Author

My lady and I have just returned from a trip to the Costa Blanca to visit an old friend. It's about a 600 km drive from the Costa Del Sol, on a dual carriageway with plenty of marvellous scenery, especially in the Andalucia part of the journey. We stopped at a half-way cafe for lunch, and, unlike UK motorway cafe's, the prices of food, drinks, and diesel are very reasonable and compare well with ordinary urban cafe prices. We had just one toll road to pay in Alicante Province, which was 9.95€ (about £7). The one downside was the daft speed limits, especially in the Andalucia part of the journey. For example one minute the speed limit is 120km, a few hundred metres further on its 80, then it jumps up to 100, then back again to 80. The road appears to hold no reason for these changes, often the road is dead straight. There is always a speed camera within these changes, and I just wonder if they are installed to ensure a good source of revenue.....or is it me being cynical?

I watched the Norwich City v Middlesborough Championship final in a bar in Javea, whilst my ladies shopped. It was a Norwich supporting pub. Many fans, including some Middlesboro' ones had on their clubs shirts, and their was a lot of good natured banter. The best team won, and a Norwich supporter provided champagne for everyone watching the match at the final whistle.

Someone sent me a question about Private Health Insurance in Spain through the 'Contact' part of my website. I pay for my lady and myself 325€ per month for full cover with a company called ASSSA. Not cheap, but essential. It takes the worry out of being ill in Spain. All the hospitals, doctors, specialists, etc under our cover are top notch, and it even includes 10,000€ of cover for death. None of us likes the thought of being ill, but it pays to be fully covered. We also belong to an organisation Called Helicopter Sanitarias. This costs about 350€ a year, and if you are ill or injured they guarantee to be with you within 15 minutes or so. On board their ambulances that attend you is a doctor and two para-medics. This company also provides a doctor service that you can book an appointment with, just like in the UK, except you usually get a next day, or even that day appointment. Well worth the small annual outlay, in my opinion.

We went to a BBQ last evening at a neighbour's house. Warm evening. Lovely to sit out on their terrace overlooking the sea, and when night fell, the wine flowed and we looked at the stars. We all wore light tops and shorts, and it is this that I will really miss when we return to the UK soon.

My latest book, a trilogy, is nearing the end of the proof-reading phase and will soon go off to the publishers. All the people in the know tell me it will be a smash-hit. It has taken me about two years in the making. The provisional title is 'The Saturday Pledge'. Should be out around November.

Yes, I have finally decided that I want to die in bed at the age of 98, having been shot by a jealous boy-friend of a beautiful 19 year old woman, after he caught us in bed together.

My son is a keen fisherman. Not me, however, I believe a fishing-rod is a stick with a hook at one end and a fool at the other. I don't mind eating the resulting 'catch' though. I wonder sometimes if fish go home and brag about the size of the bait they managed to steal.

For any golfers thinking of coming to play in Spain, bring plenty of money. The Spanish course owners have a wish-list of green fees, not a price list. It is VERY expensive. A round of golf with a buggy normally costs around 65-70€.  They don't seem to realise that many, many more people who live here would play if they moderated their prices. It is a foolish business person's logic that to make up for a lack of punters the price has to be raised to try to bridge the shortfall of running costs. If they lowered their prices more people would play, and they would get a knock on rise in revenue from food and drink sales, not to mention ancillary sales like golf balls. My golf balls are always fatally attracted to water, the out of bounds, sand, and the longest grass in Christendom.

Just visited the cinema here with my lady. Suite Francaise is an excellent film. I recommend it. Luckily there were no young women attending, so frequent movements of  toilet visitors were kept to a minimum. Why do they always go in pairs? Is it because one needs to relay text messages through the door as the other sits?

I watched 'Countdown' on Channel 4 the other day and have to admit I got aroused. Well, I'm proud of it. It is 7 letters after all......

Placido Domingo. Hasta Pronto.

As part of the Fusion deal with Movistar, they gave me a new sim card to put in the following day when Vodafone would stop my network. As soon as my phone went blank I put in the new Movistar sim card, put the new pin number in, all was well, except........a notice came up to state that my phone was blocked. I took it to Movistar in the Myramar Centre in Fuengirola, who told me that Vodafone do that to customers leaving them. Movistar said they couldn't unlock it. I asked them why they didn't tell me that before I switched. I got a shrug in return. Obviously Movistar would have liked me to have bought a new phone off them. They told me to go to a Rambo Telecom shop closeby who would unlock it, for a price. But they couldn't unlock it. So it seems I will have to buy a new phone. If I changed Electricity or Water companies they wouldn't do anything to stop my supply, so why should a phone company? The phone belongs to me, I bought it. Their actions should be made unlawful, but I hear that mobile companies pull the same stunt in the UK.

My lady and I went to see Timothy Spall in 'Mr Turner' at the Cinesur cinema. We both love Tim Spall but this film was a major disappointment. It covers part of the life of Turner, the artist. Not much of a story line or anything else for that matter.

Hot and sunny here today. Beautiful looking out over the blue Med. Sad to say all coming to an end very soon. We're returning to the UK, and getting rid of the villa. My wife misses the children and grandchildren, and health worries are the reason. We have adequate private health insurance, and the hospitals here are pretty good, but my lady and I feel more comfortable talking to a doctor in English, rather than our Spanish which, although adequate for day to day life becomes difficult when explaining health matters. We find too that Spain is becoming more and more expensive, even though the exchange rate is very good at the moment. We have worked it out that here in Spain it costs us about £1300 more a month to live here. So we'll use the money saved for excursions throughout the UK and Europe, going to places we have never been. If you're very wealthy Spain is lovely, and, if we could afford to fly home for a week or ten days every month we'd stay. Maybe if my latest novel, nearly at the publishing stage, is a best seller we'll reconsider......

We were talking to friends at dinner the other night, and I told them if I need to go to hospital, I wouldn't be scared of dying, but I would be really scared of becoming constipated.

As I'm getting older I have a small bottle by my bed, the label says, 'Could Be, Aspirin'.

Men's moisturisers do not work. There is nothing on God's earth that can do anything to take away the lines on my face caused by 50 years of arguing with my wife.

My grandmother had never flown, or seen the sea in person. Some years ago I brought her over to Spain, and the second day I took her down to the beach. She stood looking at the sea for about twenty minutes and then said, "Is that all it does?"

I watched the Norwich v Ipswich play off game today on Sky. I don't know much about football, but I do know Norwich murdered them 1-1.

Bye for now.

In our house in Norfolk we are lucky if we get an internet speed of 2.0mbs. I have just had fibre optics fitted to the telephone system in the villa in Spain by Movistar and we get anything now from 62 to 96 mbs!! Fantastic! The engineers worked tirelessly all morning and left myself and my lady very happy. I gave them both a copy of 'The Wednesday Women', even though neither of them can speak or read English!!! So the deal is, we get phone line, super-fast internet, 101 TV channels, my mobile, my lady's mobile, all for 72€ per month (about £49).

I am often saying on this blog that Spanish drivers can be very annoying. Today one came at me, and waved a fist at me, because I had the temerity to be driving the correct way down a one way street whilst he was coming the wrong way up it!  The mind boggles. Apparently also Spanish drivers are taught to keep to the INSIDE lane when turning at a roundabout. In other words, bearing in mind we drive on the right over here, if you are going to turn left at a roundabout you should take the right hand lane, cutting across traffic that is going to continue straight on. Madness!  Although I have often thought that their rule about putting hazard lights on is a good one, and should be tried in the UK....... A Spaniard thinks that if he leaves his hazard lights on he can park literally ANYWHERE. Pedestrian crossing, blind corner, double park, anywhere. As I am a part-time immigrant here I am very grateful that they are so courteous in their acceptance of me, and other Brits, but their driving and parking leaves a lot to be desired.

Yesterday a friend phoned us up and told us we had to get to our Spanish bank immediately and show them our passports, and other ID. Apparently this was the last day that we could do this under the anti-money laundering and terrorist movement of money legislation passed in 2010. There has been no publicity about it, nor did our bank advise us of the requirement. Had we not done this our account would have been frozen, which would have meant that no standing orders would have been paid.  Lucky that we had a concerned friend who by chance was in her bank in a very large queue and was told by a passing 'teller' whom she knew.

Today, is 'Workers of the World Unite Day', here in Spain. All the shops are closed. Except for bars and restaurants. To compensate all the shops are open on Sunday when they would usually be closed. Summer opening, which means 7 days a week starts in June.

My friend, who has a son in boarding school, just sent me an email, she said her son was going to spend today 'licking the nuts off of a large Neapolitan'.  I have no answer to that.....

My pal told me that the Election Debates on television are very interesting. Luckily we subscribe to 'Netflix'. Apparently the UKIP man has a very good head for money, theres a long slit on the top. Labour's Ed Miliband was seen practising his tight-rope walking last night, Clegg has just remembered he has been against the Tories all this time, and Cameron is exceptional at swerving. Well, that's what my neighbour says. I'm above politics. I think we should have a dictator.....me.

Last year I had my mobile phone in my shorts and, caught up in the fun of having my grandchildren splashing around in the pool, I dive-bombed the boy, with my mobile still in my pocket. When I got out I told my lady what I had inadvertantly done. "Was it switched on?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "You're bloody daft! You should have switched it off before you jumped in."

When he was very little my son asked me if I and his Mummy had sexual relations. A bit surprised and embarrassed I answered, " Er, yes, we do." He then said brightly, "Great! Can we go and visit them sometime?"

Around the same time my daughter, who was about five, told me, "I would get pregnant if I could be assured I'd have puppies."

Bye for now.