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The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them
Pass on this advice !!
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A man is driving along a highway
and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver,
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay,
the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman
driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the
side of the road
and pulls over.
She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong.
'I feel terrible,' !
he explains,
'I accidentally hit this rabbit
and killed it.'
The blonde says,
'Don't worry.'
She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
bends down,
and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
'What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?'
The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.
It says..
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)
(OK, here it is)
It says,
'Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave.'
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_______________________
Home is where the heart is!
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Investment tips for 2008
With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman
Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be
some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the
next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and
make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in later this year:
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R.
Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will
merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .
5. FedEx is expected t o join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6. Fairchild El ectronic s and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become:
Knott NOW!
And finally...
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang
_______________________
Stephen
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Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?' Paddy replies 'I don’t know! It’s your f***ing plane!!'
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spread-eagled & says 'You know what I want don't you?' 'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'
Q. What’s have a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
Paddy's chat up lines:
1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just can’t hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Every time I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman who’s head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head
to which point Paddy said 'I don’t think that’s her, she wasn’t that tall!'
An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!'
She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didn’t even know they had mobile phones!'
Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'What’s his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London!'
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Nice daft one!
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy
down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you
that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon
treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How
big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there
is myself, me Cousin Sean , me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts
team from the pub. That makes eleven!'
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army
waiting to move on my command.'
'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is
still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm
tractor.'
Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and
5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000
since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to
you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still
on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four
boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases
are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last
spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you
back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin',
Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden
change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of
Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no way we can feed
200,000 prisoners
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Nice daft one!
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy
down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you
that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon
treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How
big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there
is myself, me Cousin Sean , me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts
team from the pub. That makes eleven!'
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army
waiting to move on my command.'
'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is
still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm
tractor.'
Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and
5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000
since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to
you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still
on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four
boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases
are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last
spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you
back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin',
Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden
change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of
Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no way we can feed
200,000 prisoners
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Nice daft one!
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy
down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you
that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon
treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How
big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there
is myself, me Cousin Sean , me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts
team from the pub. That makes eleven!'
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army
waiting to move on my command.'
'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is
still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm
tractor.'
Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and
5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000
since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to
you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still
on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four
boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases
are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last
spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you
back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin',
Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden
change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of
Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no way we can feed
200,000 prisoners
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, ' There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'
(you're gonna love this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
Have a lovely day
_______________________
Maureen & Dennis
Coto Real
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A Letter To Our Dogs And Cats
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing
in the slightest.
The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the other end is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because
I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king -sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure
your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out
to the fullest extent possible. I also think that sticking tails straight
out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is
nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom alone for years -
canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door.
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1 They live here. You don't
2 If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3 I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4 To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who
is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
NOTE:
Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money
all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive
Your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink,
don't sass back, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions,
don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and
if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.
_______________________
Stephen
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Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not
funny at all !!!
2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN'
DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me
check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my
nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now
you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You
fooled a dog!
Whoooo Hoooo what a proud moment for the top of
the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then
acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of
your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing
yet.
9.Dog sweaters. Hello ???, Haven't you noticed
the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these thing's, We both
know who's boss here!!!
You don't see me picking up your poop do you ???
_______________________
Stephen
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PICKUP LINE
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him,
looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody,
any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door,
on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty,
clean ... it just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got
out of college and I just love it.'
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, ''No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"
_______________________
Stephen
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All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread.
These are not made up. Check them out yourself!
1. "Who Represents" is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com
2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com <
_______________________
Stephen
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How It Works the stock market
Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers.
'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
_______________________
Stephen
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Before marriage.....
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to the top.
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Holy Prostitutes
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without
second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to
the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in
a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business.....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers
the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go
through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through
the door pulling it shut behind him
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing
another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
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_______________________
Stephen
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Two blonde girls were working for the Sydney City Council Parks
Department. One would dig a hole and the other girl would follow
behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other,
then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without
rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again,
then moving on.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but had absolutely no
idea what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm very
impressed by all the hard effort you two are putting into your work,
but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner
follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it
probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.
But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'
_______________________
Stephen
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THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer Heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like, speaking English is apparently what kills you.
_______________________
Stephen
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