JOKES PLEASE .. IN HERE

Tyrills

You bad monkey, tell roberto it is the scouse sense of humour.  This is just for you.................................

I'm more than familiar with the Scouse sense of humour, the Better Half is Anfield born & bred. But since she's barely 5 foot tall herself, and since the whole world has gone PC mad, I thought just to be on the safe side............so.................why did the Mexican throw his wife off a cliff?

TE-QUILA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please don't tell me this may offend our Spanish speaking neighbours?

hi roberto,
                 i did think working on the 13th floor was a bit of a give away of course i was pulling your leg
                 thought your joke was very funny.stick it back up lets have another laugh.
                 got to go to work now, got to get the ferry cross the mersey .
                                  

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in
the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out
with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night."
the mailman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This
is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.

We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for
Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that
we started playing WHO AM I?

"The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"!

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom, and we come out one at a time
with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in
the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.

"The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four
or five times....

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.

The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

 The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

 "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if anyone would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.


"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,

" but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"


 You're going to LOVE me for this....


The third piggy says,

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

a woman gets on a bus with her baby,as she pays for her ticket the .
the bus driver says. god dam thats the ugliest baby ive evev seen.ugh
the woman sits down,fuming she says to the man next to her.
the driver just insulted me, the man says, you shouldnt take that you tell
him off , go ahead ,  ill hold your monkey.

Little Jimmy was sitting on the kirb, feet in the road playing with a bottle of acid. A priest was passing by and spotted Jimmy, so he says

whats that you got there jimmy, Jimmy says a bottle of acid Father

Priest says that could be quite dangerous, why dont you swap it for my bottle of holy water.

What can holy water do says jimmy.

This is powerful stuff says the priest says, just last week I poured some on Mrs Brown's tummy and she past a Baby.

Thats f-ck all says jimmey yesterday I poured some of this acid on my dogs bollocks and he passed a sports car.

Little Jimmy was in class when the teacher says Did you know humans are the only animals that stutter?

Thats not true Miss says little Jimmy, I had a cat that stuttered.  Tell me what you mean said the teacher knowing some of these stories could be quite presious.

Last weak I went into the garden with my cat when the Rottweiller from next door got a running start and jumped over our fence landing right by our feet.  it nearly scared the life out of us.

So what happened then says teacher.

My cat's claws shot out, he lifted his back and his fur stood on end.  He went Ffff, Ffff, Ffff, but befor he could say F-ck sake, the Rottweiller killed him.

Hi everyone,

I have just been reading through the jokes you have all submitted and would like to say thank you to one and all for bringing some welcome light relief into my life!

Julia

Hi Jules1

It's nice to share a smile isn't it!

Glad you got some pleasure out of this thread, I don't post here often, just when something I find tickles my fancy!!!

Have a nice day

Regads,

a swiss man looking for directions,pulls up at a bus stop where two brits are waiting
entschuldigung, konnen sie deutsch sprechen? he asks.
the two britsjust stare at him.
excusez-moi , parlez vous francais?the two continue to stare.
parlate italiano? no response.
hablan ustedes espanol? still nothing.
so he has a final try~ tatakalamaani bil arabiyya?
the swiss man drives off, extremely  disgusted.
the first brit turns to the secondand says,you know we should learn a foreign language.
why ?says the other. that guy knew five and it didnt do him any good

Some right groaners

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said,'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU ! I said 'Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said 'No, I've got china in my hand.'

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

My mate has two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

Little Jimmy meets his mate tom at school. Tom says look at the new watch i got.

Jimmy takes a good look and says that fantastick, how did you get it

It was comming up to my birthday says Tom, and I thought if I was really nice to mum and dad they would get me something nice this year.

Yeh says Tom so what did you do, if I do the same thing i might get a watch for my birthday next week

Tom says every morning the week before my birthday I managed to get up early and take mum and dad a cup of tea in bed, and they thought I was really good, so they asked me what I wanted for my birthday.  So thats how I got the watch.

Good idea says Tom, I'm going to do that tomorrow.

The next morning Jimmy manages to gets up early and goes into his parents room with two cups of tea.  As he enters the room he sees his naked dad on top of his naked mum having sex.

His father looks round and says WHAT DO YOU WANT.

Jimmy says I want a watch Dad

Well come in and shut the F-ucking do then.

More Groaners

Man walks into a bar and get knocked out.  It was a metal bar.

Guy walks into a yo-yo shop and says hows buisness mate.  Up & DOWN say the owner.

What's the difinition of spead.   Skid marks outside a Bog.

Whats the difinition of patience.  Standing outside a bog trying to straighten a bent penny.

Whats the difinition of pain.   Sliding down a jiant razor blade useing your balls as breaks.

i love this one!!!!!!