INEXPERIENCED CURRY TASTER
Notes from An Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting
Phoenix, Durban from the U.S. "Recently I was honoured to be selected as a
judge at a curry cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when
the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local
Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told
me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Curry 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
Curry 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno
tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not
sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.
Curry 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the BUM curry
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs
more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red
peppers.
FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
sh*t-faced from all the beer.
Curry 4: Barbu's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds?
Savathree, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that
300 lb. b*tch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating.
Is curry an aphrodisiac?
Curry 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.
I f*rted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage.
Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from
a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really p*sses me off
that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them!
Curry 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good
balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames going straight to my arse. I sh*t
myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one
seems inclined to stand behind me except that sl*t
Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Curry 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on
canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw
in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am
worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a f**king thing. I've lost the sight in one
eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava-like sh*t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing, it's too painful. F**k it, I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my
arse.
Curry 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
curry,safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence
.
JUDGE TWO This final entry is a good, balanced
curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost
when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry
pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?
FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge 3 was unable
to report)