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I need to beg forgiveness in advance for a word in this joke - I have to say that it is quite a visual joke and if you can get the voice right it is infinitely better still but I think its worth the risk of using the word - if a Moderator thinks its out of order then I wont be offended if its knocked off!
Two deaf guys go into a pub. One of them goes to the bar and orders two pints. The barman pours them and says that will be £20 please. The deaf guy says "Twenty pounds - cor thats dear" Barman replies thats because we have live music tonight. So the deaf guy says "Thats nice is it Rock and Roll", barman replies "No" the deaf guy says "Is it pop" the barman replies no the deaf guy says "Is it jazz" barman says "no". "Well what is it then" says the deaf guy. "Its Country and Western" replies the barman. "OOOH thats nice" says the deaf guy.
He goes back over to the table where his mate is sitting and gives him his pint. "How much were the drinks then" says number 2. "£20 comes the reply". Twenty pounds - cor thats dear" So his mate replies thats because they have live music tonight. So number 2 deaf guy says "Thats nice, is it Rock and Roll". "No" replies his mate
"Is it pop" "No" replies his mate.
"Is it jazz" "No" replies his mate
"Well what is it then"
And his mate replies "Its some C?¿t from Preston"
_______________________
Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com www.marbellamortgages.com www.comparetravelcash.co.uk
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It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife
are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes
about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.
After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he
would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would
prefer it if we called her Heather.
Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:
I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in
the river
_______________________
Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com www.marbellamortgages.com www.comparetravelcash.co.uk
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...and then there's the story of the tourist who walked into a Brighton
curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very
life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so
striking that he decided to have it anyway. So he took it to the owner and
said: "How much is this bronze rat?"
The owner replied: "It is £12 for the rat and £100 for the story."
The tourist gave the man his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, you can
keep the story."
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had
crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little
disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster but within a couple of
blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds and they were all squealing &
screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed and ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he
looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they
were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran to the edge of
the sea and threw the bronze rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the
millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: "Ah,
you've come back for the story then!"
"No," said the tourist - "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim
fundamentalist cleric and anything French."
_______________________
Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com www.marbellamortgages.com www.comparetravelcash.co.uk
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1. What do you call a chav in a box?
> >-Innit.
>2. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
> >-Sorted
>3. What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it?
> >-Safe.
>4. Why are Chavs like slinkies?
> >-They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of
>stairs.
>5. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?
> >-The bride.
>6. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not
>to hit him?
> >-It might be your bike.
>7. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
> >-One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
>8. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?
> >-What you lookin' at?"
>9. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?
> >-The police
>10. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's?
> >-A liar.
>11. What do you say to a chav with a job?
> >-Can I have a big mac please
>12. What do you say to a chav in a suit?
> >-Will the defendant please stand
>13. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame?
> >-A Nova seats 4
>14. What do you call a 30 year old chavette?
> >-Granny.
>15. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb?
> >-One, they'll screw anything.
>16. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river?
> >-A start.
>17. What do you call a Chav at college?
> >-The cleaner.
>18. A bus full of Chavs were driving through Wales. As they were
>approaching
>Llanfgogogferrinfourasoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of
>the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
>As
>they stood at the counter, one Chav asked the blonde employee, "Before we
>order, could you settle an argument for us?
>Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The blonde girl
>leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."
>
> _____
_______________________
Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com www.marbellamortgages.com www.comparetravelcash.co.uk
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Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
>>> >
>>> > smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a
>>> >
>>> > condom,cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues
>>> >
>>> > smoking.
>>> >
>>> > Maude: What in the hell is that?
>>> >
>>> > Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
>>> >
>>> > Maude: Where did you get it?
>>> >
>>> > Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
>>> >
>>> > The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
>>> >
>>> > announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
>>> >
>>> > The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of
>>> >
>>> > strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very
>>> >
>>> > delicately
>>>asks what brand of condom she prefers.
>>> >
>>> > "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.."
>>> >
>>> > The pharmacist fainted.
>>>
>>
_______________________
Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com www.marbellamortgages.com www.comparetravelcash.co.uk
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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the church vicar came to call on her and she showed him into
her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated, of all things, a condom.
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The
pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no
longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about
this?"pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through
the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the
ground.The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that
it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the
flu all winter !"
_______________________
Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com www.marbellamortgages.com www.comparetravelcash.co.uk
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>>A blind joker finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
>>
>>
>>
>>After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud
>>voice,
>>"Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"
>>
>>
>>
>>The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.
>>
>>
>>
>>In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell
that
>>joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you
>>should know these five things:
>>
>>
>>
>>One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
>>
>>Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
>>
>>Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
boxer.
>>
>>Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional
wrestler.
>>
>>Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt
in
>>karate, and have PMS!
>>
>>
>>
>>Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that
>>joke?"
>>
>>
>>
>>The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says: "Nah.
>>
>>Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
>>
_______________________
Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com www.marbellamortgages.com www.comparetravelcash.co.uk
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female.... Any part under a car's hood.
Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female.... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male.... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male.... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male.... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 . REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND….
He said…. ; I don't know why you wear a bra ; you've got nothing to put in it
She said.... You wear pants don't you?
He said.... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said.... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said.... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said.... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said.... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said.... We don't know; it has never happened.
He said.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said.... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH
AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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Subject: FW: Gay Dad.....
BILLY'S GAY DANCER DAD
Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."
______________________________________________________________________
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I have this beautiful Black Labrador Retriever. One day I was at
Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog food for him. While waiting in line at the
check-out, this woman behind me noticed the bag and asked me if I had a dog.
On impulse I answered her no, that I was going back on the Purina diet.
(I can't help myself, but sometimes I have no patience for inane conversations and
questions!) I told her that even though the last time I did this I
ended up in the intensive care unit it was worth the risk because the
diet was so effective; I had easily lost 50 lbs.
She asked me for more information about the diet. I told her that it
was a great diet, that the Purina was nutritionally balanced. All you
do is load your pockets with it and every time you feel hungry you
just nibble a few nuggets. The pounds just melt away.
She commented that if it was such a great diet why did I end up in
intensive care. Was I poisoned by something in the dog food?
I told her no, the dog food was perfectly safe, but I got hit by a car
while I was sitting in the street licking my balls!
She didn't ask any other questions.
_______________________
Jan
www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk
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Maud and Claude are both 91.
They met at the OAPs club meeting and discovered over time that they
enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for
dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening.
They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they
ended at his place for an after-dinner drink.
Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor,Maude
soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each
was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....
Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been
gentler."
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have
taken off my tights. 
_______________________
Jan
www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
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Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
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"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
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Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
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So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"
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So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
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"So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said
'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said
You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said
You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.
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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me
a
lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
"Does this taste funny to you?"
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said
'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."
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A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "
The man replied "I know I've been ill"
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A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several
places"
The doctor said "well don't go to those places"
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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
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I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the
next 2 years.
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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of
them
would have seen it.
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Phone answering machine message -
"...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.
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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
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I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft,
it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"
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Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
_______________________
Jan
www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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