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Here's my twopenneth for today............................
Sorry but this one is quite funny, honest!
I have a big dog & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind
her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.
I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??
_______________________
FibbyUK
One off fee to pay your own La Renta tax (210 Form)
Check out my website:
http://www.payingtaxesinspain210form.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
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Three men in a sauna........an Amercian an English man and an Irish Man.
Suddenly there is a beeping noise...........
The Amercian lifts his arm "must be my pager, i have a microchip in my arm"
A few minutes later there is more beeping, the English man puts his hand to his ear,
"must be my mobile, i have a micro chip in my hand"
Feeling a bit low tech the Irishman goes to the toilet and comes back with some toilet roll hanging
from his bottom
"Oh jaysus" he says " i must be getting a fax"
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What do you call a monkey in a mind field.
A BA-BOOM.
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I think the best joke of all is just one word. MASA
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Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty quid " she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its only twenty quid.
So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," Paddy answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," Paddy says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face.
_______________________
Regards
John
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This message was last edited by Pitby on 6/22/2007.
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Guy goes to hospital with 60% burns. Doc sas to the nurse 'give him viagra'
Nurse says to doctor ' Will that cure him?'
Doc say 'No, but it will keep the sheets off his legs'
_______________________
Regards
John
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Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying Mike visits him every day. On one of the visits Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played Sunday football together for many years. Please do me a favour. When you get to Heaven, you must let me know if there's football up there."
Joe looks up from his death bed and says, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible I'll do this for you".
Shortly after that, Joe passed on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out
"Mike, Mike." The voice cried.
"Who is it?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly.
The voice said "It's me, it's Joe."
"You can't be Joe, he just died."
"I'm telling you the truth, it's me Joe," insists the voice.
Mike said, "Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Mike.
"The good news," Joe said, "is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want and never get tired."
"Blimey," said Mike. "That's beyond my wildest dreams! But what's the bad news?
"You're playing on Tuesday."
Have a good day.
_______________________
 STOP CYBER-BULLYING
 AND PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH
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A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her
two
kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children
you've got there. Are they twins?"
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl "Of course they
bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the
hell
would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike,
you d*ckhead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone
would
shag you twice!"
_______________________
Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com www.marbellamortgages.com www.comparetravelcash.co.uk
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In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach and other green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream, sweet sugary sauces and Magnums.
And Satan said, "You want hot fudge with that?
And Man said, "Yes!" And Woman said, "I'll have one too; with chocolate chips".
And lo, they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yoghurt so that Woman might keep the slender figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, sugar from the cane and cream and butter from the milk and combined them.
And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad".
And Satan presented blue cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them".
And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped
lobster chunks, chicken nuggets and fried steak, so big it needed its own platter.
And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into
chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of
salt and rich tomato ketchup
And Man put on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes and bicycles and tread-mills so that his children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan came forth with beer in cans and a cable TV with remote control
so Man would not have to move or toil while changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God brought forth lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories
and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger.
Then Satan said, "You want fries with that?" and Man replied, "Yes, and super size 'em and gimme baked beans on the side. And I'll have a triple thick milk shake and a large apple pie."
And Satan said, "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed. And created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
_______________________
Jan
www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk
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A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise."
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
You're going to love this..................
You're going to hate yourself for loving this!
"Ah! So solly," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!" 
_______________________
Jan
www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk
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A gentleman asked his waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive
woman.
The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said;
- "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine cooly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the him.
The waiter, lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
- "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman It read:
- "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my garages, beautiful homes in California, Aspen Colorado and Miami. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. However, not even for a woman as beautiful as yourself would I cut three inches off!! Just send the bottle back."
_______________________
Regards
John
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A gentleman asked his waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive
woman.
The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said;
- "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine cooly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the him.
The waiter, lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
- "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman It read:
- "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my garages, beautiful homes in California, Aspen Colorado and Miami. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. However, not even for a woman as beautiful as yourself would I cut three inches off!! Just send the bottle back."
_______________________
Regards
John
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