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A villa just down from ours has two little dogs that are left in the front garden all day. As soon as anyone, or a vehicle, goes past they start barking. They don't stop all day pretty much and the noise drives everyone mad. The owner is a member of the Guardia Civil, so the President of the urbanisation is very wary of approaching him. Apparently it is only an offence if noise is made between 11 at night and 8 am. Little consolation to people who live around here. We had a similar situation in a house that we rented when we first came to Spain some years ago. Then the 2 dogs died in mysterious circumstances after the owner raised two fingers to various people who protested. Perhaps the owner of the current miscreants has a brain like Einstein's..........dead since 1955 !

I watched the Champions League final last evening, a most enjoyable game. Apparently German clubs only pay their players 38% of their gross income, whereas English Premier League players take some 68%. Perhaps that is why English clubs attract such fine players, although I thought the technical skills of those two German teams was outstanding.

Lidl's, here in Spain, apparently have some sun lotion spray (factor 20) on sale from the 30th at 2.99€. This is much cheaper than I have seen elsewhere so we'll stock up in anticipation of the annual arrival of our clans from the UK.

I read in the mail that the UK government is now considering only allowing so many visits to a GP annually. So under this hare brained scheme if you're ill and you've visited your GP up to the prescribed amount of times that you are allowed then you can't see a medical practitioner until your new year's allotment kicks in again. The UK NHS is under attack yet again from those who would have us live under the USA system, ie Got no money? Then no medical help for you my friend. So much of the progress enjoyed in the British way of life is being eroded by those who worship wealth above all other things. These ex - Eton right wing politicians leave me cold. If I found one floating in my swimming pool I 'd punish my dog. The rich in the UK are different to you and me......they pay less taxes.

My wife is just a normal housewife. She phoned the local taxi company to book a taxi to take us to the airport recently, the request went like this, "Could you please send a big fat racist bastard with a personal hygiene problem some time before I have my menopause?" Her personal number plate begins 'PMS' - nobody ever cuts her up and gets away with it! She considers that anybody going slower than her is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac! She came home one day and said she had some good news and some bad news. I asked for the good news first, she replied, "The airbags work."

I bet those passengers on the BA flight that had problems with both engines were nervous. Luckily it landed safely. There was probably a rush to the toilets when they got off. I often think that if God had intended us to fly He would have sent us tickets, made it easier to get to the airport, and sent a bolt of lightning onto anyone that started to think about an airline called Ryanair.

I play golf but have decided not to play anymore in Spain as it's far too expensive now. I can't justify 60-70€ for a round of golf every week. Imagine if your wife said she was going to buy a new dress every week to the value of that amount, most guys would have a fit. Be even worse if she said she was going to take up golf! One course near me found that over the last twelve months their clientele numbers had dropped by 60%. So, what have they done? They have increased the cost per round to offset their lost revenues! Only in Spain.....

I hear that Victoria Beckham is giving her old clothes to starving children.....makes sense.....who else are they going to fit??? My wife refuses to give her old clothes to the poor. She reckons they have enough to put up with without the added humiliation of wearing last season's attire.

At a dinner party the other evening someone asked why the USA was such a violent place, my wife popped up with, "It's because their wallpaper is so hideous." When you are in New York City my advice is to keep your money somewhere safe.....like Barclays in the UK ! Mind you NYC is an exciting place where something is happening all the time.....most of it unsolved.

My father once said, "Always remember that you are an Englishman and you therefore have drawn the first prize in the lottery of life." Mind you if you lived in Ipswich, the transition between Ipswich and death would be unnoticeable. We English are so polite, if we get knocked down by a lorry, we'll apologise to the lorry! God created a nation that he knew would get up the noses of English people, he called it France. They are such an ignorant race, every time you ask them a question they always answer in French! I asked my grandson what was the capital of France, he replied "F". They say that you can identify a French Infantryman by his sunburnt armpits.

The footballer Ian Rush couldn't settle in Italy, he said it was like living in a foreign country.

Bye for now. Hope you have a peaceful week.

Took my lady and a friend to see "The Great Gatsby" on Saturday evening. We all looked forward to it as 1920's styles and stories usually appeal especially with Leonardo de C in the movie. What a let down! We all agreed we were waiting for something to happen when the credits came up at the end of the film! It was such a nothing movie.

My love affair with Orange, as my phone & internet provider, is over. They promised me a really quick download speed, etc. so I agreed to move from Movistar to them. After installation the speed was just half of what I had originally, and my phones didn't work! After numerous calls with Orange they finally agreed that the promised internet speeds were not possible, and they didn't know how to fix my phones! To rub salt into the wound they refused to send out an engineer to look at it. I cancelled within my 'cooling off' period, and it took Movistar two weeks to reconnect me. Now their internet speed is much slower than it was before, and I have sent four emails and had six conversations with them. They promise me everything will be OK by Thursday......this is Spain, this is Movistar....I wonder what year they're talking about.....????

I have a brother in law who is not bright, he was caught shoplifting last week, from a Pound Shop!

I see that Gay marriage is on the agenda again. A good friend of mine was in the army, he got a medal for killing three men, and a discharge for loving one. As I've said before it says in the Bible that if a man lays with another man he should be stoned. So on the one hand they say being gay is wrong but on the other it's OK if you're both smoking dope....

So now that the UK bank that the taxpayers of Britain bailed out is making decent profits, the government wants to sell it to the private sector again. So if it goes tits up again does that mean that the tax payers bail it out again and then on returning to profit it is sold back to the private sector to play with again? It must be great being a rich capitalist, you just can't lose, particularly if the great British public continue to vote in the Tories and the Lib - promise them anything - Dems.

If so called television, radio, and newspaper 'Economic Experts' are so good, how come they're not filthy rich themselves?

I'm well into the third book of the trilogy "The Saturday Pledge". Don't know if I'll ever get a publisher for it though. This is the one that Kindle banned. If anyone knows of a brave publisher that doesn't mind publishing  three books that portrays life as it really is, warts and all, please let me know. I may have to self publish these. My friends, who have read the first two in order to give me feedback, tell me they think the first two are absolutely cracking reads. I guess they would say that though......

My local football team, Norwich City, beat Manchester City in Manchester last week. Quite an achievement when you consider that one of the Man City players costs the sum of the total that the Norwich entire squad cost. Also Man City players earn ten (10) times what the Norwich players earn. Norwich City FC are also debt free, probably the only club in the whole of the Football Leagues that is. Shrewd management has done it, and the best meat pies in Christendom thanks to our Delia, of course.

My wife is blond, she came in yesterday to tell me she had witnessed a woman collapsing in La Canada. She said the ambulance men arrived and as the lady wasn't breathing they gave her artificial insemination.

My wife believes that colonic irrigation is not to be sniffed at. We were very hard up years ago and she said she was going to sell one of her livers. I told her she couldn't possibly do that but she was adamant she could get by on just one. She has made me promise that if she is ever on a life support machine that I won't allow it to be switched off until she is down to a size eight.

The college I went to had a lot of drugs around the place. We don't have class reunions, we have flashbacks.

My college flat mate said he doesn't believe that cocaine is habit forming. He should know, he's been using it daily now for over fifteen years. Personally I'm addicted to chocolate, I sometimes snort cocoa. I also believe that young white men take Ecstasy because it makes them think they can dance.

Finally I think that beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.