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11 Nov 2007 1:21 AM by morerosado Star rating. 6927 posts Send private message

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There were two nuns..
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he
wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one
minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us
both, so he followed me
SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM : And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run
 faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys!



_______________________



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11 Nov 2007 2:21 AM by morerosado Star rating. 6927 posts Send private message

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Love Story


I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be on your back for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!


?

 

 




This message was last edited by morerosado on 11/11/2007.

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13 Nov 2007 6:32 PM by lewjan62 Star rating in West Sussex / Casare.... 134 posts Send private message

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A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.


Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"


God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."


Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!


Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.


After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.


Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"


God replied: "I didn't bloody recognise you."



_______________________
Jan   www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk  



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13 Nov 2007 6:36 PM by lewjan62 Star rating in West Sussex / Casare.... 134 posts Send private message

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UK chooses 'most ludicrous laws'       

It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament

A little-known law which prohibits people dying while in the Houses of Parliament has been voted the UK's most ludicrous piece of legislation.

Another law which states it is treason to use a postage stamp upside down was placed in second place by those polled by UKTV Gold.

The most absurd international law was judged to be in the US state of Ohio, where it is illegal to get fish drunk.

The 3,931 people asked selected the laws from a shortlist of bizarre rules.

A total of 27% of those questioned thought the law against dying in the Houses of Parliament was the most absurd, while 7% voted for the legislation banning placing postage stamps upside down.

In third place, with 6%, came a law stating that only a clerk in a tropical fish store has permission to be topless in public in Liverpool.

Driving blindfolded

Other lesser-known laws making the top 10 included one banning eating mince pies on Christmas Day and another stating it is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armour.

Almost half of those asked confessed to breaking the mince pie law, which was brought in by Oliver Cromwell in the 17th Century.

The unusual international laws on the list included legislation against naming a pig Napoleon in France, driving while wearing a blindfold in Alabama and unmarried women parachuting on a Sunday.

The Law Society last year revealed other bizarre UK laws still in existence on the statute book.

They included a ban on firing a cannon close to a dwelling house (Met Police Act 1839); a ban on the use of any slide upon ice or snow (Town Police Clauses Act 1847); and the prohibition of driving cattle through the streets of London (Metropolitan Streets Act 1867).

Dead whales

The UK's top 10 most ridiculous British laws were listed as:

·  1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament (27%)

·  2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen's image upside-down (7%)

·  3. It is illegal for a woman to be topless in Liverpool except as a clerk in a tropical fish store (6%)

·  4. Eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned (5%)

·  5. If someone knocks on your door in Scotland and requires the use of your toilet, you are required to let them enter (4%)

·  6. In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet (4%)

·  7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen (3.5%)

·  8. It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing (3%)

·  9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armour (3%)

·  10. It is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls of York, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow (2%)

False teeth

Other bizarre foreign laws voted by those polled included:

·  In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk (9%)

·  In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation (8%)

·  A male doctor in Bahrain can only examine the genitals of a woman in the reflection of a mirror (7%)

·  In Switzerland, a man may not relieve himself standing up after 10pm (6%)

·  It is illegal to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle in Alabama (6%)

·  In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on a Sunday could be jailed (6%)

·  Women in Vermont must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth (6%)

·  In Milan, it is a legal requirement to smile at all times, except during funerals or hospital visits (5%)

·  In France, it is illegal to name a pig Napoleon (4%                 



_______________________
Jan   www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk  



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13 Nov 2007 6:38 PM by lewjan62 Star rating in West Sussex / Casare.... 134 posts Send private message

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A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.  Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."



_______________________
Jan   www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk  



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13 Nov 2007 7:09 PM by lewjan62 Star rating in West Sussex / Casare.... 134 posts Send private message

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WHY DOGS HATE PEOPLE..........

 

 

 

 

 

 




This message was last edited by lewjan62 on 11/13/2007.

This message was last edited by lewjan62 on 11/14/2007.

This message was last edited by lewjan62 on 11/14/2007.

_______________________
Jan   www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk  



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13 Nov 2007 8:40 PM by Karensun Star rating in Orihuela Costa. 1474 posts Send private message

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Why has the screen gone alllllllllllllll wide.

I can't get it all on my screen anymore!!



_______________________
  ' Do unto others as you would be done by'
   
         Now a non-smoker !  



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13 Nov 2007 8:44 PM by morerosado Star rating. 6927 posts Send private message

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Karen, it's because LewJan didn't post her last line of pics underneath each other, she put them all on one line.

I've asked her if she'll please edit the last line of pics (putting pics on 2-3 lines rather than the one) to bring page back to normal.





This message was last edited by morerosado on 11/13/2007.

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14 Nov 2007 12:18 PM by lewjan62 Star rating in West Sussex / Casare.... 134 posts Send private message

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sorry guys for all the trouble I caused. Hope its all ok now.

_______________________
Jan   www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk  



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14 Nov 2007 1:33 PM by morerosado Star rating. 6927 posts Send private message

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It's ok now, Jan.

_______________________



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16 Nov 2007 1:36 AM by morerosado Star rating. 6927 posts Send private message

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NEVER HEARD CREATION EXPLAINED THIS WAY BEFORE !!!

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and
Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said,
"You want chocolate with that?"

And Man said, "Yes!"
and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles."
And they gained 10 pounds.
And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt
that Woman might keep the figure
that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour
from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them.
And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and
garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their
belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you
heart healthy vegetables,
and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish
and chicken-fried steak so big
it needed its own platter.
And Man gained more weight and
his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake,"
and said, "It is good."
Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes
so that His children might lose
those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with
a remote control so Man would not
have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light
and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and
brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin
and sliced the starchy center
into chips and deep-fried them.
And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man
might consume fewer calories
and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's
and its 99-cent double cheeseburger.
Then said, "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied, "Yes!
And super size them!"
And Satan said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created
quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.




This message was last edited by morerosado on 11/16/2007.

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21 Nov 2007 1:32 AM by morerosado Star rating. 6927 posts Send private message

morerosado´s avatar

                                                                                         

                                                                                                   

                            



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22 Nov 2007 9:39 PM by Karensun Star rating in Orihuela Costa. 1474 posts Send private message

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THIS IS RUDE....................................but VERY funny !!
message from Phil, I am retiring from golf, click the link to see why.................

Attachments: Goodbye_g...pps (1159.2 KB)

WARNING...........DO NOT CLICK IF NO SENSE OF FUN:


This message was last edited by Karensun on 11/22/2007.



This message was last edited by Karensun on 11/22/2007.

_______________________
  ' Do unto others as you would be done by'
   
         Now a non-smoker !  



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22 Nov 2007 9:46 PM by morerosado Star rating. 6927 posts Send private message

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Karen, hi there mate.

I can open powerpoint files but not in this way so send it to me by email please & I'll try to watch it after putting it in my pps file.



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22 Nov 2007 10:27 PM by pooley-santos Star rating in London UK/Huercal Ov.... 58 posts Send private message

Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his parents making mad passionate love.  His Dad laughs, throws a pillow at him and asks him to leave.  A few days later as his Dad is walking along the landing he hears noises coming from his sons bedroom. On entering he sees Johnny giving his gran a right seeing to!

'Whats going on?' Yells his Dad

'See its not so funny when its your mum!'



_______________________
Pooley & Santos -Builder/ Delelopers - Plant Hire - Swimming Pools -...



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24 Nov 2007 1:21 PM by lewjan62 Star rating in West Sussex / Casare.... 134 posts Send private message

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The Jack Schitt Story

 

For some time many of us have wondered who is Jack Schitt ?  We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt”  Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

 

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.  Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O.Schitt, the owner of Needeep. N Schitt, Inc.  They had one son Jack.

 

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.  The deeply religious couple produced five children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.  Against her parents’ objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop-out.

 

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.  Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were still living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.  She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

 

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt.  Two of the other five children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.  The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

 

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.  Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.  He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

 

Now, when someone says, “you don’t know Jack Schitt,” you can correct them



_______________________
Jan   www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk  



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24 Nov 2007 1:52 PM by Karensun Star rating in Orihuela Costa. 1474 posts Send private message

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1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(because they are plugged into a genius)

 
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?


(they don't have enough time)


3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)



4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!) 
 
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?


(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)



6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

 
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

 
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

 (don't know.....it never happened)


8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?


 

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn) 
 



This message was last edited by Karensun on 11/24/2007.

_______________________
  ' Do unto others as you would be done by'
   
         Now a non-smoker !  



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24 Nov 2007 2:26 PM by morerosado Star rating. 6927 posts Send private message

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WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX ?

(because they are plugged into a genius)

Karen.




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24 Nov 2007 8:25 PM by keitdgn Star rating. 3 posts Send private message

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12?


A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.  They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?  To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son.  Men use them to have safe sex. "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.  Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

 

 He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,

"Why are there 3 in this package?" 

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.

 

"Cool" says the boy.  He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?

"Those are for college men,"  the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.

 

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?"  he asks, picking up a 12 pack.  With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men.  One for January, one for February, one for March......."

 





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24 Nov 2007 8:29 PM by keitdgn Star rating. 3 posts Send private message

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !



How many men does it take to open a beer?


None It should be opened when she brings it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------


Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?


Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------


Why do women have smaller feet than men?


It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows

them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.


-------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?


When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

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How do you fix a woman's watch?


You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

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Why do men fart more than women?


Because women can't shut up long enough to

build up the required pressure.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?


The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?


A woman who won't do what she's told.

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I married a Miss Right.


I just didn't know her first name was Always.

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes

a woman's sex drive by 90%.


It's called a Wedding Cake.

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Why do men die before their wives?


They want to.

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Women will never be equal to men
until they can

walk down the street with a bald head and a beer

gut, and still think they are sexy.

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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.


Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.


-------------------------------------------------------------------


Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and

to the select few women who can handle the truth !





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