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Paddy walks into the confessional and says to the priest
Father I have come to comfess my sins
Yes my son what have you to confesss says the priest
Well the other day I was in the pub and I met Fanny Green, she's the new woman in town. she was stunning and all in green, any way we had a few drinks and she invited me back to her place, As i was a bit drunk i could not resist the temptation and we mad love. I feel so guilty now and I hope the wife doesn't find out says Paddy.
Well you know you did wrong my son so say three Hail Marry's and stay out of her way in future.
A while later Murphy comes in and says, Father I have come to confess my sins
Yes my son what have you to confess, says the priest
Well the other day I was walking through the park when I saw this stunning lady sunbathing, she was wearing a minute green bikini. I introduced myself, she said her name was Fanny Green and she was new in town. Well one thing led to another and we ended up making love twice that day says Murphey.
Well you now you did wrong my son so say Five Hail Marry's and stay out of her way in future, that Fanny Green seems to be trouble.
In church that Sunday the priest was sitting with the alterboys waiting to start the service when in walked a stunning woman wearing a green hat, green mini skirt and emerald green shoes, and she sat in the front pew with her legs slightly apart.
The priest says to the alter boy, Tell me my son is that Fanny green.
The alter boy bend down and takes a good look up the lady's skirt and says
No Father I think it's a reflection off her shoes.
Recardo
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An Irishman is tired of people thinking he's stupid just because he's Irish. He decides if he can lose his Irish accent, nobody will know and won't be so nasty to him. So, he raids his bank account and pays several hundred pounds to spend 2 weeks at a London academy. After 2 weeks, he is full of confidence, so he puts on his best clothes and goes out into the London streets and into a shop.
In perfect English, he greets the shopkeeper. "Good morning, my good fellow. I would like a packet of Dunhill International tipped, a box of Swan Vesta and a copy of the Guardian, please.
The shopkeeper replies "You're Irish, aren't you?".
Irishman: "My good man, whatever makes you think that?".
Shopkeeper: "This is a chip shop!".
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It is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking that a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine....
(5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine.....
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
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A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times."
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be."
"Husband #2 was in Software Services. He was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me."
"Husband #3 was from Field Services. He said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."
"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."
"Husband #5 was an Engineer. He understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method."
"Husband #6 was from Administration. He thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."
"Husband #7 was in Marketing. Although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it."
"Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist. All he did was talk about it."
"Husband #9 was a Gynaecologist All he did was look at it."
"Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was.........Oh God, how I miss him."
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
.
.
.
.
.
.
"You're with the "GOVERNMENT.....
This time I KNOW I'm going to be SCREWED."
_______________________
 ' Do unto others as you would be done by'
Now a non-smoker ! 
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_______________________
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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex
together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well". "OK," he says,
"How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" " Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting
in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple pass, he says to them," Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence. 
_______________________
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We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do not do anything.
Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments. An Arab shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his girlfriend but nothing has been proved yet.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay. Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs. The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control.
Who'd live near Windsor Castle?
_______________________
' Do unto others as you would be done by'
Now a non-smoker !
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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of
many."
The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and
went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar
_______________________
' Do unto others as you would be done by'
Now a non-smoker !
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The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color coded.'
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.'
__________________
_______________________
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I Think You're The Father Of One Of My Kids...
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher..."
_______________________
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A Load of Bull....
A man took his wife to the rodeo, and one of the first exhibits they stopped
at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said "This
bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said "He mated 50
times last year?"
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said "This bull
mated 120 times last year."
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said "That's more than twice a
week! You could learn a lot from him !! "
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said "This bull
mated 365 times last year."
The wife, who was so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs,
said "That"s once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said "Go over and ask him if it was with the
same cow."
The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he
should eventually make a full recovery !!!.
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Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider
this...
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk Clerk; hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00.
When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50.00."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."
_______________________
' Do unto others as you would be done by'
Now a non-smoker !
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A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in
and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.' 'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently to you, but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'
Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £9,000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch.'
The bloke perks up at this.
'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'
So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.
'So' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have.' says the fellow.
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
'She has' says the bloke.
'And what is it?' asks the doctor...
'We're having a new kitchen
_______________________
' Do unto others as you would be done by'
Now a non-smoker !
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On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so
well and so effortlessly?
"That's easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."
"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" he inquired.
"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in."
When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me.
Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"
Blair replied, "That's easy. The child was me. "Very good,' said the Queen, "You may go, now."
So President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of staff, Karl Rove.
He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important."
"Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"
Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this
for a while?"
"Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."
So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House Staff, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions,
none of them had a satisfactory answer. So he was quite upset, not knowing what he would tell the President. As Rove was walking back to the
Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him. So he said, "Mr. Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me?"
"Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"
That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me." "Oh thank you," asid Rove, "You may just have saved me my job!"
So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin
Powell!"
"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush, "The child was Tony Blair!"
Sorry but print wouldn't go larger. I took all the confounded >> out though, took me ages but was worth it.
This message was last edited by morerosado on 8/26/2007.
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The Sensitive Man
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>A woman meets a man in a bar.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
>>They get back to his place,
>>and as he shows her around his apartment.
>>
>>
>>
>>She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
>>completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
>>There are three shelves in the bedroom,
>>with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
>>cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire
>>wall!
>>It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly
>>arrange them
>>and she was immediately touched
>>by the amount of thought he had put into organising the display.
>>There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
>>medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,
>>and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
>>
>>
>>
>>She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy
>>to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,
>>She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
>>but doesn't mention this to him.
>>
>>
>>They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and,
>>after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
>>"Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
>>Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips
>>He responds warmly.
>>They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
>>and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his
>>bedroom
>>where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
>>
>>She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,
>>more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
>>After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this
>>sensitive guy,
>>they are lying there together in the afterglow.
>>
>>
>>The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
>>"Well,how was it?"
>>The guy gently smiles at her,
>>strokes her cheek,
>>looks deeply into her eyes,
>>and says:
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>"Help yourself to any prize
>>from the middle shelf."
>>
>>
>>
>>
_______________________
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There was a Scottish painter named Wayne who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Wayne put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..
(you're going to love this)
"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
_______________________
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Three Black Ladies
There were three old black ladies getting ready to take a plane across
the
Ocean.
The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'ouse mob, but I'm gunna wear
some
Hot pink panties beefo I get on dat plane."
"Why you gonna wear dem for?" the other two asked.
The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare
laying
Butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first."
The second lady said, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some flooresant orange
panties."
"Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.
The second lady answered, "Cause if dis hareplane is goin' down and I'm
floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first."
The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear NO panties....."
"What? No panties?" the others asked In disbelief.
"Dat's right, you heard me. I'm not wearing any panties," the third lady
said,
cause if dis plane goes down, honey dey always look for da black box
first.
_______________________
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A friend of mine took her rabbit to the vet.
What's the problem said the vet.
Well she said, my rabbit has a bit of lettuce stuck in it's bottom, it just wont shift.
Let's have a look said the vet.
Ahhhh, he said, inspecting the rabbit's nether region, I see the problem now.
What is it said my friend, is it something serious?
Well, said the vet, this is just the tip of the iceberg........................
Because I'm a man , when I lock my keys in the car, I will
fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win. And you probably have my keys, anyway.
___________________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If
another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a
couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
____________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
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Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at
the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items
like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
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Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me
twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back
together.
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Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers only)
__________________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. If
you insist on asking, I will just make up something, so just don't ask.
__________________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about
her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is
okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something
for my mother, too.
___________________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . . and if
you are feeling amorous afterwards . . then I will certainly at least
remember the name and recommend it to others.
__________________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is
fine. With the belt or without it, it looks fine. It does not make your
ass look too much bigger. It was the pasta and potatoes and margaritas
that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
___________________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
Like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.
This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.
_______________________
' Do unto others as you would be done by'
Now a non-smoker !
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Husband admiring his naked body in the mirror says to his wife
"look at that, 12 stone of pure dyanmite"
Wife replys
"bloody shame about the 2 inch fuse" !!
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_______________________
' Do unto others as you would be done by'
Now a non-smoker !
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No wonder men are happier people  
What do you expect from such simple creatures ?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Greying hair adds attraction. Wedding dress~£2,000. Tux rental~£150. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is £6.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkes in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier
_______________________
' Do unto others as you would be done by'
Now a non-smoker !
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