JOKES PLEASE .. IN HERE

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25 Apr 2007 5:13 AM by Pitby Star rating in Andalucía. 1904 posts Send private message

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Say cheese!!!




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25 Apr 2007 3:17 PM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by eric on 5/29/2007.

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25 Apr 2007 3:31 PM by Fruit Star rating in Costa Calidia - Murc.... 74 posts Send private message

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A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales.  So he put up a sign that read,

"Free Sex with Fill-Up."

 

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. 

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.

 

The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said,

"You were close. The number was 7.

Sorry. No sex this time."

 

A week later, the same redneck,

along with a buddy, Bubba,

 

pulled in for another fill-up.

Again he asked for his free sex.

 

The proprietor again gave him the same story,

and asked him to guess the correct number.

 

The redneck guessed 2 this time.

The proprietor said,

"Sorry, it was 3.

You were close, but no free sex this time."

 

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy,

"I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

 

Bubba replied,

"No it ain't, Billy Ray.

It ain't rigged.

 My wife won twice last week."


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Fruit.....



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25 Apr 2007 3:33 PM by Fruit Star rating in Costa Calidia - Murc.... 74 posts Send private message

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An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.

She said:  "I want to keep my house."

He said:    "That's fine with me."

She said:   "And I want to keep my Cadillac."

He said:     "That's fine with me."

She said:    "And I want to have sex 6 times a week."

He said:      "That's fine with me.... Put me down for Friday."


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Fruit.....



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25 Apr 2007 3:35 PM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by eric on 5/29/2007.

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25 Apr 2007 3:38 PM by Fruit Star rating in Costa Calidia - Murc.... 74 posts Send private message

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And who said the yanks were slow!
 
 
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)

 
 
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

 
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

 
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the

engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

 
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

 
You're going to love this......

 
 
Rolls Royce responded with the following one-line memo:
 
 
 
 
 Defrost the chicken." 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 



This message was last edited by Fruit on 4/25/2007.

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Fruit.....



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25 Apr 2007 3:44 PM by Fruit Star rating in Costa Calidia - Murc.... 74 posts Send private message

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  >>LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
  >>Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he
needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to
take a piss!!" The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the
proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to
use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence
correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little RALPHY, thinks for a
bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits,
you'd be a TEN!"
>>
  >>A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence
and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"     She calls on
little Ralphy. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the
first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but  I
like your thinking." Then little RALPHY says, "I have a question  for
YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One  is
delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.  The
second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third  is
biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The
teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little
RALPHY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding  ring
on," but I like your thinking."

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25 Apr 2007 3:46 PM by Fruit Star rating in Costa Calidia - Murc.... 74 posts Send private message

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Medical Distinction
> >
> > We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
> > know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
> > definition for each is listed below...
> >
> > GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
> > by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
> > cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
> >
> > BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
> > perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
> > and having the balls to say: "You're next."
> >
> > I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
> > speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately
> > result in death.

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Fruit.....



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25 Apr 2007 3:54 PM by Fruit Star rating in Costa Calidia - Murc.... 74 posts Send private message

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 Hope I've got rid of the big waste of space will try add this again later...ta very much, need more lessons..
















 







This message was last edited by Fruit on 4/25/2007.

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25 Apr 2007 4:01 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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25 Apr 2007 4:59 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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25 Apr 2007 7:03 PM by Pitby Star rating in Andalucía. 1904 posts Send private message

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The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the
undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his
tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger
turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, all right!"

The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another
five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks
the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs
the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!"

The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another
five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in
front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it
with you, anyway?"

The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get
the taste out of my mouth!"



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25 Apr 2007 7:19 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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25 Apr 2007 9:17 PM by kez74 Star rating in cheshire. 50 posts Send private message

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Paddy was driving home p****d as a newt, suddenly he had to swerve to  avoid a tree then another and another. A cop pulls hin over as paddy swerves all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road...the cop says " for f*** sake paddy thats your air freshner"




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25 Apr 2007 9:23 PM by kez74 Star rating in cheshire. 50 posts Send private message

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Husband admiring his naked body in the mirror says to his wife            

"look at that, 12 stone of pure dyanmite"

Wife replys

"bloody shame about the 2 inch fuse" !!




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26 Apr 2007 12:07 AM by andyp Star rating in St.Helens, Merseysid.... 3 posts Send private message

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Nun Chucks Oops !!

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26 Apr 2007 2:13 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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26 Apr 2007 4:27 PM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by eric on 5/29/2007.

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26 Apr 2007 4:29 PM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by eric on 5/29/2007.

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26 Apr 2007 4:33 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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