Forum home :. General chit chat forum :.

JOKES PLEASE .. IN HERE

This thread is currently locked.	:: New - Old :: Old - New
Pages: Previous \| ... \| 42 \| 43 \| 44 \| 45 \| 46 \| 47 \| 48 \| 49 \| 50 \| 51 \| 52 \| ... \| Next \|	Forum home :: Latest threads :: Search forums

The Comments
16 Jan 2008 1:17 AM by morerosado . 6927 posts Send private message Old Guy at the Beach! And what were you thinking? _______________________ 0 Like Spam post or abuse? Please let us know
16 Jan 2008 9:51 AM by Frustrated Owner in Torreblanca del Sol. 56 posts Send private message Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay." ************************************************************************************************** A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." ********************************************************************************************************************** A Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy." _______________________ A life without sunshine is mere existence 0 Like Spam post or abuse? Please let us know
16 Jan 2008 9:57 AM by Frustrated Owner in Torreblanca del Sol. 56 posts Send private message A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes,but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says. "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard! Moral of this story.... Don't mess with old farts... age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill ! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience _______________________ A life without sunshine is mere existence 0 Like Spam post or abuse? Please let us know
30 Jan 2008 6:48 PM by morerosado . 6927 posts Send private message A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did. The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out. Shortly before landing in New York, she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself. Men never learn. :-) _______________________ 0 Like Spam post or abuse? Please let us know
31 Jan 2008 9:30 AM by EyeSore Observer . 10 posts Send private message An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian." 0 Like Spam post or abuse? Please let us know
31 Jan 2008 9:31 AM by EyeSore Observer . 10 posts Send private message The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fife is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window. 0 Like Spam post or abuse? Please let us know
31 Jan 2008 11:36 AM by Gillespie in Costa Calida Area. 608 posts Send private message A lady golfer storms into the clubhouse and says to the steward, "I demand to see the club secretary!!" The stewards brings him to the lady. "Can I help you madam?" the secretary asks. The lady says "You are damn right you can help me, I have just been stung by a bee on YOUR golf course!!!" "Oh dear madam, where exactly did the bee sting you??" he asks "Somewhere between the first and second hole" she yells. "Mmmm" replies the secretary, "Can I suggest you have your stance all wrong!!" This message was last edited by Gillespie on 1/31/2008. _______________________ Business advice and consultancy - Visit www.calidain2business.com Calida in2 Business - Spanish Property Clearance. www.spanishpropertyclearance.com 0 Like Spam post or abuse? Please let us know
31 Jan 2008 11:52 AM by Gillespie in Costa Calida Area. 608 posts Send private message > ----- A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night & have > dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl > announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out & make love > for the first time. > > * * * * * * * * * > > Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he > takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the > pharmacist it's his first time & the pharmacist helps the boy for > about an hour. > > He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. > > * * * * * * * * * > > At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd > like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family > pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all. > > * * * * * * * * * > > That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house & meets his > girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my > parents, come on in!" > > * * * * * * * * * > > The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table where the girl's > parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows his > head. > > * * * * * * * * * > > A minute passes, & the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head > down. > > * * * * * * * * * > > 10 minutes pass, & still no movement from the boy. > > * * * * * * * * * > > Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans > over & whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." > > * * * * * * * * > > The boy turns, & whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a > pharmacist." _______________________ Business advice and consultancy - Visit www.calidain2business.com Calida in2 Business - Spanish Property Clearance. www.spanishpropertyclearance.com 0 Like Spam post or abuse? Please let us know
31 Jan 2008 1:53 PM by Sonia El in Wales / Carvajal, F.... 212 posts Send private message Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side. "When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. "I told her, "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem." Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. "Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that. Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. "I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack. "Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your ****** attitude, you never will. 0 Like Spam post or abuse? Please let us know
31 Jan 2008 3:13 PM by morerosado . 6927 posts Send private message A mate of mine is trying to sell his bed he recently purchased since he's moving to Italy. He ordered it over the Internet. It was a bit of an impulse buy. Now that it's arrived, he realises that it's a bit too big for his bedroom and doesn't go with any of his other furniture. He can't send it back because it was made to order. The bed frame is 100% hand carved and imported from India. The mattress is orthopaedic, brand new, and hasn't been slept on. Don't know if you know of anyone who might be interested. If so, let me know as he'd like to sell it ASAP. He hasn't named a price yet but it will be a bargain. Anyway, have a look at the attached picture and let me know. Many thanks! PS. I've already put a bid in This message was last edited by morerosado on 1/31/2008. _______________________ 0 Like Spam post or abuse? Please let us know
01 Feb 2008 12:07 AM by morerosado . 6927 posts Send private message INEXPERIENCED CURRY TASTER Notes from An Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Phoenix, Durban from the U.S. "Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: Curry 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. FRANK: Holy sht, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy. Curry 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Curry 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the BUM curry JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sht-faced from all the beer. Curry 4: Barbu's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. btch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac? Curry 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I frted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really psses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them! Curry 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames going straight to my arse. I sht myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slt Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! Curry 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a fking thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sht to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. F*k it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my arse. Curry 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry,safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence . JUDGE TWO This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry? FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge 3 was unable to report) _______________________ 0 Like Spam post or abuse? Please let us know*
01 Feb 2008 12:35 PM by EyeSore Observer . 10 posts Send private message Brilliant More !!!!!! Haven't laughed out loud so much in ages - Can't stop the tears running down my face !!!! 0 Like Spam post or abuse? Please let us know
01 Feb 2008 1:20 PM by morerosado . 6927 posts Send private message Very much like the Asda Lamb Balti OH & I tried for the first time last week. We love VERY HOT, SPICY foods. We decided we'd buy the lamb balti (with the two small nans) for £2.68 each as it said "hot" on packaging. I took one mouthful & though **** Boy, it was FIERCE !! OH ate about 3/4 of mine after polishing his off. Did HE suffer later though ! Anyway we have, in the fridge, Asda's chicken tandoori balti one now, which has "medium" on its packaging. Ideal for weekends when you can't be fussed to cook. Pop the balti in its deep bowl into the microwave & the nans into the toaster & it's a quick meal. (Ensure the antacids are handy though in case it surprises you. _______________________ 0 Like Spam post or abuse? Please let us know
02 Feb 2008 10:39 AM by Marksfish in Vera, Almeria. 2624 posts Send private message When a woman wears a leather dress: A man's heart beats quicker, and his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally. Ever wonder why? > > > > > > > > > > Because she smells like a new Car. This message was last edited by Marksfish on 2/2/2008. 0 Like Spam post or abuse? Please let us know
02 Feb 2008 1:08 PM by Candyfloss in Cardiff / Mar Menor. 1605 posts Send private message Good one Mark While we're on the subject............................ It finally all makes sense......... I never looked at it this way before. MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause, GUYnocologists and when we have real problems it's a HISterectomy! Ever notice how women's problems start with f****g MEN? 0 Like Spam post or abuse? Please let us know*
02 Feb 2008 1:17 PM by morerosado . 6927 posts Send private message No comments on mine then ? 31 Jan 2008 3:13 PM _______________________ 0 Like Spam post or abuse? Please let us know
06 Feb 2008 9:26 PM by FibbyUK in UK, Surrey & Playa F.... 2349 posts Send private message This is not a joke, it really happened, but I found it so sweet I had to share it with you all. My Grandson (5) stayed last weekend. Saturday morning sitting at the table having breakfast, Ben said "Nanny, my cats having babies" I said "actually, your cat is having kittens, not babies" He said "well my boy cat is having kittens Nanny" I replied "No, boy cats can't have kittens Ben, only girl cats can" "But he has got balls Nanny" he said. I explained that he keeps his seeds in there, but can't have kittens himself. I said that they are like flower seeds that you plant in the garden. "Well", said Ben, "I've got balls too so I can plant some seeds in the garden to have babies, can't I Nanny" I told him it wasn't quite like that and asked whether he wanted strawberry or raspberry jam on his toast! Phew, subject changed pretty damn quick! Sex lessons I leave to the parents!!! _______________________ FibbyUK One off fee to pay your own La Renta tax (210 Form) Check out my website: http://www.payingtaxesinspain210form.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/ 0 Like Spam post or abuse? Please let us know
07 Feb 2008 3:41 PM by sandra in . 812 posts Send private message MMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!! That reminds me. Toast and jam, I must go and have some! _______________________ 0 Like Spam post or abuse? Please let us know
07 Feb 2008 6:32 PM by FibbyUK in UK, Surrey & Playa F.... 2349 posts Send private message You got me going now Sandra! Might have to have egg with mine though, pigged out with my Daughter lunchtime, so no dinner for me tonight! _______________________ FibbyUK One off fee to pay your own La Renta tax (210 Form) Check out my website: http://www.payingtaxesinspain210form.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/ 0 Like Spam post or abuse? Please let us know
07 Feb 2008 10:10 PM by morerosado . 6927 posts Send private message *Wrong Email Address...* A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong E-mail address: A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her E-mail address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston .. a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her E-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Date: Friday, October 13, 2005 Subject: I have arrived! Dearest Love: I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send E-mail to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. PS . It sure is freakin' hot down here! _______________________ 0 Like Spam post or abuse? Please let us know

Pages: Previous | ... | 42 | 43 | 44 | 45 | 46 | 47 | 48 | 49 | 50 | 51 | 52 | ... | Next |

This thread is currently locked.

Latest blog posts
Where are all the Brits going?
The Radio One Christmas Number One and “The Fat One” on Channel One
Christmas Markets You Must Visit in Spain
National and Local Holidays in Spain for 2025
Wishing you a Sweet Christmas!
Hidden for a 1000 Years

Latest EOS articles
An Introduction to the world of olive oil
Record Breaking Year in Tenerife
Massive 24% increase in Spanish property sales in May
2016 forecasts see prices rise 3.8% and sales up by 10%
Demand forecast to expand by 12% in 2016
Spanish Property Market Update: March 2016

Previous Threads

Wages - 1 posts

Warning! I do not recommend Ocean Estates - 100 posts

Information on La Marina Urbanisation - 3 posts

Want to sell your property! - 0 posts

JUSTIN ALDRIDGE - EOS MEET UPS - 11 posts

Mother & toddler groups - 2 posts

Police Warning - 2 posts

Deposit contract - 12 posts

New Photos - 18 posts

beach property in murcia - 12 posts

Chiropractor needed - 13 posts

When the plans changed (Brisas Del Mar) - 0 posts

Mimosa Beach Gardens - 27 posts

** EDITED ** - 2 posts

Anyone from Staffordshire or Cheshire? - 1 posts

Mijas area, Costa Del Sol - 3 posts

Renting out - 1 posts

Spanish Mortgages - high set up costs? - 5 posts

Spanish Wills - 4 posts

Interesting website.. Professional pilots chatting to each other. - 13 posts

security grills - 11 posts

water boilers - 12 posts

Easyjet £5 extra APD Tax - 40 posts

EURO RATE - 15 posts

Compleaños Feliz Justin - 6 posts

Number of posts in this thread: 1395

DISCLAIMER: All opinions posted on these message boards are the opinion solely of the poster and do not necessarily reflect the opinion of Eye on Spain, its servants or agents.

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | 40 | 41 | 42 | 43 | 44 | 45 | 46 | 47 | 48 | 49 | 50 | 51 | 52 | 53 | 54 | 55 | 56 | 57 | 58 | 59 | 60 | 61 | 62 | 63 | 64 | 65 | 66 | 67 | 68 | 69 | 70 |