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21 Apr 2008 12:07 PM by villa-rentals-spain Star rating. 3 posts Send private message

** EDITED - Sick comments **



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23 Apr 2008 11:54 AM by morerosado Star rating. 6927 posts Send private message

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INFAMOUS TESCO MURDER

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side, underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor unsuspectin g woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper,


The headline declared............



(You're going to hate me for this)







 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 



'ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO!'


_______________________



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23 Apr 2008 2:46 PM by VickiT Star rating in Bournemouth. 121 posts Send private message

Brilliant!  That's going to be my new party-piece joke!



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25 Apr 2008 11:21 AM by EOS Team Star rating in In Spain of course!. 4015 posts Send private message

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The Banana Test

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by.
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off
the tree.




Who do you guess will win?






Your answer will reflect your personality.






So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds






Got your answer?






Now scroll down to see the analysis.























If your answer is:

Lion = you're dull.

Chimpanzee = you're a moron.

Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.

Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.



A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.


Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax!
Try again next year.

_______________________

Schools in Spain Guide | The Expat Files | Learn Spanish | Earn a living in Spain




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26 Apr 2008 1:21 AM by morerosado Star rating. 6927 posts Send private message

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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, 'The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go ou t with me.'

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, 'I love liver and cheese.'

'Oh, how childish,' said the Poodle. 'That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.'

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says 'How well can you do?'

'Um. I HATE liver and cheese,' blurts the Golden Retriever.

'My, my,' said the Poodle. 'I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence.'

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, 'How about you, little guy?'

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says.....

                                                                           

Liver alone. Cheese mine.

_______________________



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27 Apr 2008 11:11 PM by morerosado Star rating. 6927 posts Send private message

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If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you.
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.



Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Brad, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.


MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Brad gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!



TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brad's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.


WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brad told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other ###### too.




THURSDAY: Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny ###### to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.


FRIDAY: I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, little #@*. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?


SATURDAY: Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little ######) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!




_______________________



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05 May 2008 4:23 PM by morerosado Star rating. 6927 posts Send private message

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HOW TO HANDLE A PROBLEM NEIGHBOUR



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06 May 2008 5:19 AM by miguelcarr Star rating. 206 posts Send private message

miguelcarr´s avatar

 

 

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of
Stella and sticks it into the trolley.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on offer, only £10 for 12 cans", he says.
"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on
shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it
into the trolley. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the man,


"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.

The man replies... "SO DOES 12 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE



_______________________

Mick & Pam  




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08 May 2008 2:36 AM by miguelcarr Star rating. 206 posts Send private message

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A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a BMW when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his garage........
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,

 "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"


The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,

 "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"


The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...

 

"Try doing it with the engine running."

 



This message was last edited by miguelcarr on 5/8/2008.

This message was last edited by miguelcarr on 5/8/2008.

This message was last edited by miguelcarr on 5/8/2008.

This message was last edited by miguelcarr on 5/8/2008.

This message was last edited by miguelcarr on 5/8/2008.

_______________________

Mick & Pam  




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08 May 2008 9:18 AM by morerosado Star rating. 6927 posts Send private message

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Hi Mick & Pam 

Heard that one before but it always makes me smile just thinking of the conversation between those two.

By the way.. I see you made 5 edits but, if you delete previous This message was last edited by miguelcarr on *****  when you edit again, it shows just one, for future. (Just a thought ) 



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08 May 2008 11:09 PM by miguelcarr Star rating. 206 posts Send private message

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Hi

thanks for the info but I am sure I will make the same mistake again. We have been writing on callas del pinar blog in San juan for a while now but, it is not a very happy site as everyone is a bit down with the delays. So to cheer myself up and read some good news about people actually moving into completed homes. Much better to read good stories than hear other folk rattle on. anyway here i am rattling on better sign off Thanks again for the reply.



_______________________

Mick & Pam  




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09 May 2008 6:29 PM by morerosado Star rating. 6927 posts Send private message

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BLONDE POLE DANCER 

                                           
 
 

                                                                          



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09 May 2008 7:13 PM by morerosado Star rating. 6927 posts Send private message

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On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific, each group of three people of the same nationality are stranded on different islands.

Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
Two French men and one French woman.
Two German men and one German woman.
Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
Two British men and one British woman.
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
Two American men and one American woman.

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the Fr ench woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.

The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their businesses.

The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery.  They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets some what foggy after a few pints of coconut whiskey.  However, they're satisfied because the British aren't having any fun either.  The Irish woman has taken vows and become a nun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, h ow sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

 

 



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10 May 2008 7:10 PM by ozneo Star rating in Staffs UK & Las kale.... 16 posts Send private message

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Three men go in to a hotel. The man behind the desk said the room is £30. So each man paid £10 and went to the room.. A while later, the man behind the desk realised that the room was only £25, so he sent the bellboy to the guy's room with £5. On the way, the bellboy couldn't work out how he was going to split the £5 evenly between the three men, so he gave each man £1 and kept the other £2 for himself.

This meant that 3 men each paid £9 for the room, which is a total of £27, add the £2 that the bellboy kept = £29.

Where is the other £1?

I still don't get this one, but then I is blonde!





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12 May 2008 3:41 PM by tinto. Star rating in Scotland & Nr Estepo.... 243 posts Send private message

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What is a Senior Citizen

A senior citizen is one who was here before the pill, television, frozen foods, contact lenses, credit cards and before man walked on the moon.

For us "Time Sharing" meant togetherness, not a holiday home and a "Chip" meant a piece if wood.

"Hardware" meant nuts and bolts, and "Software" wasn't even a word.

We got married first, then lived together, and thought "Cleavage" was something that butchers did.

A "Stud" was something that fastened a collar to a shirt, and "going all the way "meant staying on a Double Decker to the bus depot.

We thought that "Fast Food" was what you ate in lent; a "Big Mac" was an over sized raincoat and "crumpet" we had for tea.

In our day "Grass" was mown "Pot" was something you cooked in, "Coke" was kept in the coal house and a "Joint" was cooked on Sundays.

Todays Senior Citizens have seen a lot!





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30 May 2008 9:33 PM by miguelcarr Star rating. 206 posts Send private message

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BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE?

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . . . . . .. .




(scroll down)

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.' 
 
 


_______________________

Mick & Pam  




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01 Jun 2008 8:57 PM by Eva2008 Star rating in Reading. 152 posts Send private message

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NATAL CURRY CONTEST

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.

For those of you who have lived in Natal, (South Africa,) you know how typical this is.

They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July.


Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting From America.

 

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

 

CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy sh !t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

 

CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who Wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

 

CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.

 

CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

 

CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chili peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.

Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really p!$$es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

 

CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to sh !t myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone ice-cream.

 

CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
 
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

 

CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?

Judge # 3 - No Report.





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02 Jun 2008 10:55 PM by miguelcarr Star rating. 206 posts Send private message

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A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag?

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man of about 12 inches tall and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.

'Where on earth did you get that?' asked the surprised bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here, Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish - just one.'


The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says,
'I want a million bucks!'


A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!



The bartender turns to the man and says, 'You know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'


The man replies...
'Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist???





_______________________

Mick & Pam  




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03 Jun 2008 1:39 PM by Sonia El Star rating in Wales / Carvajal, F.... 212 posts Send private message

Three men were hiking through a  forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get  to the other side, the first man prayed :  'God, please give me the  strength to cross the river.'

Poof!  .... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across  in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After  witnessing that, the second man prayed : 'God, please give me strength and  the tools to cross the river.'

Poof!  .... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was  able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing  once.

Seeing what happened  to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the  strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.'

Poof!  .... He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred  yards up stream and walked across the bridge.



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06 Jun 2008 2:17 AM by miguelcarr Star rating. 206 posts Send private message

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My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to

the vets. He found that the problem was hair in its ears.

He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep

this from reoccurring she should go to the chemist's and get some

'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and got some 'Nair' hair remover.

At the counter the Pharmacist tells her, 'If you're going to use

this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.'

The lady says: 'I'm not using it under my arms.'

The Pharmacist said: 'If you're using it on your legs don't shave    for  a couple of days.'

The lady says: 'I'm not using it on my legs either;

 if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'

The Pharmacist said: 'Stay off your bicycle for a week'

 

 



_______________________

Mick & Pam  




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