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1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
5 Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be
stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the
fog.
8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those
who got there first.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in
the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty
_______________________
Stephen
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THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put
everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane
prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain
Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane
shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would
be super.'On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and
rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear
me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo,
so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'She calmly turned her head
and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no
one.' To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a
beat,'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank
you.Tray-up, Bitch.'
_______________________
Stephen
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There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in
a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.
This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed
from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to
say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently
suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks
like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and
find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right
angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power............ A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.
Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!'
_______________________
Stephen
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SIPPING VODKA
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .
The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
_______________________
Jan
www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk
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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife
dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.
_______________________
Jan
www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk
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From the great Tommy Cooper............
ALL PUNS INTENDED....
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar.
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
'A beer please, and one for the road.'
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you ?'
7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common ?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
And were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to
Disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
He suffered from bad breath.
This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Have a great weekend everyone!!
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_______________________
Quite frankly m'dear, I don't give a damn!
www.herbalmarbella.com
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whats the difference between
snowmen
and snowwomen
..........................................snowballs!
_______________________
Nobody plans to fail, many fail to plan, sadly the result is the same.
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You thought the last one was bad well..................think again!!!!!
man goes to his doctors
"doc, doc-- i cant stop singing The GREEN GREEN GRASS OF HOME"
DOC- "OH NO"
MAN- "DOC , DOC IS IT BAD?"
DOC - "ITS NOT UNUSUAL"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
_______________________
Nobody plans to fail, many fail to plan, sadly the result is the same.
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TALK ABOUT XMAS SPIRIT..............
EAGELRY LOOKING FORWARD TO 1ST DEC AND THE OPENING OF THE FIRST DOOR OF MY ADVENT CALENDAR..............NOW KNOWING THAT WE ARE IN THE GRIPS OF A RECESSION................KNOWING THAT WOOLWORTHS WAS GOING UNDER.....................IN I WENT AND PURCHASED MY ADVENT CALENDAR................
OPENED THE FIRST WINDOW .......................AMD LOW AND BEHOLD BEHIND IT WAS A ............BOARDED UP WINDOW WITH A FOR SALE SIGN ON IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
_______________________
Nobody plans to fail, many fail to plan, sadly the result is the same.
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How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.
"Oh. ! Killed any?"
She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
_______________________
... and your point is?
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I bought all the grand children an advent calendar from Woolworths.
I deliverd them last week.
Alas all the doors were boarded up.
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I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!
He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms!
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation...'I meant my dress size, you ****ing t**t !!!'
The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.....
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You should try this!
Sure to bring smiles from your guests!
Here is a new way to prepare your Christmas Turkey.
1. Cut out aluminium foil in desired shapes.
2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully. (see attached
Picture for details)
3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve.
4. Watch your guests' faces...
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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
>>
>> TO: All Employees
>>
>> DATE: 4th November
>>
>> RE: Christmas Party
>>
>> I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
>> on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the
>> Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a
>> small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.
>>
>> And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as
>> Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.
>> Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no
>> gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of
>> gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
>>
>> This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a
>> special announcement at the Party.
>>
>> Merry Christmas to you and your Family
>>
>> Pauline
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
>>
>> TO: All Employees
>>
>> DATE: 5th November
>>
>> RE: Holiday Party
>>
>> In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
>> We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often
>> coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However,
>> from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same policy
>> applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no
>> Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of
>> music for your enjoyment.
>>
>> Happy now?
>>
>> Happy Holidays to you and your family,
>>
>> Pauline.
>>
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
>>
>> TO: All Employees
>>
>> DATE : 6th November
>>
>> RE: Holiday Party
>>
>> Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
>> requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
>> to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
>> "AA Only," you wouldn't beanonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to
>> handle this? Somebody?
>>
>> Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the
>> Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management
>> believe $10.00 is a little cheap.
>>
>> NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
>>
>> Pauline.
>>
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
>>
>> TO: All Employees
>>
>> DATE: 7th November
>>
>> RE: Holiday Party
>>
>> What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the
>> Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
>> day light hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how
>> a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
>> employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your
>> meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you
>> to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?
>>
>> Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
>> from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to
>> the toilets, Gays a re allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not
>> have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.
>>
>> Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.
>>
>> To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing
>> allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep.
>>
>> We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be
>> available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the
>> food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food
>> first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
>> restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
>>
>> Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
>>
>>
>> Pauline.
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
>> TO: All F****** Employees
>>
>> DATE: 8 November
>>
>> RE: The ******** Holiday Party.
>>
>> Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
>> this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
>> quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so
>> quaintly put it.
>>
>> You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you
>> know tomatoes have feeling, too.
>>
>> They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing
>> them scream right NOW!!
>>
>> Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and die!
>>
>> The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>> ~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>
>> FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
>>
>> DATE: 9th November
>>
>> RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
>>
>> I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy
>> recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
>>
>> In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
>> instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full
>> pay
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_______________________
Stephen
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Paddy walks past his mate Mick's place and there's a sign up saying "Boat for Sale"
Mick's stood out in the front garden so Paddy asks "What's all that about Mick, you haven't got any boat..all you have is a tractor and a caravan?
Micks says "Yes dat's right Paddy..and de're boat for sale"
This message was last edited by growler on 1/2/2009.
_______________________
Kind Regards..Pat
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Today I saw something in a reputable electrical shop, Visanta, that sparked my interest (pun intended).
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant.
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in it and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Avril, my better half, what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat on my sofa, my cat Rhani looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Rhani (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to Avril to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose (eyesight is starting to go a bit), directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, by less than 3/4 inch; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Rhani looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . ..
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Superman ran in through the side door, picked me from the sofa, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging on the wall, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the TV stand. The sofa was upside down and about 4 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it was frozen stiff, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I sh*t myself, but was too numb to know for sure as my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
_______________________
... and your point is?
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That was really funny, you will have to move to Duquesa, could do with more fun like that.
_______________________
Maureen & Dennis
Coto Real
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I have such a strange, albeit large, brain.
It thrives on sarcastic humour and I love hecklers when I am working.
_______________________
... and your point is?
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I have found 2 nuts!!!! What's the reward???
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Bought myself a new deodorant yesterday. Instructions said 'take off top and push up bottom'........ Still in casualty at the moment !! ...
_______________________
Chrissie
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