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Happy villa yesterday, my granddaughter Jessica got 7 good passes and now goes to Norwich City College in September.  Her parents took her and us out to the new restaurant in the Pueblo (The Longhorn) last night to celebrate. Good steak but the rest was very mediocre, but the party atmosphere at our table was great. lots of laughs, mostly out of relief....

My grandson has 'tweaked' my website (www.joseph-dickerson.com). For a 13 year old he's really a wizard at IT, but he does everything at a million miles per hour. He runs everywhere, he was once arrested for walking, but we let him off because it was a first offence !! He once got separated from his Dad in the Castle Mall in Norwich. He told one of the security team that he was lost, and the man asked him, "What's daddy like?". Daniel replied, "Oh, Beer, Rugby, and he likes swearing a lot"

25 scousers get killed in a coach crash on their way to a football match. St Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates. Unsure whether he can let so many in all at once he asks them to wait by the gates whilst he checks with God. God says OK let them in. St Peter returns to the entrance to heaven. He then frantically phones God, "They've gone!". "What all 25 of them?". St Peter replies, "Yes, and the bloody gates!"

A man goes to see the devastation at Ground Zero after 9/11. He gets chatting to a fire chief. The Chief asks him where he's from, the man replies Ipswich in England. The Chief nods and asks "I don't know England too well, what state is Ipswich in?" The man replies, "Pretty much the same state as here"

Went to the family villa near Alcaucin, in the hills yesterday. Fantastic birthday party for my lady. Unexpected friends from near & far. Her sister Inga and our daughter Heidi arranged everything. Such a fun and love filled day around the pool and cool in the hot tub. Cooked pizzas in the outside pizza oven, each person put their own choice of ingredients on, and Inga had made a giant Baked Alaska for dessert. Huge amounts of wine and beer consumed followed by champers. Brilliant day for a brilliant lady. Of course I am a bit biased...

Broke a dental bridge, try getting a decent dentist in August in Spain !!!!!

Chap goes to heaven, St Peter shows him the Control Room. In it each person living on Earth has a personal clock. Every time they commit adultery the clock springs forward an hour shortening their life. The chap looks at all the famous people's personal clocks, Suddenly Peter Andre's clock's minute hand springs around the dial thus taking an hour off his life. The chap asks, "Where is Bill Clinton's clock?". St Peter answers, "Oh. we've got that one in my personal office, I'm using it as a fan".

My family had a lovely dinner last night in the Pueblo at Nino's. We then went on to the Feria in another part of the Pueblo and were treated to an excellent Spanish band/group playing and singing Spanish pop songs. They were really talented, especially the lead singer who was a hell of a mover too. Really enjoyed it all.

The family have all gone shopping and probably taking lunch in Myramar, leaving me on my own to write more of my novel. We're BBQing tonight. My son in law Andrew is a dab hand at BBQs so I can sit back and relax. Both my grandchildren have Ipads so they keep themselves amused. Modern technology - unbelievable the aps that they download and what they can do. They watch films and allsorts on these things....Christmas is not far away, wonder if I'll get one, would like a 64 bit one....hint hint !

Talking of technology, I asked my grandson to pass me the newspaper last night. He said in a very adult manner, "Look old boy, we don't use newspapers anymore, use my Ipad". He handed it to me. That fly never knew what hit it........!!!!

An elderly grandfather had just passed on. The granddaughter visited Grandma to comfort her. "What happened Grandma? I know he was 94 but it was still very sudden", Grandma replied, "It happened whilst we were having sex on sunday morning". "What? having sex at your age?" said the Granddaughter incredulously. "Well we used to do it every sunday morning. We'd do it leisurely in time to the church bells tolling. He'd be alive today if it hadn't been for that bloody ice cream van going past !"

Hope you have a peaceful and pleasant weekend.

I picked up daughter, her husband, and the two children at midnight last night from the airport. As we drove through the Pueblo we saw the lovely firwork display. On arrival home we found that the fireworks had set fire to some shrubland not far from our villa. The fire grew in intensity until it reached the tree line by our villa. By this time we had loaded up my 4 x 4 with a view to evacuation. At 3am the wind changed direction, and the heroic Bomberos had largely got the fire under control. It was a late get up this morning for my guests.........

Great to see England play so well against Italy last night, and with such spirit. Made me eat my words, and not for the first time !

Only a little book writing today. Try telling your 13 year old grandson you'd rather write a novel than play in the pool with him, can't be done.

My wife's favourite pop star Sir Cliff Richard was performing in front of an adoring Japanese audience. As he approached the last part of his show he asked for any requests for any of his songs. A chorus of Japanese people all shouted together, "Tits and Fanny" "Tits and Fanny". "Come on I've never sung any song called that". "You have" shouted the audience. "Well, how does it go?" asked Sir Cliff. The audience replied, "Tits and fanny, how we don't talk anymore"

Nothing written today. Daughter and family arrive this evening, so helping my lady to make sure the house is in a pristine state. I personally can't see any difference with the 'after' as opposed to the 'before' ! But then again I am a man....

Hope England win tonight against Italy, but I doubt it. I think that England only have a couple of truly international players, one of them, Hart, isn't playing. I feel that with our present Premier League set up, and all the foreign players in it, it may be another decade before we compete properly with other top international countries. Incidentally, Norwich have, with the exception of one player, a completely British or Irish squad. That's the way to go, but money talks in football, and my little club will probably get relegated!.

Picture the scene. A big headed relative of mine, and his wife, joined us for dinner in a restaurant that my lady and I enjoy going to frequently. He summoned the owner, "Get that air conditioning turned up a bit, I'm melting here!" The owner looked at me, I just smiled, "Very well sir" and off he went. Ten minutes later my relative shouted at the owner, "Now it's too much, turn the blasted thing down!" The owner looked at me and we smiled at each other. A little later, "Now it's too bloody low again, turn it up!" A little later, my relative shouted out, "That's better, now keep it like that!" The owner smiled and nodded pleasantly to my relative. As we left the owner and I shook hands, and we both smiled. As we got into the car I told my relative, "That restaurant doesn't actually have air conditioning".

Back in harness tomorrow, I shall write all day...............if my wife allows it.

My first book, "Every Day's a Monday", contiues to sell well. It's based on real events that happened to me and a work colleague in the Middle East when we were falsely charged with the equivalent of 'Deception' by senior policemen who were crooks because we wouldn't process a fraudulent claim for venture capital. The prison we were in was a hell hole, and we considered we would either escape or die. It was written by me for my family and started me off on the novel writing trail. So, there's always a silver lining.

Chapters of my new novels, a trilogy, "The Saturday Pledge - Book One - Rancliffes" are coming along nicely. I planned it many months ago, but thought it too risque, but my publishers said it has a better storyline than 50 Shades, and although it has some very sexy scenes in it both heterosexual, and homosexual, it also has a fair amount of humour in it too. I am enjoying every minute of writing all of my books, even the one I wrote for children,the downside is that when you write at home there are too many distractions to interrupt one's flow sometimes.

A blonde woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. She follows him to a house one day, and bursts in to find him making love to a young lady. The wife pulls out a revolver and puts it to her own head, "You made me do this" she screams. Her husband shouts out "Honey please don't do this". The wife replies "Shut up you pig! You're next!"

What a joy to luxuriate in the reflected glory of our athletes, and the brilliant London Olympics. Well done to everyone, especially the unpaid volunteers who did everything right, and with a smile too.

 Just off out for dinner, got to get back for the closing ceremony though.

Chapter 22 of "The Saturday Pledge" is nearly done. Many thanks to Patricia who sent me some useful websites. They helped a lot.

The Mother Superior is giving security advice to 3 novices. "Some men have a disgusting secret passion to rape nuns, so if you ever get cornered by this type of man follow my guidelines. Tell the man to drop his trousers" There was a gasp from the novices. "Next, lift your habit up to your waist". Another gasp from the novices. and one blurts out, "Surely we shouldn't do this Mother Superior, it will surely inflame the man even more" The Mother Superior smiles, "My dear, inflame him or not, a man with his trousers around his ankles will never outrun a nun who has her cumbersome habit raised to her waist!"

How do you get a drunk, one armed Irishman down from a tree? Wave to him.

My Lady and I were on our way back from the bank today and as we drove along the coast road near Sunset Beach Club we came across the National Police who had stopped a car with 4 occupants in it. They had their guns drawn, and were searching the suspects one by one. You read of crime in the newspapers here, but this is the first time in over 7 years on the CDS that we've seen any 'villains', or suspects. In fact it's the first bit of Police 'drama', apart from document checks, we've witnessed. I hope it's the last.

Have you noticed that The Guardia never sweep the road  clear after a traffic accident? When you get the go ahead to proceed you have to run over debris from the crashed vehicles.  British Traffic Police always carry a stiff broom in the boots of their cars. Much more sensible.

Spent much of today researching certain aspects of 1973 for "The Saturday Pledge". Here in Spain Google searching can be annoying. Everytime you put something in the Search Box, no matter what the subject, you seem to always get Inmobiliarias, Car Hire, Restaurants, etc etc.

Someone told me a disgusting Irish joke last night, can't repeat it here though. I stopped telling Irish jokes after a nasty incident in the Mess in Northern Ireland, when I was in the RAF. I told an Irish joke, and an Irish Captain took exception to it, he came at me with a razor. He would have used it too, if he could have found somewhere to plug it in.

I met up with my pal for golf last weekend. I noticed he was wearing a very sparkly earring in one ear. "I never knew you were into earrings Steven" I said., "How long have you been wearing it?" He replied, "Ever since my wife found it on the back seat of my car!"

Hope you have a peaceful & cool weekend.

I'm having  a hell of a job getting my pool clean. It just won't clear. I've hoovered it twice in two days. Could it be the Eucalyptus trees not far away? Their pollen is the consistency of sand almost. Perhaps my  filter needs replacing?

On Chapter 21 of The Saturday Pledge - Book One. Hugely enjoyable writing it. If my wife would let me I'd take meals at my PC.

 My wife is stocking up for the next lot of family visitors, they arrive next Wednesday. I'm so glad they're coming, my son in law is a whizz around the house....what was I worrying about my pool for? Andrew can fix anything. And then there's the washing machine, my laptop, the sprinkler system, the tumble drier, the film recorder, etc etc. I guess he'll be glad to get home to chase those nasty criminals in the UK after two weeks at my place......

Great that Ms Adams got the Gold in Boxing. She looks a sweetie but packs a punch.

A friend of mine flushed his Viagra down the toilet. The loo seat stayed up for three weeks.

A man was on holiday in Suffolk. He asked a local if there was a B & Q in Ipswich. The local replied, "Don't know, but I know there's 2 'e's in Leeds.

The Taliban have a battle group going through the desert when they hear someone behind a sand dune shout, "A British soldier is worth 10 Taliban fighters". The Taliban Commander sends 10 of his men over the sand dune. After much shouting and shooting not one Taliban comes back. The Taliban Commander hears another shout, "A British soldier is worth 100 Taliban fighters" The Taliban Commander sends 100 of his men over the sand dune. After much shouting and shooting a lone, wounded Taliban fighter staggers back to his Commander and gasps, "It's a trap! .........................There are two of them!"

Congratulations to Britain's Andy Murray for winning the Olympic Gold Singles Tennis. Commiserations to Scotland's Andy Murray for losing the Mixed Doubles Final Tennis.....

Drove to Alcaucin today to visit relatives over from the UK. He's my nephew, and owns a really good freehouse pub/restaurant in West Sussex, staying here with his Mum in her lovely villa for a welcome break. They have three bonny daughters, who laid on a puppet show for us all. Good fun.

The drive was not enjoyable though.Why do Spanish drivers always hog the centre lane? Why do they seldom indicate before turning? and when they do, they're turning already!! Don't they teach them to move into the appropriate lane, and indicate well in advance, in Spain? Also, 'undertaking' is illegal in Spain, doesn't seem to stop them though.......and I don't mean Funeral Directors by 'undertaking' either!!!

Must get stuck into "The Saturday Pledge" tomorrow. I always feel kind of guilty if I don't write at least a little every day.

How do you know when you've at an Ipswich wedding? Everyone is sitting on the same side of the church.

A man is sitting in the shade in his garden drinking an ice cold beer. Meanwhile his wife is puffing and sweating as she pushes the lawnmower up and down the large lawn. Their next door neighbour looks over the fence, sees what's happening and shouts to the man, "How can you sit there boozing while your poor little wife is struggling to cut the grass. You ought to be bloody well hung!" The man took a swig of his beer and replied, "I am. That's why she's doing the grass"

This Olympic performance by GB is quite good, we're up to 3rd in the medal table. Amazing what the Lottery money has done to boost our sportsmen and women's training etc. I thought Spain would have done better, when you consider tennis, cycling, beach volleyball, etc that appear to be sports that the Spanish would do well in.

I see the new Mayoress of Fuengirola continues to make herself unpopular. She is stopping the Sunday Fuengirola morning market. This was a very popular market amongst people that live here, and tourists. Hard to make a case to stop it. Her excuse is parking was difficult.....Parking is difficult everywhere. Surely not a valid reason. Maybe she'll ban tourists next because they clog up parking.....

I'm golfing at 0730 tomorrow at Marbella. I wonder if they allow pyjamas on the course.......

Two women on a crowded London tube. One says to the other, "See that man behind me? Is he handsome?" The other replies "He's young". Her friend comes back with, "I can feel he's young, but is he handsome?"

The same friends. One says to the other, "If I sleep with your husband, would we still be friends?" The other woman replies, "No". The other woman says, "OK then. We'd be enemies, right?".  "No" was the reply. "OK then, what would we be?" The reply came back, "Even"

Off to a BBQ tonight with Mike & Kay Churchill. Kay is the lady who heads up the English Academy. Her brother is over from the UK.

Two Spanish children brought a kitten around to us last night and asked if we'd take it. Sorely tempted but as we go backwards and forwards to the UK so often it's just not viable.

A young woman has a car crash in the London area. She is badly hurt. A paramedic sees lots and lots of blood around her. "What's your name dear?" he asks, "Sharon" she replies softly. "OK Sharon, where are you bleeding from?"   She replies "Romford".

Team GB up to 5th in the medals league table. Today was an excellent day for medals for GB. Plus the Lowestoft boxer beat the top rated Russian, fantastic!

My latest book "The Tuesday Empire" is in Bookworld. I hope it sells well in Spain, my wife likes to shop in El Corte Ingles, and you know how expensive their products are!!

On the serious side I think the most ignorant people in christendom are Publishers, closely followed by Literary Agents. Return telephone calls? Forget it! Return emails? Forget it! Don't get a chapter of your book finished on deadline date? Ever had your house burnt down?

My 16 years old granddaughter has a new boyfriend. In this day and age you have to carefully vet people, so I asked her to find out if there was any insanity in the family. She came back with, "Unfortunately 'yes'. They live in Ipswich and like the place". Life's a real worry.

We went to a Pueblo restaurant last night. As we were eating my wife asked me, "What's the chicken like?" I replied, "It doesn't like anything, it's dead".

Some years ago there was a cannibal who was seriously effected by British missionaries. On Fridays he would only eat fishermen.

My wife prefers to eat out as much as possible. She's not a terribly good cook. I used to think my mother was a bad cook, but at least her gravy used to move around a bit.

The reason you can't have driving lessons, and receive sex education on the same day in Iran, is because it wears out the camel.

Hardly any book writing today....my wife had other plans.

Bradley Wiggons must be one of the coolest, unassuming stars of sport that I can remember. A great ambassador for Gt Britain. Awful about the badminton, glad the IOC gave it the thumbs down, serves them right.

I remember dear old David Coleman saying, when commentating on the Olympics years ago, "And that bronze medal is worth its weight in gold".

I suppose for all people that hate sport, August is a double wammy. The Olympics now, and then, in less than two weeks, the football season kicks off!! 

2 of my grandchildren will be with us soon. That means trips to the beach and swimming in the sea. Last time they came I discovered that I scream the same whether I am just about to be eaten by a huge shark, or if a piece of seaweed touches my leg.....

What do you get if you cross The Godfather with Boris Johnson?   An offer you can't understand.

School reports I am not proud of: "This boy listens in class with the flawless dignity of the dead".