| The Comments |
>>The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support
>>Agency forms in the section for listing father's details.These are genuine
>>excerpts from the forms. Be sure you check numbers 6 + 11, they take the
>>prize!
>>
>>1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered
>>by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B,
>>but I
>>believe that he was conceived on the same night.
>>
>>2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
>>sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide
>>you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this
>>helps.
>>
>>3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
>>conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a
>>man I met
>>that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you
>>do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number?
>>Thanks.
>>
>>4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW
>>that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps
>>you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it
>>replaced.
>>
>>5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
>>confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ
>>risen again.
>>
>>6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do
>>so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for
>>the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the
>>country. Please advise.
>>
>>7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the
>>same to me. I can confirm he was a Royal Green Jacket.
>>
>>8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can
>>you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
>>
>>9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney;
>>maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
>>
>>10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
>>sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If
>>I'd stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146
>>Miller
>>Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
>>
>>11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all
>>when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
>>
>
_______________________
Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com www.marbellamortgages.com www.comparetravelcash.co.uk
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>>A charming tale.....
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>A young Glasgow lad moved to London and went to Harrods
>>Looking for a job.
>>
>>Do you have any sales experience?" asked the manager.
>>
>>The famous Barras mate?", nodded the young weegie.
>>The manager liked the lad, so he gave him the job.
>>The young Scot's first day was challenging and busy, but he
>>Got through it.
>>
>>After the Store was locked up, the manager came down to see
>>How he was settling in.
>>
>>So... How many sales did you make today?", he smiled at the
>>Boy.
>>
>>The weegie said: "Jist the wan."
>>The manager was immediately disappointed. "What? Just one?
>>Harrods'
>>Sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day!
>>
>>Dear me! Oh well, how much was the sale for anyway?"
>>
>>£101,237.64" said the lad.
>>
>>The Harrods manager choked. "Blimey... One hundred and one
>>Thousand, two hundred and thirty-seven pounds and sixty four pence!
>>
>>What in hell did you sell him?"
>>
>>"Well, first ah selt him a wee fish hook, then a medium fish
>>Hook, and then ah selt him a new fishing rod. Then ah asked him where
>>He was gaun' fishing, and he said doon the coast, so ah telt
>>Him he would need a boat.
>>
>>We went doon tae the boat department and ah selt him that
>>Twin-engined powerCat... Then he said he didn't think his wee Honda Civic
>>Could upll it, so ah took him down to car sales and ah selt him a
>>Toty 4x4 Suzuki......."
>>
>>
>>The manager was now incredulous. "Wait a minute. You mean to
>>Tell me a man came in here to buy a small fish hook but you sold him a
>>Boat AND a four-by-four ... "
>>
>>Naw naw, big man... He came in tae buy a box of tampons fur
>>'is missus and ah said.........
>> >> > >> >
>> >> > >> >
>> >> > >> >
>> >> > >> >
>> >> > >> >
>> >> > >> >
>> >> > >> >
>> >> > >>
>> >> >
>> >> > >> >"Well pal, seein' as how yer weekend's f**ked, ye might as
>> >>well go fishing..."'
>> >> > >> >
_______________________
Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com www.marbellamortgages.com www.comparetravelcash.co.uk
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> It's an old one, but classic...
>
>> HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
>>
>> Take off clothes and place in a laundry hamper,according to whites and
>> coloureds.
>> Walk to bathroom,wearing long dressing gown.
>> If you see husband on the way,cover up any exposed areas.
>> Look at your womanly physique in the mirror-make mental note to do
>> more sit-ups.
>> Get in shower.
>> Use face cloth, arm cloth,leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
>> pumice stone.
>> Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
>> Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.
>> Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural
>> avocado oil.
>> Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
>> Wash face with crushed apricot facial,scrub for 10 minutes until red.
>> Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
>> Shave armpits and legs.
>> Turn off shower.
>> Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with jif.
>> Get out of shower.
>> Dry with towel the size of a small country.
>> Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
>> Check entire body for spots,tweeze hairs.
>> Return back to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and head towel.
>> If you see husband on the way, cover any exposed areas.
>>
>>
>> HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
>> Take off clothing whilst sitting on edge of bed,leave in a pile.
>> Walk naked to bathroom.If you see wife on the way,shake knob at her
>> making woo-hoo sound.
>> Look at manly physique in mirror.
>> Admire size of knob and scratch your arse.
>> Get in the shower.
>> Wash your face.
>> Wash your armpits.
>> Blow your nose into your hands and let water rinse them off.
>> Make fart noises, laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
>> Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
>> Wash your butt leaving those coarse hairs stuck on the soap.
>> Shampoo hair.
>> Make shampoo Mohawk.
>> Pee.
>> Rinse off and get out of shower.
>> Partially dry off, fail to notice water on the floor.
>> Admire knob size in the mirror again.
>> Leave shower door open,wet mat on floor,light and fan on.
>> Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
>> If you pass wife pull off towel, shake knob at her and make woo-hoo
>> noises again.
>> Throw wet towel on bed.
_______________________
Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com www.marbellamortgages.com www.comparetravelcash.co.uk
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OH SUCH SWEET REVENGE!
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best Dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked the new wife to exchange it, but she refused."Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it!", she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, " Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping and her mother did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, " Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, " Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding! "
ALL YOU WOMEN OUT THERE; IS THERE ONE OF YOU, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY.
_______________________
Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com www.marbellamortgages.com www.comparetravelcash.co.uk
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For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd buy you one, but the mortgage on this house is £180,000 & your mother just lost her job. “There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him; "I was walking past your room last night & heard you telling mum you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an £180,000 mortgage & no bloody bike!"
_______________________
Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com www.marbellamortgages.com www.comparetravelcash.co.uk
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Peter goes to the Council to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the armed services?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward
employment."
He then asks
"Are you disabled in any way?"
Peter says "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my
testicles off."
The interviewer tells Peter "OK. I can hire you right now. The hours are
from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00AM."
Peter is puzzled and askes, "If the hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM
then
why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM? "
"This is a Council job," the interviewer replies. "For the first two
hours
we sit around scratching our balls......."
_______________________
Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com www.marbellamortgages.com www.comparetravelcash.co.uk
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>>
>>A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
>>program.
>>
>>
>>
>>The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before
>>him a
>>voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a
>>pair of
>>Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
>>
>>
>>She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
>>company.
>>
>>
>>
>>The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."
>>
>>
>>
>>Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles
>>later,
>>huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with
>>her.
>>
>>
>>The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing
>>happens.
>>
>>On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has
>>lost
>>10 lb. as promised.
>>
>>
>>
>>He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
>>
>>
>>
>>The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
>>stunning, woman he has ever seen in his life.
>>
>>
>>
>>She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around
>>he
>>neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."
>>
>>
>>Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!
>>
>>
>>
>>This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch
>>her;
>>but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and
>>wheeze,
>>so for the next four days, the same routine happens.
>>
>>Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to
>>discover
>>that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.
>>
>>
>>
>>He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
>>7-day/50
>>pound program.
>>
>>
>>
>>"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone - "This is our
>>most
>>rigorous program."
>>
>>
>>
>>"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
>>
>>
>>
>>The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he
>>finds
>>this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but
>>pink
>>running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "I'm Francis.
>>If I
>>catch you, you're mine..."
>>
_______________________
Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com www.marbellamortgages.com www.comparetravelcash.co.uk
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Some old ones on this - also some new ones!
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite
tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of
another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by
having a poo before the film starts.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along
with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking
red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to
remove the stains.
SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of
their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the
CVs into the bin.
MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save
your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself
by Royal Mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
very small horse is approaching.
BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by
not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your
horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and
send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think
you are listening to the sea.
JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in
your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and
occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the
egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly
60mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the
pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend
in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
Sci-Fi fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed
BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying them in the first place, you fat gits.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.
Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow you on a moped carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take the blame.
MOBILE phone users. On trains always choose a seat in the last carriage. Then, when a train enters a tunnel, run as fast as you can towards the front of the train. This will ensure that you are in the tunnel for the shortest possible time and are less likely to miss that all-important call.
BOILED EGGS cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make ideal miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs.
SHOPPERS When buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed
GRATED cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating.
This message was last edited by jfj on 1/31/2007.
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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I hope that's better Janice. I had just copied and pasted it from an email I received and didn't think to make the font bigger.
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loved the one about the shower Smiley!
>>>>"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose
>>>>woman."
>>>>
>>>>The priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?"
>>>>
>>>>"Yes, Father, it is."
>>>>
>>>>"And, who was the woman you were with?"
>>>>
>>>>"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her
>>>>reputation."
>>>>
>>>>"Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as
>>>>well tell
>>>>me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
>>>>
>>>>"I cannot say," Timmy replied.
>>>>
>>>>"Was it Patricia
>>>>Kelly?"
>>>>
>>>>"I'll never tell."
>>>>
>>>>"Was it Sheilah O'Brien?"
>>>>
>>>>"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
>>>>
>>>>"Was it Kathleen Morgan?"
>>>>
>>>>"My lips are sealed."
>>>>
>>>>"Was it Fiona Grogan, then?"
>>>>
>>>>"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
>>>>
>>>>The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Timmy
>>>>Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must
>>>>atone.
>>>>You cannot attend church Mass for three months. Be off with you
>>>>now."
>>>>
>>>>Timmy walks back to his pew. His friend, Sean, slides over and
>>>>whispers,
>>>>"What'd you get?"
>>>>
>>>>"Three month's vacation and five good leads."
_______________________
Jan
www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk
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CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles,doors or cabinet and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no text messaging, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We played with worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,
made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
PS -The big type is because your eyes are shot at your age!
_______________________
Jan
www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk
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Wrong side of the bed!
Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes.
As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies."
The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with
you."
But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other,
"I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning." This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.
A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the
Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them
with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today."
"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."
But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of
the wrong side of bed today." Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken
harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.
Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching,
step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."
"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."
Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me."
Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face.
"Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."
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A normal 40 something, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to
> take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to
> have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on
> an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and
> coconuts.
> After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
> gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he
> asks, "Where did you come from?
> How did you get here?"
> She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when
> my cruise ship sank."
> "Amazing," he said. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with
> you."
> "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I
> found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove
> the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus
> tree."
> "But, where did you get the tools?"
> "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the
> island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I
> fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I
> used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
> The guy is stunned.
> "Let's row over to my place," she says.
> After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the
> man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk
> leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman
> ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare
> ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's
> not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
> "No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop
> of coconut juice."
> "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you
> like a Pina Colada?"
> Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts and they sit down on
> her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman
> announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you
> like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom
> cabinet."
> No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in
> the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to
> a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
> "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
> When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically
> positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit
> down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to
> him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's
> something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've
> been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.
> He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean and he swallows excitedly and
> tears start to form in his eyes.
> "Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports"
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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BETTING !!!!!!!!
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!).The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came about getting this money. He asked,"How did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets? The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged him, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand." This message was last edited by KC60 on 2/2/2007.
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Kevin & Corinne,
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DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
And finally.....
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrualcycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
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Kevin & Corinne,
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A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not
take her
eyes
off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and
walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you
want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $ 20.00...... on one
condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied,
You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly
removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's
hand along
with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and
meaningfully said....
"Clean my house."
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Quite frankly m'dear, I don't give a damn!
www.herbalmarbella.com
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Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
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Quite frankly m'dear, I don't give a damn!
www.herbalmarbella.com
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