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Just put my Honda CRV in for it's first ITV (MoT). It failed on the hand brake! Apparently I have a plate on the vehicle, on to which I could attach a tow bar. I have no intention, ever, of having a tow bar fitted. My Mother in Law passed away many years ago, what else would I want to tow? Anyway, the ITV man said that as I could have a tow bar fitted in the future the hand brake has to be ratcheted up to be able to take the extra strain on a non existing 'extra'. I told him that in the extremely unlikely event that I would have a tow bar fitted, then I would upgrade the hand brake. Not good enough, got to have it done now. So it had to go into a garage and I paid to have it 'improved'. Crazy or what? Expecially when the original hand brake was a 'beast'! If I applied it the CRV could not pull away such was its strength. Ah well, sometimes the absurdity of things like this, in Spain, make me want to move somewhere else with a little more 'grey matter' employed on their policies. I now have my ITV and a hand brake that feels no different to a day ago!! I think I should have a blood transfusion on Monday just in case I have an accident in three or four years time....I prefer the wicked rather than the foolish. The wicked sometimes rest....

I hear they are going to segregate a part of a beach on the CDS so it can be used for naturists. I could never be a naturist...I could never decide what not to wear.

Christmas is upon us. My wife wants one of those huge TV's, so I'm going to move her chair closer to the one we already have.

Last Christmas I only bought ethical gifts. I bought a goat for an African family. They got really upset. They live in the apartment above us.

Years ago I told my teenage son that we were going to watch his sister in the school nativity play. His question was, "What's the play all about then?"

He got fed up one year, his final year at school. "Why do they keep banging on about religion just lately?  Don't they know its Christmas time, can't they give it a rest?"

Always remember if you're flying home for Christmas, like me, in the next couple of days. There's nothing like an airport for bringing you down to earth.

I hope you have a lovely time over the Xmas & New Year period and beyond.

Took my lady to see 'The Hobbit' last night. The scene/special effects are magnificent. Thoroughly enjoyed it. We all discussed the film later, and we had a concensus that JK Rowling 'pinched' some of the ideas for her Harry Potter books from Tolkien. Rowlings books though are much lighter, and much easier on the eye and brain. Usual thing at a cinema nowadays - bloody latecomers, and young ladies with weak bladders! On our left was two young females who got up four times! Bettered by two young ladies on our right who got up five times! They always go in pairs as I've said before. I'm going to buy a cinema and make a certain amount of seats into 'commodes'. Admittance to young women will only be allowed if they agree to sit in the 'commode' seats ! Latecomers will be charged extra entrance money at the door to the screen, say a 25€ levy, which will go to a charity. Or we could exclude them altogether, or make them clean the theatre at the end of the performance....or all three!!!!

The other thing I've noticed is that all cinemas employ a person, to sit just in front of me, who has bronchitis!

Coming home on the A7 last night was like taking a wrong turn onto Brands Hatch. Speed limit? What speed limit? Against the law in Spain to undertake? To the Spanish it is the ultimate challenge to do so with barely an inch between cars. One car came up behind me last night and 'flashed' his lights indicating he wanted to pass. As I was already on the speed limit I raised one finger to him. He responded by putting his Guardia Civil blue flashing lights on! Needless to say I was gracious, and pulled over to let him pass....

I think that Sundays is a good day for reflection on your life. I always knew that if else failed, I could become an author......and sure enough, all else did fail.

Peace.

Some of our family, who live well inland, stayed with us last evening/night, as we are only circa 15 minutes from Malaga, makes sense as they needed to be at the airport for 0800. They're going via EasyJet so not quite as spiteful as RyanAir. My sister in Law is wearing about eight layers of clothes, so that her cases aren't over the stupid limit. I told her to tell the Security Lady, if she gets 'frisked', that it's b cold in the UK...!!

I'm buying a house in the UK at the moment, so had to have a survey done. Ninety percent of people said I should go ahead.

There's only one thing worse than an Estate Agent, in my opinion, and even that can be lanced, drained, and then surgically dressed.

My wife had a crash in her car. When the police arrived she stood by her wrecked car and pointed out that the man was obviously intoxicated, he still had a half empty bottle of whiskey in his hand. The Policeman said, "Look lady, a man can drink what the hell he likes in his own conservatory!"

My sister lives very quietly in the countryside in Norfolk. Her house is her passion in life, and she's very lucky to have a professional roofer living next door in case she needs to get felt laid down in the loft.

I notice that a popular thing in the home to do with lace curtains now is to gather them up in the middle. Looks a bit, to me anyway, like a woman who'se been to the loo, and unknown to her, got the back of her skirt stuck in her knickers.

My wife has a saying. 'How do you know if it's time to wash the dishes, and clean the house? Answer: You look inside your pants.....if you find a penis in there, it's not time !'

My nephew works in Burger King. The other day George Osborne the Chancellor came in. He said, "Give me two whoppers". My nephew replied, "The British people love you, and you're doing a great job with the British economy".

My nephews first job was painting white lines down roadways, but he packed it in before he went round the bend.

I've said it before about the system of having ASBOs for young people in the UK being great, we should remember, for some kids it will be the only qualifications they will ever get.

My wife and I are off to the UK next week to spend Christmas amongst all of my family. I shall also be attending an office party, which reminds me, Remember a dog is for life....so be careful, if you are unmarried, who you dance with at those office parties.....

I remember years ago I took my Gran, who had never ever seen the sea, to Great Yarmouth. We stood on the promenade for about ten minutes staring at the sea, and then she said, "Is that all it does?"

Weather in the UK at the moment is grim, either seven below or pouring. Never mind it will soon be Spring, then Summer.You always know when it's summer in the UK.....the rain is a lot warmer.

I hope you all have a very peaceful Christmas.

A very good friend of mine has just phoned me. A few months ago he was diagnosed with an aggressive and terminal cancer condition. No treatment could reverse it, they told him at the Hospital. A short time later they decided that they would, in fact, give him treatment, but that it would be aggressive, like his condition. Today he has just had a full body scan, and he's clear of all the cancer! Fantastic!! Brilliant!! The old adage comes to mind, 'Where there is life, there is hope'. God bless you Johnnie.

The first book in my trilogy "The Saturday Pledge - Rancliffe" is now done and dusted, including the cover, which has been painted by my wife. I'm now starting on the second book, "Britannic". Incidentally if anyone is looking for a Xmas prezzie/stocking filler, can I point them in the direction of Amazon and Kindle. There are two really good adventure thrillers there just waiting to be snapped up at bargain prices. One is called, "Every Day's a Monday", and the other is "The Tuesday Empire".....I have no vested interest, of course.......

The plumber and the builders have now left our place. Boiler's fixed, and ventilators knocked through the outer walls.

I suppose the 5 most terrible words you can ever hear in Spain are, " We've got to get the builders in". I rang them up initially and asked the man who answered if I could have a skip outside the house. He replied, "Go ahead. I'm not stopping you". I suppose that in Britain one of the great institutions is 'the Builders Bum'........that always 'cracks' me up. Spanish builders don't do that, they just never come back to finish a job if you've paid them any sum of money.

Talking of bottoms, as I was reading this morning it said that 'Boy George' would rather have a cup of tea than sex. That must be a great relief for all other homosexuals....

Most homosexual men I know are just normal guys who like to eat, drink, and be Mary.

I see UKIP did well in the recent by elections.The last time Britain went into Europe with any degree of success was on the 6th of June 1944. When I am abroad I try not to run my country down.....when I get home, I make up for lost time!!!

Christmas will soon be upon us. I love the fact that we celebrate the birth of Bing Crosby.

We're thinking of inviting a poor and lonely old lady around to our house for Christmas lunch. We'll spoil her with turkey and all the trimmings. Do you think £18.75 is too much to charge?

This year my wife is serving ice cream for dessert. It will probably be the only dish that is hot.

We were just about to leave the house yesterday when I heard dripping water. On investigation the bottom of the hot water tank in one of the bathrooms was flooding out ! Not being one to panic....I was an Air Traffic Controller in a former life....I nearly fainted and screamed for help from my wife!! Having done the 'first reactions course' in the year dot, I turned everything off, and quickly drained the tank, and called the plumber. He came out straightaway, bless him, and diagnosed that a seal had blown, no eskimo jokes please! He duly replaced the seal, and life became fine and dandy again. We then went shopping. Got home in the late evening to find the same bathroom flooded!! The plumber came out again, and we now need another plate for the bottom of the tank which he can't get until Monday due to the holiday today. Luckily it's not our only bathroom so we can take showers etc elsewhere. But it's funny how these things tend to happen at weekends or on holidays when all the shops are shut isn't it?

My wife cleared up all the mess. Filthy dirty, grimy, smelly......but hey, who cares? She's good with the kids.

I told her to hurry up, and she said, "Who do you think I am, Cinderella? If I had any sense I'd walk out on you". I replied, "It's a good job you don't have any sense then".  She said, "It certainly is".

I once told her that we ought to have a garage sale, she replied, "OK,but where will we put the cars?"

I came home one day and my wife had shortened all the electrical cords on all the lights. I asked her why she'd done that, and she replied, "To save on electricity of course!" She also told me there are three ways to wire a light switch, two of which can kill you. She said she'd forgotten what the third one was.....

We do tend to suffer bad luck in my family though. My great grandfather once came third in a duel.

They're still talking about having ID cards in the UK. Of course they won't just give your name, and date of birth etc., they'll also have things on them like 'He's got a bad heart, his sister is a prossie, and he once got fined twenty five pence for returning a library book late'.

The sun should shine for the next five days according to the forecast, so nothing will go wrong in my house. Well, apart from my wife's cooking that is....

We were just about to leave the house yesterday when I heard dripping water. On investigation the bottom of the hot water tank in one of the bathrooms was flooding out ! Not being one to panic....I was an Air Traffic Controller in a former life....I nearly fainted and screamed for help from my wife!! Having done the 'first reactions course' in the year dot, I turned everything off, and quickly drained the tank, and called the plumber. He came out straightaway, bless him, and diagnosed that a seal had blown, no eskimo jokes please! He duly replaced the seal, and life became fine and dandy again. We then went shopping. Got home in the late evening to find the same bathroom flooded!! The plumber came out again, and we now need another plate for the bottom of the tank which he can't get until Monday due to the holiday today. Luckily it's not our only bathroom so we can take showers etc elsewhere. But it's funny how these things tend to happen at weekends or on holidays when all the shops are shut isn't it?

My wife cleared up all the mess. Filthy dirty, grimy, smelly......but hey, who cares? She's good with the kids.

I told her to hurry up, and she said, "Who do you think I am, Cinderella? If I had any sense I'd walk out on you". I replied, "It's a good job you don't have any sense then".  She said, "It certainly is".

I once told her that we ought to have a garage sale, she replied, "OK,but where will we put the cars?"

I came home one day and my wife had shortened all the electrical cords on all the lights. I asked her why she'd done that, and she replied, "To save on electricity of course!" She also told me there are three ways to wire a light switch, two of which can kill you. She said she'd forgotten what the third one was.....

We do tend to suffer bad luck in my family though. My great grandfather once came third in a duel.

They're still talking about having ID cards in the UK. Of course they won't just give your name, and date of birth etc., they'll also have things on them like 'He's got a bad heart, his sister is a prossie, and he once got fined twenty five pence for returning a library book late'.

The sun should shine for the next five days according to the forecast, so nothing will go wrong in my house. Well, apart from my wife's cooking that is....

As I get older I have come to some conclusions about life:

If walking is good for your health..........the Postman should be immortal.

A whale swims all day, eats only fish and plankton, drinks water......and is fat !

A rabbit runs and hops all day.....and only lives 15 years, if he's lucky.

A tortoise doesn't run, pretty much does nothing.........yet can live for 450 years.

And they say you should exercise? I don't think so !

Also:

I started out with nothing.....and I still have most of it.

My wild oats have turned into prunes and All-Bran.

I've finally got my head together.....and now my body is falling apart.

It's funny, but I don't remember being absent-minded.

It's funny, but I don't remember being absent-minded.

It's funny, but I don't remember being absent minded.

If all is not lost.....where is it?

Some days you're the dog.....other days you're the hydrant.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents.......accidents in the back seat cause kids.

If God wanted me to touch my toes.....he'd have put them on my knees!

It's not hard to meet expenses.....they're everywhere.

The only difference between being in a rut and a grave is the depth.

These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.....I go somewhere to get something.....then wonder what I'm here after.

But hey, what a life I've led. So many adventures, and I've met some great people from all walks of life. I hope that God grants me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Take care.

My lady and I went to watch the movie 'Life of Pi' last evening. Nice film, but the ending is a bit of an anti climax. Nice to see a film that didn't have gun violence in it for a change.

Personally I think that anyone who doesn't agree with stronger gun laws ought to be shot.

We went shopping at M & S in La Canada last week, nice choices in men's and ladies clothes. My wife bought a few things, one of which was a scarf. She said she's going to take it back though. I asked why, and she replied, "It's too tight".

On the subject of clothes, if, as some people are demanding, it becomes illegal to wear a veil at work, I'm sure bee keepers will be furious !

My son in law and my brother in law both keep bees on their land in the UK and here in Spain. My bro in law got stung on the finger and it swelled up to twice it's normal size. Both men are now attending their bee hives naked from the waist down.....

It's no joke getting stung by bees though. My grandpa was sunbathing one summer and got stung a number of times on his back. My grandma covered his back with lard. He went downhill very quickly after that.

People worry about their hearts a lot nowadays because of stress. They shouldn't worry really, it will last as long as they live. Whilst being examined my doctor told me there was something wrong with the alimentary canal....I'm puzzled...isn't that somewhere in Africa? I have a feeling my doctor may be losing it, he asked me if I have an allergy to placebos. The same doctor told my wife she might have fibroids, she said she thought that was a breakfast cereal.

My grandson swallowed a 2 euro piece when on holiday with us this week. I'm taking him to the Xanit Hospital if there's no change by Tuesday. My granddaughter had a cough so I told her to get the cough syrup bottle out of the first aid cupboard in the kitchen. She brought it in and tried to open it but couldn't. I told her it had a childproof cap, and I'd have to open it for her. She then asked me, "How does the bottle know I'm only a child?"

My businessman son told me he knew a lot about wine. I told him I had acquired a bottle of 2007 Southern Rhone Red . His reply, "That's a bit old, haven't you got anything new?"

They say that if you spill red wine you can nuetralise it with white wine. Does the same principle apply when you drink a glass of red wine?

So the Leveson Report has finally been completed by an independent and well respected legal entity. It comes as no surprise that the PM Mr 'Eton Boy' Cameron, his Tory chums, and the British press all reject the recommendation that it should be introduced into the statute books as law. 'Freedom of the press', I hear them holler. Well, where was the 'freedom of the individuals' for the likes of  Milly Dowler's family when the shit hit the fan regarding the gross illegality of the manner in which the press behaved. It just reinforces what most British people now realise more than ever, the British Press, in the main supports right wing politicians because they in turn support the right wing press, and their hideous lies, slanders, and distortions of the truth. We need the press to be held accountable BY LAW to uphold the law, and to report faithfully the news as it actually happened, and not reinvented to please vested interests. Newspapers are dependent on advertising revenue from major companies, so who will they lend a helping hand to in the lies and omissions spreads that they spew out daily? I wonder??

 The British Press at the moment represents the unacceptable face of an unfair capitalist system and Government, that gives tax breaks to the very rich and hammers the working people to repay mistakes borne out of greed, made by the banks, who incidentally are still, in the main making massive profits, that go to shareholders who very often live abroad in such opulence that we, as ordinary people can only marvel at.

Next week I shall 'blog' MY outline manifesto for a new party called The British Action Party.

I see that here in Spain lawyers and other legal people marched in protest at the increased charges that people will have to pay to put their cases through the courts. These new charges will mean that the ordinary working person won't be able to afford to get justice.

An old vicar was in court for riding his bike the wrong way up the M11. The magistrate asked him how on earth he managed to avoid having an accident. He replied that 'the Lord was with him'. Shouldn't he then have been further charged with riding 'two up on a bike'?

Personally, I'd make all crime illegal.

I remember at school, the teacher told us that the USA President was married to the First Lady. I thought then that someone might have told him that she was cheating on him with Adam.

Have a good weekend.