From a little book called "Disorder in the Birmingham Court."
They're things people actually said in court, word for word.
> Q: What is your date of birth?
> A: July fifteenth.
> Q: What year?
> A: Every year.
>
> Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>
> Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
> A: Yes.
> Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> A: I forget.
> Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
>
> Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
> A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> Q: How long has he lived with you?
> A: Forty-five years.
>
> Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
> A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> Q: And why did that upset you?
> A: My name is Susan.
>
> Q: And where was the location of the accident?
> A: Approximately milepost 499.
> Q: And where is milepost 499?
> A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
>
> Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
> A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
>
> Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
> A: After the accident?
> Q: Before the accident.
> A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
>
> Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
> A: We both do.
> Q: Voodoo?
> A: We do.
> Q: You do?
> A: Yes, voodoo.
>
> Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
> A: Yes.
> Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
> A: Yes, sir.
> Q: What did she say?
> A: What disco am I at?
>
> Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>
> Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
>
> Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>
> Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
>
> Q: Did he kill you?
>
> Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
>
> Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
>
> Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
>
> Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> A: Yes.
> Q: And what were you doing at that time?
>
> Q: She had three children, right?
> A: Yes.
> Q: How many were boys?
> A: None.
> Q: Were there any girls?
>
> Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
> A: Yes.
> Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
>
> Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
> A: I went to Europe, Sir.
> Q: And you took your new wife?
>
> Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
> A: By death.
> Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
>
> Q: Can you describe the individual?
> A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> Q: Was this a male, or a female?
>
> Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
> A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>
> Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
> A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
>
> Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> A: Oral.
>
> Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
> A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
>
> Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>
> Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
> A: No.
> Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
> A: No.
> Q: Did you check for breathing?
> A: No.
> Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
> A: No.
> Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
> A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
>
> Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
> A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
>
> Here are some classic Court transcripts, all recorded by the keepers of the word in various parts of the world...
LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
> WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
> LAWYER: Male semen?
> WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.
>
> LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
> WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
> LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
> WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
> LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
> WITNESS: No.
>
> LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
> WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
> LAWYER: It was covered?
> WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
> LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
> WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
> CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
> WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
> CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
> WITNESS: That's right.
> CLERK: Repeat it.
> WITNESS: "Repeat it".
> CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
> WITNESS: What you said when?
> CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
> WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
> CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
> WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
> CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
> WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
> CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
> WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
> CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
> WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
> CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
> WITNESS: Yes.
> CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> CLERK: Well? Do so.
> WITNESS: You're confusing me.
> CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
> WITNESS: Is that all?
> CLERK: Yes.
> WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
> CLERK: Then say it.
> WITNESS: What?
> CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
> WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
> CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
> WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
> CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".
> WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
> CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
> WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
> CLERK: Thank you.
> WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.
> LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
> WITNESS: I did.
> LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
> WITNESS: I did.
> LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
> WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
> LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
> WITNESS: I saw George.
> LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
> WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
> LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
> WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
> LAWYER: His "thing"?
> WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
> LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
> WITNESS: Of course I did!
> LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George." clean but amusing...