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If a schizophrenic threatens to commit suicide, is it considered a hostage situation? And if the suicide attempt is successful, is it considered murder?
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The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God,
"hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
************************************************ This message was last edited by eric on 2/23/2007.This message was last edited by eric on 2/23/2007.
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A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife." One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
Scroll down...You'll love this....
'You got Male
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thanks janice
when i go into jokes i can see everything that i posted,iam not good whith these cyber things,so tell me why i can see them ?but u dont. i just posted one whith a photo of a baby at the bottom can u see that one because i can.
eric
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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What we females have to go through ouch !!
Mammogram's
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to
worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam
and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the
test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your
home.
EXERCISE ONE:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door
as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.
Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time
wasn't effective enough.
EXERCISE TWO:
Visit your garage at 3am when the temperature of the cement floor is
just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor
with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly
back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled.
Turn over and repeat with the other breast.
EXERCISE THREE:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a
stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.
Smash the bookends together as hard as you can.
Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!
AND, just a thought for all the women out there........
MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown,
MENopause............
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?.........And
When we have real trouble it's HISterectomy!!!!
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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FW: Scouser joke / Brilliant
An Irishman, an Australian and a Scouser are sat in a pub enjoying a drink together.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:
"My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a
miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser, who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.
"What's wrong my son?" says Jesus.
The Scouser shouts, "**** off, I'm on disability benefit!"
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