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My lady and I went to see 'Django Unchained' last evening. As one would expect from a Tarantino film it had plenty of blood, action, and gore running through it. Very entertaining though.

I don't like magic or scifi movies, because I try to figure out how it's done, and I get frustrated....bit like porn videos really.....

Played golf at Marbella this morning with an old mate. Beautiful course, good company, and a lovely sunny day. Perfect. Oh and I won. When I got home my school teacher daughter phoned up to tell us that in Norfolk they've had another two inches of snow overnight. How awful, poor things, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

The last time I went skiing I broke a leg...Well, the stupid man shouldn't have got in my way, then he would have been OK. I've given it up now, I have made a policy that I never do any sport that has ambulances at the bottom of the hill. It's like the Luge. My policy on that would be - 'Lie flat and try not to die!

Stretch pants - the garment that made women's skiing a spectator sport.

Football this afternoon, my lot play Luton so we should win. I tried coaching a football team once but resigned because of illness and fatigue. The fans were sick and tired of me....

Thank God that Hypochondria is the one disease I haven't got. On applications it always has the Question, 'In case of emergency notify....' I always put 'Doctor', nothing else makes sense. If I wrote 'Wife' that's useless, she's not medically trained at all, she'd be no damned good in an emergency!

I've just heard that George Osborne is ill. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

After my Dad had his bypass surgery, the doctor said, "Soon you'll be able to have sex". My Dad replied "I've heard that for years!" A little later he had an operation for piles. He said then that all his troubles were behind him. He complained to his dentist that his teeth were going yellow, and what should he do. The dentist replied, "Wear a brown necktie".

My brother is blind, and one day he received two seeing eye guide dogs. I asked him "Why two?" He replied that one was for reading.

They're talking now about 'Medicinal marijuana'. Can't they start slower? Like 'Medicinal chocolate?' Or Medicinal whiskey?'

As I had a bad bout of 'flu over Christmas I was put on anti-biotics for the chest infection. This meant, of course, no alcohol. Eventully as all around me were getting merry, my son asked "Dad, can I tempt you to have a drink?". I replied "OK, well maybe just a tiny triple please".

My favourite drink is carrot juice and whiskey. When I get drunk I can see for miles.

Have a peaceful weekend.

We went, with a friend and some family members to see 'Lincoln'. As fine an actor as DD Lewis is, the film was a disappointment. It bordered on boring in places. I expected to see more about the American Civil war instead of a bunch of US politicians pontificating for much of the film.

Some good 'In English' films here on the CDS of late. Anna K. looks like a good one, and we're off to see Jack Reacher soon. How 5 foot 5 inch Tom Cruise turns himself into 6 foot 5 inch Jack Reacher will be interesting to see... I remember years ago a 5 foot 2 inch star actor named Alan Ladd had to get his leading ladies to stand in specially dug ditches so that they could kiss on the same level for the camera!

Sad to hear of the demise of Michael Winner. A character and an excellent Director. RIP.

Movie makers tend to have big ego's. Sam Goldwyn once said to a journalist, "Tell me, how did you love my latest picture?"

Did you see Arnie S. on TV this morning? He plays the same character in every film he's ever made, a bit like Michael Caine really.

Have you noticed that in Westerns whenever the goodie walks into the town bar the barman is always wiping a glass with a towel....

My lady and I both love Musicals, but she thinks nudity on stage is disgusting. I bet if she were 22 again and had a fantastic body again she would consider it 'Artistic,tasteful, and a progressive religious experience !

I hear that 'Godspell' is coming back to London. For those who missed it the first time around, this is your golden chance to miss it again!

My wife's nephew came from a long line of actors, it's called the Dole Queue. Roger Moore had a huge range to his acting abilities, it went like this: 'One eyebrow raised, one eyebrow lowered'.

They reckon a certain Hollywood actress can speak 12 languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them....

Of course at my ripe old age I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

When in a store in Norwich in the UK doing a book signing, I took a walk around the store to stretch my legs. An old lady stopped me in the next department and said, "You look exactly like that author Joseph Dickerson that's in the Books Department signing the books today. What's your name?" I replied "Joseph Dickerson", and she then said, "My God! What a fantastic coincidence!"  I hope she takes more water with it in the future.......

In the UK just before the New Year a man came to my house and said, "I'd like to read your gas meter", I told him, "Get a life! Go and buy a book or a magazine, they're far more interesting".

Oh well, back to my latest novel, the second book in a trilogy. I'm a third of the way through it. The Saturday Pledge - Books 1,2, and 3 have taken a long time to research but it's blowing my mind writing them. My wife says the publishers will never agree to publish them, they're a bit too risque in too many 'forbidden' area's, she says. We'll see.....

Just got back from the UK after some weeks there enjoying the grey and black sunshine and the other sunshine that fell as water!! No wonder everyone is looking fed up there. Prices going up, weather awful, stores closing, etc etc. I'm so glad to be back. We sat on the terrace in the sun yesterday taking tea and biscuits and counted our blessings.

Half the attraction of Spain is of course the sun, but I even enjoyed shopping with my lady as well today....won't last!

Talking of attraction, I have found that most women are attracted to the simple things in life.....like men.

I think some men are simple though, my best friend says he buys 'Playboy' because he likes the articles. Right, just as I go to shopping malls for the music!! He's divorced now. He has lips like Mick Jagger, his ex told me that with his lips he could French kiss a large moose. He got depressed after his divorce, I told him "Look in time you'll meet someone special, you know someone that won't press charges..."

He said he's dating a homeless woman, he reckons he does so as it's easier getting her to stay the night. He's lost his self confidence though, when women say "Yes" to him he tells them to think it over. The older he gets the younger the women he dates...soon he'll be dating sperm !

I was talking to my younger sister once and she said, "I'm looking for a man who is kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?"

I think women are altogether too suspicious. I was dating a girl for two years and then the nagging started, she wanted to know my name....