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I see that after the earthquake off the coast of Canada that they expect a Tsunami to hit parts of Hawaii today. It must be a terrifying time for the residents there. Last week my lady and I went to see the film 'The Impossible', this was about the Tsunami that hit Thailand. Excellent film, and although some events showed the tragic side of a disaster like that, it also showed how human beings come together regardless of race, creed, or religion, when needs be. A nice 'feel good factor' movie that helped to restore our faith in humanity a little.

Last night we saw 'Argo'. This film dealt with the escape of six USA embassy staff from Iran shortly after the overthrow of the Shah. We went expecting a sort of 'shoot 'em up' type film. We couldn't have been more wrong. Worth seeing, and Ben Afleck, who can do no wrong for me, was excellent as the CIA agent who heads up the escape plan. True story too.

'Skyfall' comes next week, can't wait. I'm glad to see there is a sequence where 007 fights a 'baddy' on the top of a moving train. I've missed that........Gene Autry was a hero of mine, and hardly a film went by when he wasn't punching the living daylights out of a crook on top of a train hurtling along the tracks. Of course, the ticket inspector had to be pretty agile in those days, what with climbing up on top of the train, and then holding them apart long enough to check their tickets.

They had a thing on Sky News about burglars this morning. I often wonder, if you had burglars that were 'gay', would they re-arrange the furniture? Or maybe change the curtains? Or perhaps paint the lounge pink?

During a book signing an old lady just said, "Emma Chissit", so I wrote in the book 'To Emma Chissit with best regards, Joseph Dickerson'.  I didn't realise she was actually asking me 'How much is it?'

The above reminds me of an old lady who phoned in to a radio request programme and asked for 'Anal Vice'........she actually meant 'Edelweiss'.

Why do they call the House of Commons the 'Westminster Village'? As far as I am aware most villages only have one idiot !!!

I have just stopped at the Benalmadena Pueblo traffic lights. Our side turned green, but we couldn't go because traffic coming the other way blocked the road. The stream of traffic took so long that our green light turned to red before we all could go. Obviously a lot of the traffic coming from the opposite direction had come through the red light. The local police seem to completely ignore this infraction of the law. This situation of vehicles jumping red lights seems endemic to Spain, it has happened to us and to friends many times. Similarly, cars double park in the Pueblo, causing hold ups and the local police just wander by without a care in the world, and seemingly blissfully unaware that they should issue 'illegal' parking tickets to stop people behaving selfishly, and causing situations that could cause accidents. There are plenty of parking alternatives in the Pueblo, but presumably because parking in them might require drivers to walk a bit further, they are totally ignored.

On the subject of madness, two cows standing in a field. One says to the other, "Are you worried about getting 'Mad Cow's Disease'?". The other replies, "Certainly not....it doesn't affect us helicopters".

Wife to husband, "How many woman have you slept with?". The husband replies, "Darling, I don't want to say, you'll only get angry". The wife shook her head, "No, I won't, I promise". "OK then if you insist, let's see, one...two...three...four...you...six...seven...eight...". Apparently her case comes up on Friday...

Frank Bruno suffered from severe insomnia. He went to the doctor. "Right, have you tried counting sheep?" asked the GP. "Yeah, I've tried that but every time I get to nine I get up".

An Irishman (Sorry Paddy) is trying to impress an American as they both visit the Space Centre in Florida. "Of course, Ireland's going to send a man to the Sun soon". "Impossible!" replied the American,"He'd get burned to death!" The Irishman shook his head, "We're not stupid you know. We're sending him at night!"

My lady and I have now emptied all 35 boxes, and we can truly say we have moved in, with nothing left to do. Yesterday we both felt guilty.....nothing to do! What a treat life is now. They do say Divorce and Moving House are the two most stressful things in life. I don't agree. When I think of poor unfortunate unemployed people out there who are in danger of losing their houses/apartments, etc., now that is stress, real stress. I often wish I could hit the jackpot on Euro Millones just so I could help to relieve the suffering of those folk who are going through a living hell of worry at the moment.

On a lighter note my team, Norwich City, managed to overcome the mighty Arsenal on Saturday. I watched it via my laptop stream. If anyone is interested you can get all sorts of channels, including all the English Premiership games, on 'FirstRowSports' for free. The pictures are not quite as good as TV but still OK. It's always nice to see the little 'Davids' beat the rich 'Goliaths'.

My grandson recently came back from a school trip to South Africa. Amazing, my longest school trip was to Great Yarmouth, exactly 22 miles! Anyway, he was telling me about watching a display of tribesman who ran around shouting, screaming, and beating their wooden clubs on the ground. I told him we do that here....we call it 'Golf' !

A couple of women are playing golf. One mishits the ball and it flies across the fairway and strikes a man who promptly doubles up and lies rocking gently on the grass. Knowing how painful for a man it is to be hit 'there' she offers help. "Look, I'm so sorry, I'm a physiotherapist let me ease the pain". She then slips her hand down his trousers and starts to very gently and expertly start massaging his testicles. After a few minutes she asks him how it feels. He replies, "Oh, lovely. But my thumb still hurts like hell".

Had a great day writing the final chapters of "The Saturday Pledge", only about another 25000 words and it's done. Then it will be on to the 2nd book in the trilogy. This will deal with the villainous young men going to Cambridge University and wreaking their demonic havoc there too. It's great in the house to be alone especially when I'm writing although my lady is very understanding. As long as I do the housework, the washing and ironing, cooking and ensuring all the bills are paid up to date, she leaves me alone. Well, unless she needs sun screen on her back that is....!!!

I see Cameron and Salmond have signed an agreement to allow Scotland to have a referendum on Scottish independence in two years time. It will be the Scottish people's choice, but history tells us that Nationalism often causes more problems than it solves. Where does nationalism end? 'Home rule for the Isle of Wight'!!! Democratic Republic of Norfolk...???!!!

I see the little Pakistani girl that the Taliban shot for daring to want an education has come to Britain. On the same theme I would dearly love to see our troops immediately withdrawn from Afghanistan and Iraq. They should never have been there in the first place. I believe that Blair has blood on his hands. Complete withdrawal would be excellent, and then the defoliation of the Afghan poppy fields that produce the heroin etc that brings misery to thousands of people in the UK and around the world. Drug dealers should have one fate as far as I am concerned. A good bullet is never wasted if used on certain individuals....

Like most people I want to go to Heaven, but if Blair, Clegg, or Cameron are there I think even Ipswich would be an acceptable substitute.

If someone's Dad was a Christian and his Mum a Muslim would that make him a 'Christmus' ???

It's my wedding anniversary soon. I often think that anniversaries are like toilets, we men usually miss them.....

They say that 'Sorry'is the hardest word. I think that's rubbish....it's that bloody Welsh railway station!!

They say you should never turn your back to the Queen. Why? I can't imagine for one minute that she'd pinch anything....

I've just booked my wife's return flight back to Spain, via Ryanair. They have a magical system. They can turn a £48 flight into £113 in seconds......unbelievable. Another case for the Government or the EU to rein in 'con artists' and make them state from the outset what the final cost of a flight will be.Oh for the days when you could take unlimited luggage, and got a hot meal on board, served with a smile....

I remember booking a flight once, some years ago, and the booking clerk asked me "How many people are travelling with you?" I replied, "How should I know, it's your plane". Then they used to ask you 'Has a stranger put something in your bag without your knowledge?'

I'm really not afraid of crashing. Just before impact I'm going to jump as high as I can !

It's amazing that they identify deceased air crash mutilated passengers by their dental records. Thing is, if they don't know who the passengers are, how do they know who their dentist is?

For those who hate flying there are now high speed trains from Malaga to London. The journey lasts approximately 23 hours and costs around 150€ one way, that includes a sleeper compartment and a 3 course hot meal with wine. If they trim those hours down a bit, I for one would prefer a train journey to a flight anytime. You can take all the luggage you want, walk around, have drinks at the bar, watch the countryside go by, and not look at all the startled frightened faces when the train shudders a little. And, best of all you wouldn't have to listen to Ryanairs bloody bugles just after landing !!!

I watched England play San Marino last night on ITV. If you take Rooney, and Hart out of the England set up there isn't much left that you could describe as 'International class'. We've fallen a long way down the table of expected winners of either the Euro's or the World Cup. I remember a newspaper headline that once read, "Hoddle finds God"......that must have been some pass !!

I was on a train from London to Norwich once and a man asked me "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" I replied, "Well, I don't actually have an alibi"

When my wife's very elderly mother was in hospital in a coma and not expected to live. My wife held her hand and said, "Can you hear me? Squeeze my hand, once for 'Yes', and twice for 'No'.

Well, at long last our move is now complete. Gave so much stuff away and sold some, but moving from a very large 4 bedroomed villa into a two bedroomed apartment meant that some of our furniture and nick nacks have had to be sacrificed. The charity shops have done well, so there is always a silver lining.

Movistar have pulled their latest 'robbery' on us. Charged 54€ to put a new phone in. Made a mess of it so I called them back next day to fix it. They charged me 70€ for their mistake, and now they inform me that to cancel my old phone off will cost me another 50€. So in total I have to pay 174€ just to transfer to a new address. The contract remains the same ! I wonder if they have, here in Spain, an equivalent to the UK's Oftel? Probably not, or if they do it would probably be years before they actioned my case! Bit like the courts here....best forget it. I often find that in Spain when a mistake is made by any entity, be it official, bank, company or whatever, you - the customer - finishes up paying for it. I think I should confine myself to bed with a severe case of 'the spends'. To move us about 1500 metres from one address to the other, the removal company charged me 400€.

However, I'm now able to concentrate on finishing the final chapters of "The Saturday Pledge". My wife is in the UK for a routine health check up and treatment, so I'm living on 'pinged' meals that she has left me.

We have a Toyota in the UK that my son in law makes sure is serviceable so that when we are over there we have transport, without having to hire a car. My wife used to drive like a maniac but I found out the secret of making her drive more sedately and safely....I told her that if she had an accident, her name and age would be printed in all the local newspapers.

My wife sometimes catches the train from Attleborough to Norwich. she moans about it, it's sad really but she still mistakenly thinks that British trains are being run for the benefit of passengers.....

Becks: "These cucumbers are hot, Victoria"

Posh: "They're courgettes, David. 

I went into a shop and asked for a 'big mac'. The idiots gave me a hamburger....what good is a hamburger in the pouring rain ????

Although the horrible news tonight of a 6 and 7 year old being stabbed to death is not the usual teenager stabbings, it doesn't detract from the fact that something needs to be done in the UK concerning knife and gun crimes. Why can't governments get really tough on these thugs and impose a 5 year prison sentence automatically for 'possession', and that 5 years means 5 years and not half off for good behaviour. The incentive for good behaviour should be that they would get something added on to the 5 years if they misbehave in prison. For using a knife or gun that doesn't result in death should command a ten year sentence, and I am an advocate for bringing back the death penalty for certain crimes, ie Murder of children and Policemen etc. Why can't 'Life' mean just that? If not call it what it is, 14 to 15 years, and then on with your life whilst the grieving families arec the ones that really suffer the 'Life' sentence.Don't talk to me or any other victim of crime about 'rehabilitation', I just want the scum off the streets of Britain.

Instead of this idiot inept government cutting back on the police, they should be investing in more police, many more police. Where will the money come from? Well, what about increasing taxation on the very rich. Let's face it some people in the UK who have just had their tax cut from 50% to 45%, by an unfair government of vested interests, should actually have their tax increased to 55%. They can readily afford it. Multi millionaires have a duty to their fellow countrymen and women to shoulder their fair share of the burden that, at the moment, is only being borne by working people that are really struggling to make ends meet.

The people who really produce the wealth of any country are working people. The government that we have in Britain at the moment favours 5% of the population. They try to fob you off with, 'oh we can't do that, they'll all leave Britain' - Rubbish. Germany and France have a fairer tax system and their entrepreners haven't deserted their country. Much of the profits of these 5% don't actually stay in the UK anyway.

The subject of my first novel "Every Day's a Monday" was based on real events when I was imprisoned in the Middle East on false charges. In prison a brute of a man said to me one day, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face you English pig!" I replied, "You'll be sorry". To which he asked , "Oh yeah! Why!". I in turn replied, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well"