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Took my lady and a friend to see Meryl Streep in 'Ricki' last evening at the Myramar complex in Fuengirola. I'm not a great fan of Streep but she was brilliant in this feel good film. Thoroughly enjoyable and some great rock music too.

We're getting close to leaving Spain now. All the boxes are packed, and awaiting the removal men. We've given lots of stuff away to friends and neighbours, and I daresay on the last couple of days Cudeca will benefit too. We're using 'Union Jack Removals'. They have a good reputation and I can see why. They supplied plenty of new cardboard boxes complete with wrapping paper and rolls of tape. Good staff, always helpful and arrive when they say they will.

On Friday I bought a 'fridge on line. It's being delivered today to my new UK address. The company asked if I wanted them to unpack it and take away the packaging. I said 'yes', and they charged me £1.99 for the service. Getting rid of rubbish in the UK is a real problem now, and most councils charge to use their dumps, so I thought £1.99 was reasonable.

Just played golf with a pal of mine. I've moaned before about how expensive it is to play in Spain, and having just seen the September/October price lists in the local free paper, I can report that it is even MORE expensive this year, or so it seems. You can kiss goodbye to around 100€ each at some courses. My wife doesn't play, I'm glad to say, if she did I would think that the dangers of playing golf with her would be equal to the risk to our marriage as if I were caught playing with somebody else's wife......

My neighbours wife is a blond and not too bright. She went to pick up her car from the garage as she had had trouble with it. He told her it only took him five minutes to fix it, nothing serious just shit in the air filter. She asked him, "How often?"

When they were courting he asked her if they could do missionary. Next thing he heard she'd flown out to Africa.

She asked him if he'd slept with many women in the past. He told her he'd slept with a Brazilian. She screamed, "A Brazilian? Good God! How many is a Brazilian?"

Years ago my attractive lady went to the dentist. After examining her he said he'd have to drill one of her teeth. She was horrified, "Oh God no! I'd rather have a baby." He replied, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair either way."

A woman  took a baby to the doctor for its first examination. The doctor examined the baby, checked its weight, etc and looked concerned. He asked if the baby was bottle fed or breast fed. The woman replied, "Breast fed." "Right," said the doctor, "Strip down to your waist." She did so. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded and rubbed both breasts for a while, in a very professional and thorough examination. He told her to get dressed then said, "No wonder the baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."  "I know," said the woman, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

Well, better get back to the packing.

Hasta pronto.

I've had a number of people telling me that Nicole Smith died ages ago......I KNOW! I just used her as part of a joke. Wish I'd used a more modern gold-digger that still breathed, but there you are, trust me.

I've also had a lot of people contacting me and asking why are we leaving Spain. Well, its mainly so we can see more of the family. My wife's getting on now, I'm still 27, but she pines for the kids. Going back is a double edged sword. We'll miss the weather, the cafes, the good friends from all religions and backgrounds, who, like us, are immigrants in Spain. We've had some great BBQs and meals out with pals, and although we'll still hit the restaurants in Norfolk, it will still not be quite the same.

My son has got me a season ticket to sit with him to see Norwich City play at Carrow Road.....funny, but I never realised he would wait so long to get back at me for the belting he got as a kid for pinching knives out of the cutlery drawer....! Some of my chums from the place in the UK where I used to attend (I would say 'work', but I did precious little of that!) used to seek me out on Sundays and instead of Joseph or Joe would call me 'Norwich Nil' all blasted day!!

It's still very hot here which is normal for Spain of course in August. Living here you tend to plan your day with regards work to coincide with the cooler parts of the day. Gardening/mowing lawns, weeding, and other strenuous activities normally get done before ten am. Then its elevenses in the shade, followed by a swim and then a read, followed by a swim and then lunch. Difficult to keep your eyes open after lunch but I usually go inside and do some writing in the early afternoon, followed by a swim and biscuits with a nice cuppa, mid afternoon. The evening shower is followed by dinner, in or out, and then a spot of UK television before retiring. Bloody hard life I know, but someone has to do it!

The Feria (fiesta's) are all on the go this weekend on the Costa Del Sol. We go to all of them. Great fun, dancing, music, side shows, market stalls, and plenty of traditional Spanish costumes around. The Spanish are extremely good at this sort of thing and really get into the spirit of whatever saint or occasion that the feria is in memory of. We could learn from them. You seldom see any problems connected with alcohol at these or any other events here. In fact the only time there is a need for the police to attend is when young white British men decide the perfect way to end a night of heavy drinking is with a punch up outside one of the many night-clubs here. We all agree, on those occasions, we feel ashamed to be British.

Poor Mr Corbyn, he's still getting stick from Tony Blair and Jack Straw. Should help his cause immensely I would have thought.

A boss called four of his employees in to tell them he was sorry but because they'd had a bad year one of them had to go. The first man, who was black, said, "I'm from a protected minority, you can't fire me." The second worker said, "I'm a woman, you can't get rid of me." The third, an oldish gentleman, said, "If you fire me I'll sue for age discrimination."  All eyes turned to the last worker, a young white guy. He shuffled his feet around for a little, a frown on his face, and then said, "I think I might be gay....."

A boss was considering asking for an invoice price to be reduced from a company he had dealt with. He called his new blonde secretary in and said, "You have a maths degree. If I were to give you £20,000, minus 15%, how much would you take off?" She thought for a moment and then said, "Everything but my earrings."

My son just phoned me from his holiday accommodation in Sheringham. Apparently one of the kids is playing up.I  reminded him about the time his headmaster phoned me up and told me he'd been suspended and was being sent home. I asked him what he'd done and he said that my son had peed in the school pool. I was angry, I said, "But every kid's done that at one time or another." He replied, "Yes, but not from the top diving board."

Hasta Pronto.

Here on the Costa Del Sol we are still sweltering in very humid weather. It's not pleasant. Just want to either lay in the pool, sit in an air conned room, and generally eat ice-cream all day. July was apparently the hottest month for 40 years in Spain. Normally August is an extremely hot and humid month, but this year August weather arrived in June and never left!

We're getting all ready to leave in September and move into our new place in sunny Norfolk.  Boxes everywhere. We're being moved by Union Jack, and I must say that they are the best removal company we have ever dealt with....fingers crossed. My wife is giving most of her painting stuff to a very talented young girl, who is the grand daughter of some close friends. Saves all the hassle too and going to a budding Michelle Angelo. Incidentally, I always reckon that if Michelangelo had been straight, the Sistine Chapel would probably have been wallpapered.

My lady and I went to the cinema last night to see the latest Mission Impossible movie. Didn't think I'd enjoy it as not my type of film, but it was really good. Plenty of action and some fantastic special effect/stunts in it. Got to say that Tom Cruise is a very fit fifty year old. Good supporting cast too. Its over two hours long and never let up. Great escapism. Afterwards we bought fish and chips from arguably the best chippy on the Costa Del Sol, 'Crispy Cod'. Its on the seafront in Fuengirola. Great service, and a really fantastic product. If you're in the area try it, I guarantee you'll not be disappointed.

My lady fell out of bed a couple of weeks ago.....never touched her m'lord! She was badly bruised and had pain breathing so I took her to the A & E department of the Xanit Hospital in Benalmadena Pueblo. Booked in, checked out by two doctors, etc and back in the car within thirty minutes. I know its private medicine but non the less great service, and it put our minds at rest with minimal fuss. Private health insurance here in Spain is not cheap for us as my wife has previous, (breast cancer). I'm just lucky I can afford it. Spain has made me realise how brilliant the NHS in the UK is, in spite of a certain amount of privatisation and underfunding of late, it is still brilliant, due in the main to the incredibly dedicated staff who work in it.

My son and his partner are off to Sheringham for a break. It's only a few days since they left us after a weeks holiday here. Sheringham brings back memories of camping holidays. I hated them. The worst thing was the kids always got stung by something, no showers, little chance of any 'hows your father, and if you had a row how could you possibly storm off and slam the flap of the tent! We spent most of the time playing cricket or rounders, and reading. Mind you I took five Jeffrey Archer books with us when we visited the Costa Blanca a few years ago. We stayed in a dubious hotel and the books came in useful. Next time we'll take ample toilet paper.

Watched some games from the EPL on the weekend via Sky. My lot lost. I think those managers standing on the touchline chewing gum look like neurotic sulky cows. One manager, who will be nameless, looked like a parked car with the doors open. You see so many not particularly handsome football stars walking out with beautiful girls. One player is so tall his lady must have most of their lights out conversations with his belly button. They say footballers are not the brightest either. One gave his girlfriend a gluestick instead of a chapstick....she's still not talking to him. It nevers ceases to amaze me how women go to a salon, accept boiling hot wax being poured on their upper thigh, let another rip it off by the root.......and are still afraid of spiders.

Before they nailed Osama Bin Laden I always thought that all the CIA had to do was send that lady, Anna Nicole Smith over to him. She'd get all of his money and he'd be dead within a week.

Apparently Stephen Fry said to his mother immediately after he was born, "That's the last time I'm going anywhere near one of those."

My wife told me that having a baby would, to a man, be like trying to pass a bowling ball, that was wrapped in barbed wire, through his anus. I think I got the picture. On the other hand, women's breasts are like train sets. They're meant for kids but its the fathers who wind up playing with them.

Britain has got a fantastic new missile, its called a Lord. It doesn't work and it can't be fired.