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One for the girls............
>
> ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE
>
> Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
> Do you suffer from shyness?
> Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
>
> If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
> pharmacist about White Wine.
>
> White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more
> confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease
> you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and
> willing to do just about anything.
>
> You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and
> with a regiment of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that
> prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and
> awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many
> talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White
> Wine.
>
> White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
> nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind
> nursing
> or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include
> dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of
> motor control,
> loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur,
> table dancing,
> headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play
> all-night
> rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
>
> WARNING:
> The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
> whispering when you are not.
>
> WARNING:
> The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
> retard.
>
> WARNING:
> The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
> over and over again that you love them.
>
> WARNING:
> The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
>
> WARNING:
> The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
> really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
>
> WARNING:
> The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
> logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
>
> WARNING:
> The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
> are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
>
> WARNING:
> The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
> laughing WITH you.
>
> WARNING:
> The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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You might find some amusing ....
1 Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
2 Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
3 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check
when you say the paint is wet?
4 Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
5 Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?
6 Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
7 Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him?
8 Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
9 Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
10 What is the speed of darkness?
11 Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at The Special Olympics?
12 If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
13 If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how
cold will it be?
14 If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
15 If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
16 Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
17 If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
18 Can you cry under water?
19 What level of importance must a person have , before they are considered assassinated
instead of just murdered?
20 If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
21 Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
22 How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea
to put wheels on bigger suitcases?
23 Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like, every two
hours?
24 If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
25 Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at
things on the ground?
26 Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle
curtain while you change? They're still going to see you naked anyway.
_______________________
Jan
www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk
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This is priceless!!!!!!
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Emilie raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is:'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Emilie. Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a Flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of Rum, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f*ck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the p*ss." 
_______________________
Jan
www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk
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While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."
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In the hospital the relatives gathered in the
waiting room, where their family member lay
gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said
as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed
the news. After a great length of time, someone
asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, " £ 5,000 for
a male brain, and £200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the
room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact w ith the women, but some
actually smirked. A man unable to control
his curiosity, blurted out the question
everyone wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence
and explained to the entire group,
"It's just standard pricing procedure.
We have to mark down the price of the
female brains, because they've actually been used."
_______________________
FibbyUK
One off fee to pay your own La Renta tax (210 Form)
Check out my website:
http://www.payingtaxesinspain210form.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
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Hi Fibby, where have you been was going to pm you hope all is well Pat  BRILLIANT JOKE This message was last edited by Pat and Roy on 8/5/2007.
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Hi Peeps!
Went back to work on 27th July and have been absolutely shattered!
I only work 3 days a week but by heck it is hard after 4 months out and an operation to boot!
I will be back on here with gusto soon, thanks for your kind posts!
Sue
x
_______________________
FibbyUK
One off fee to pay your own La Renta tax (210 Form)
Check out my website:
http://www.payingtaxesinspain210form.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
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For several years, a man was having an affair
with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his
marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would
go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would
also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby
was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him
a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then
arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to
his confused wife."Honey,"she said, "you received a very strange
post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read
the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."
_______________________
FibbyUK
One off fee to pay your own La Renta tax (210 Form)
Check out my website:
http://www.payingtaxesinspain210form.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham
sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck,
"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get
many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".
"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The
Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just
brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey
Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good
money!"
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus", says the barman.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again.
"Yes" says the barman
"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah" the barman replies.
"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.
"Of Course" the barman replies.
"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck looks confused.
"What the hell would they want a plasterer for ?"
_______________________
FibbyUK
One off fee to pay your own La Renta tax (210 Form)
Check out my website:
http://www.payingtaxesinspain210form.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
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Here is a little mathematical formula  from the U.K. to tickle your fancy :-
IF:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
- is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
THEN:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
= 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
AND:
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
=11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
BUT:
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
=1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
AND:
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
=2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND: - look how far asskissing will get you
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
= 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that in the U.K. - While Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will definitely get you there,it's the Bullshit and Asskissing that will get you over the top!!
[It's no wonder that we are all heading for Spain - Huh?]
_______________________
Patrick - call me Pat
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I worked in a large commercial office, Noreen, & there was a commercial engineer who was the most bolshy character ever. Thought he was the bees knees with the women too & no, I never felt the urge to succombe, unlike a few I knew.  His name was Burke, truly. (I would've changed my name by deed poll like my cousin who was called Delicate, don't you lol now.  )
Each time this chap's phone rang he grabbed it & snapped "Burke". Needless to say we were a lot younger then (myself & office juniors) & the temptation for us to ring his number was almost too strong. Guess many elsewhere did ring him just to hear him say that immortal word "Burke" so they could reply "yes, aren't you ?"
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My silly, but funny, joke for today:
TWO BROOMS!
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.
The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.
The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,
"I think I am going to have a little dust broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
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Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.
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> > "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER !"
AND....................as Basil Brush would say: "Broom Broom"!!!!!
_______________________
FibbyUK
One off fee to pay your own La Renta tax (210 Form)
Check out my website:
http://www.payingtaxesinspain210form.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
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On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about
only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I will give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years ."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I will give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years ? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you
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A LIITLE SPARROW ,FULL OF HIMSELF IS FLYING OVER THE PARK,HE LOOKS DOWN AND SEES A RATHER NICE LOOKING ROBIN SAT ON A BRANCH.AS QUICK AS A FLASH ,HE FLEW DOWN AND MADE LOVE TO THE ROBIN.THE ROBIN SAYS "IM A LITTLEROBBIN ,ME LEGS ARE STILL A BOBBING,BUT IM HAPPY!".
A BIT FURTHER ON THE SPARROW LOOKS DOWN TO SEE A DOVE EATING SOME SEED ON THE PATH AND WITHOUT MORE A DO FLIES DOWN AND MAKES LOVE TO HIS SECOND BIRD OF THE DAY.THE DOVE SAYS"IM A LTTLE DOVE AND IVE A LITTLE LOVE BUT IM HAPPY!"
JUST AS THE SPARROW FLEW OVER THE POND HE LOOKS DOWN AND SEES A DUCK....AGAIN HE DECENDS AND SHOWS HIS EMOTIONS FROM BEHIND..THE DUCK SAYS "IM A LITTLE DRAKE , HES MADE A BIG MISTAKE BUT IM HAPPY!"
C'MON I HAD TO KEEP IT CLEAN!!
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ELECTRICAL GOODS.
Can anyone provide a list of electrical goods that is...
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BACON AND EGG FRYING IN A PAN...EGG SAYS TO BACON "COR ITS BLOOMIN HOT IN HERE?" BACON REPLIES " HEY UP, A TALKING EGG ?"
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ELECTRICAL GOODS.
Can anyone provide a list of electrical goods that is...
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