week. I just hope it's not a similar film to 'The Untouchables'.

Lots of crime around at the moment in these recession times. I'm all in favour of bringing back the birch....but only between consenting adults.

I believe a man who stabbed his Mother in Law thirty times showed amazing restraint.

The Malaga Police arrested two children last week. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They apparently charged one and let the other one off.

The Catholic Church has introduced a harsh new policy on priests who molest children. Three strikes and you're a cardinal.

I wonder what happens when an Estate Agent gets mugged? Is his evidence something like, "I was pushed into quite a spacious and well bricked alley way, only two miles from the train station, and the mugger punched me in the face, which still retains many of its original features".

They do say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people'. Come on, it must be the gun that helps, if I stood there just shouting 'Bang, Bang! how many would that kill?! Also I don't believe the 'Temporary Insanity' as a murder defence. If you broke into someone's house, hoovered up and did all their ironing...now that's 'temporary insanity'.

Mind you in the USA some people are pushing for a stronger death penalty. I personally think Capital Punishment would be more effective as a preventative measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

That film about the killing of Osama Bin Laden is on release now. It took them years to locate him. I had the answer all the time...they should have reported him to the Child Support Agency, they'd have found him in no time! I often think that going to war over religion is just killing each other to see who's got the best imaginary friend....

I see that recently the Japanese Prime Minister apologised for Japan's part in WW2. He still hasn't apologised for Karaoke though.

The UK tax office has streamlined its tax form this year: It goes like this:

     1) How much did you make gross last year?

     2) How much have you got left?

     3) Send '2)'

Have a peaceful Sunday.

My lady and I went to see the film 'Hitchcock' last night. It was an OK film, nothing special, and the best way I can describe it is that it mildly entertained. Helen Mirren stood out as always. Brilliant actress that one. The film centred on the making of 'Psycho', which was a major sea change for the film industry on nudity and realism.

Funny how film stars hanker after cosmetic surgery. Look at Cher, if she has another facelift she'll be wearing a beard. Liza Minnelli looks like an ancient 13 year old. I asked my wife if she ever considered having anything done. She replied that she didn't need plastic surgery....she needed Lourdes.

It's like tattoes. My Gran used to take my Mum to the circus to see the Fat Lady and the Tattoed Man. Now they're everywhere. Some women think bikinis are immodest. Others have beautiful figures.

Most designers of womens clothes are made by men who don't know women, never had one, and constantly dream of being one. Bit like many hairdressers nowadays. Oh and waiters.

The thing that has been worrying me is the five Muslim women in one family who live near me and wear the burqa. Do they fiddle it and get away with using just one bus pass?

I take my vitamins ever morning without fail. Fail was my first wife. Health is very important, what worries me is that they say we are 98% water. Does that mean that if I drink a large glass of water I'm in danger of drowning? I said to my doctor it hurts when I do this. He replied "Well, don't do it then". I asked him what could I do for a sprained ankle, He said "Limp".

I think doctors are all crooks. You notice that doctors all wear gloves nowadays, they don't do it for medicinal reasons.........fingerprints!

They say that love makes the world go round, maybe so, but whiskey makes it go twice as fast!  Whenever anyone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say, I'm thirsty not dirty.

My son has a couple of good remarks to a waiter if the wine isn't to his liking, "I think this wine has been drunk before". Another one he used was "I wonder how they got the cat to sit on this bottle.

I made some homemade wine once, never again. When I drank some of it I lost the use of one side of my face for a week.

One tequila, Two tequila, three tequila, Floor!

The hardest thing for a barman I should imagine, is working out who is drunk and who is just plain stupid.

Went to see 'Silver Lining' last evening. Funny kind of movie really. I enjoyed most of it but it 'sagged' a bit two thirds of the way through. I suppose you could call it a 'feel good factor' film.

Saw Tony Blair on the BBC this morning. He still talks a good talk, but wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. He took us into an illegal war in Iraq, and now that country is a million times worse off than before the war started, notwithstanding that Saddam Hussein was a despotic dictator. Remember 'Weapons of Mass Destruction' and all that garbage? Of course if George W. had half a brain it would be fifty percent more than he has now. If that man had to take a urine test, he'd write the answers on his hand before he took it.The US armaments industries backed his election and payback was the Iraq and Afghanistan wars. Lovely oil, construction, and defence contracts worth billions came later of course.

The yellow Tory Clegg, is there no beginning to his talent? He reminds me of the man in the science fiction movie who is first to see the Creature.

I think ninety nine percent of politicians give the rest a bad name.

I asked my wife what she thought of Marx. She replied that she thought their clothes had dropped off a bit but that their food was still brilliant.....She asked me the other day where the Cannes Film Festival was being held this year.....

My wife's sister married a German who complained that he couldn't get a decent bagel in his home country. My wife said it was his own fault. "Why so?" he asked. "Well, you shouldn't have bombed my grandpa's chip shop in 1942. Logic and my wife are distant cousins....very distant.

My brother has the world's oldest globe....it's flat. Africa is moving along at a good pace now. They have a MacDonalds in nearly every town. That explorer MacDonald could never keep it in his trousers.

When the white Settlers and Missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible, and the Africans had the land. The Settlers and Missionaries said "Let us pray". The Africans duly closed their eyes. When they opened them, the Africans had the Bible, and the Settlers and Missionaries had the land.

Of course illegal aliens in the USA have always been a problem, ask any Sioux, Cheyenne, Apache, etc etc etc. Mustn't criticise Americans though, they have the best taste that money can buy, and they always carry that big personality in their back pockets...in their wallets.

Three heavily pregnant Ipswich women were in the maternity ward in Ipswich General together. One says, "I was underneath during conception so I'm definitely having a boy". The second one says "I was on top so I'm definitely having a girl". The third one starts crying, "That means I'm definitely going to have puppies".

Off to the cinema tomorrow with my lady and a friend. We're going to see 'Silver Lining'. Can't remember if it's been hailed or hooted by the critics, but the trailer looks interesting. Hitchcock is also on but a mate in the UK said it's only a so so film. Hitchcock was of course the man behind 'Psycho' and 'The Birds' and other noteworthy movies. He was a great one for put downs too. I think it was Gore Vidal who said of him, "He's not unlike Hitler...but without the charm". I used to like Sam Goldwyn's spoken cock ups: "We'll jump off that bridge when we come to it". "I can answer in 2 words - im- possible".

More cuts on the way for the people of the UK, well not the UK as Wales and Scotland are exempt. 'We're all in it together?' I don't think so! Also Cameron and his Eton chum Osborne have just found some money for another military adventure, this time in Mali. Our pensioners can starve or freeze, and nurses remain underpaid because his Government can't afford to pay them enough, but when it comes to a little war activity he's the man! He's found the dosh for that alright.

Politics is derived from two words, Poly meaning many, and tics meaning blood sucking insects. It is also the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it wrongly, and then applying unsuitable remedies. I suppose its a case of, a fool and his money are soon elected.

My next door neighbour is a lawyer and a politician. The only difference between a dead rat laying in the road and a dead lawyer or politician lying in the road, is that there are skid marks around the rat. I broke a mirror in my house in the UK over Christmas, it's supposed to bring you seven years bad luck, my neighbour said he thought he could get that reduced to five.....

Crime is definitely on the increase here in Spain. Only yesterday I was the victim of an attempted mugging. I could tell he was an amateur though...there was still butter on the knife. My mate Henry got put in gaol for something he didn't do....he didn't run fast enough !

I was giving a talk on my first novel. It's about me being in a Middle Eastern gaol. I asked the audience if any of them had been caught stealing in the arab world. I asked for a show of hands...

I have never killed a politician, but I have read many a politicians obituaries with a great deal of satisfaction.

Whilst promoting one of my books in Belfast I told a shocked audience that I did not believe in God.A lady in the audience asked me if the God I didn't believe in was Catholic or Protestant...

And just remember, in Britain a dog is for Christmas. In Korea it could be for breakfast, lunch or dinner.

My father used to read the Times every morning. If his name didn't appear in the Obituaries he'd go on to enjoy the day. Let's face it if life was fair, Elvis would still be alive, and all those daft impersonators would be dead!

Happy & peaceful weekend to all.