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07 Jan 2009 2:50 AM by djrickyb Star rating in Lanzarote. 25 posts Send private message

djrickyb´s avatar

Dettol IS dangerous!

 

So anyway.. I have these two burn marks on my thigh and I'm in real agony.

I thought to myself "what a pillock!".

Naturally worried that the burn marks would get infected I went to the bathroom and took out the bottle of Dettol we have had in there for the past couple of years (does it go out of date?).

I read the instructions about diluting it but the pain was so great and I'm rather a pretty hearty geezer so I just applied it neat.

 

WHAT THE F...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Two seconds later my right leg threw itself to the right, with no encouragement from me, smashed into the coffee table (which is made from glass) and whipped me around like an Ajax mini tornado!

The pain hit me like a kick in the nuts.

So... I NOW have a broken ankle and whiplash!

 

If you want my advice...

 

DON'T BUY A BLOODY TASER!



_______________________
... and your point is?



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08 Jan 2009 7:58 AM by abbbb1 Star rating in Essex and Ciudad Que.... 306 posts Send private message

abbbb1´s avatar

And now for something juvenile!!!

Kids Are Quick
  
TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA:      Here  it is.
TEACHER:   Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:        Maria.
____________________________________

TEAC  HER:  John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the  floor?

JOHN:          You told me to do it  without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER:   Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:        K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:   No, that's wrong
GLENN:        Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me  how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for  water?
DONALD:      H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:   What are you talking about?
DONALD:      Yesterday you said it's H to  O.
__________________________________

TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have  ten years ago.
WINNIE:      Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:       Well,  I'm a lot closer to the ground than you  are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER:     Millie, give me a sentence starting with  'I.'
MILLIE:           I  is..
TEACHER:     No, Millie..... Always say, 'I  am.'
MILLIE:           All right...   'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'    
_________________________________

TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry  tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his  father didn't punish him?!
LOUIS:      Because George still had the axe in his  hand.   
______________________________________
   
TEACHER:   Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before  eating?
SIMON:       No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good  cook.
______________________________
   
TEACHER:     Clyde , your composition  on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy  his?
CLYDE :      No, sir.  It's the same  dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER:      Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on  talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:        A teacher

__________________________________



_______________________



Home
is where the heart is!




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11 Jan 2009 11:04 AM by abbbb1 Star rating in Essex and Ciudad Que.... 306 posts Send private message

abbbb1´s avatar

SERENITY OR SENILITY

 


Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up 

To the very elderly widow and asked, 
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied. 
'Two years older than me.'
 
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. 
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'


Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 
'And what do you think is the best thing 
About being 104?' the reporter asked.
 
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
 
 


Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'   
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' 
Third one says, 'So am I. Let' s go get a beer.' < /SPAN>


I've sure gotten old!  
 
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, 
New knees, fought
 prostate cancer and diabetes.. 
I'm half blind, 
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, 
Take 40 different medications that 
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. 
Have bouts with dementia. 
Have poor circulation; 
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. 
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. 
Have lost all my friends. 

But, thank God, 
I still have my driver's license.

 

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, 
So I got my doctor's permission to 
Join a fitness club and start exercising. 
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. 
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. 

But, by the time I got my leotards on, 
The class was over.


An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and 
Told her preacher she had two final requests. 
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, 
She wanted her ashes scattered over 
Wal-Mart. 
'
Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 
'Why Wal-Mart?'
 
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'

 

 

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. 
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'  

Slim said, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 
'Really!? Like a newborn baby?'  
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

 

Know how to prevent sagging? 
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. 
It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect.' 
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 
'Twelve thirty', he replied.

 

It's scary when you start making the same noises 
As your coffee maker..

 


An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. 

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for 
A set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%. 
He went back in a month and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. 
Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' 
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. 
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. 
I 've changed my will three times!'


These days about half the stuff 
In my shopping cart says, 
'For fast relief.'

 


THE SENILITY PRAYER :
 
Grant me the senility to forget the people 
I never liked anyway, 
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and 
The eyesight to tell the difference.

 



_______________________



Home
is where the heart is!




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11 Jan 2009 2:14 PM by abbbb1 Star rating in Essex and Ciudad Que.... 306 posts Send private message

abbbb1´s avatar

How the other half lived - yes the over 50's!!!

 
All  the girls had ugly gym  slips




It  took five minutes for the TV to warm  up




Nearly  everyone's Mum was at home when the kids got home from  school


Nobody  owned a thoroughbred  dog


When 3d  was a decent  allowance





You'd  reach into a muddy gutter for a  penny






Your Mother wore nylons that  came in two pieces





All  your male teachers wore ties and female teachers had  their hair done every day and wore high  heels





You  got your windscreen cleaned, oil checked, and petrol served,  without asking, all for free, every time
. And you didn't pay for air. And, you got trading stamps to  boot





Washing Powder had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside  the box






It  was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner  at a real restaurant with your  parents






They  threatened to keep children back a year if they failed. . .  and they did it!





When a Ford Zephyr was everyone's dream car...

and people went  steady





No  one ever asked where the car keys were because they were  always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never  locked





Lying  on your back in the grass with your  friends
and  saying things like, 'That cloud looks like a...  '



Playing cricket  with no adults to help the children with the rules of the  game




Bottles came from the corner shop without safety caps and hermetic seals  because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect  stranger



And with all our progress, don't you wish, just once, you  could slip back in time and savour the slower pace, and share it with the children of  today.





When being sent to the head's study  was nothing
compared to the fate that awaited the student at  home




Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and  grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived  because their love was greater than the  threat.

As well as summers filled with bike rides, cricket, Hula Hoops, skate hockey and visits to the pool, and eating  lemonade powder or liquorice sticks.
Didn't  that feel good, just to go back and say, 'Yes, I remember  that'?





I  am sharing this with you today because it ended with a  Double Dare to pass it on. To remember what a Double Dare is, read on. And remember that the perfect age is  somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care.


Send  this on to someone who can  still remember Mr Pastry, 6.5  Special, The Army  Game , Sunday Night at the  London Palladium, Emergency Ward 10, the Lone Ranger,  Hancock's Half hour, Trigger and Sgt Bilko




How  Many Of These Do You  Remember?


Sweet cigarettes





Coca Cola  in bottles.





You're  never alone with  a Strand.





Coffee  shops with Table Side  Jukeboxes.




Blackjacks  and bubblegums.






Home  milk delivery in glass bottles with tinfoil tops.




Newsreels  before the film.


Telephone  numbers with a word  prefix...( Mayfair 3489).  Party lines.




Peashooters.


Andy  Pandy.




Hi-Fi's  & 45 RPM  records.





78  RPM records!





Green  Shield Stamps.





Adding Machines.




Scalextric.






Do  You  Remember
a Time  When..

Decisions  were made by  going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe'?
'Race  issue' meant arguing  about who ran the fastest?
Catching tiddlers  could happily occupy an entire  day?





It  wasn't odd to have two or  three 'Best  Friends'?





The  worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex  was
'chickenpox'?





Having  a Weapon in School meant being caught with a  catapault?



Saturday  morning television wasn't 30-minute commercials for  action figures?






Spinning  around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause  for giggles?
The Worst  Embarrassment was being  picked last for a team?


War  was a card game?





Cigarette cards  in the spokes transformed any bike into a  motorcycle?




Taking  drugs meant orange - flavored chewable  aspirin?





Water  balloons were the ultimate  weapon?


If  you can remember most or all of these, Then You Have  Lived!!!!!!!



_______________________



Home
is where the heart is!




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11 Jan 2009 3:22 PM by Pitby Star rating in Andalucía. 1904 posts Send private message

Pitby´s avatar

OMG, I remember loads of that!!  I'm not yet fifty, but that brought back memories!!  But I remember always having blackjacks with fruit salads!!!

Great stuff!

Thanks for that - really made me smile!





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11 Jan 2009 3:49 PM by abbbb1 Star rating in Essex and Ciudad Que.... 306 posts Send private message

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Pleased you enjoyed that one!!

When it landed in my inbox this morning I smiled too, and thought that it was one of those ones that was too good not to be shared!

 


 



This message was last edited by abbbb1 on 1/11/2009.

_______________________



Home
is where the heart is!




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12 Jan 2009 6:56 PM by lewjan62 Star rating in West Sussex / Casare.... 134 posts Send private message

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sorry,its corny!!

 

Frozen Cows

>
> A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find his entire herd of cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.
>
> It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen.
>
> The realization of the situation then dawned on him.With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty. Just then, an elderly woman walked by, 'What's the matter?' asked the old lady.
>
> The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.
>
> Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows' noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.

> One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.
>
> She declined his offer and walked off across the field. A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. 'You know who that was don't you?' asked the passer-by.
>
> 'No' said the farmer 'who is she?'
>
>
>
>
> (Wait for it)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 'That was Thora Hird.'
>
>

 



_______________________
Jan   www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk  



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12 Jan 2009 9:45 PM by julie anne Star rating. 1103 posts Send private message

12 Jan 2009 9:45 PM by julie anne Star rating. 1103 posts Send private message

Twigit /Tony /SARC /IWMH !!!!!


 



This message was last edited by julie anne on 1/12/2009.



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13 Jan 2009 1:53 PM by foxbat Star rating in Granada. 1112 posts Send private message

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Nor really a joke but a truism that I couldnt resist...

How do you know when theres an halfwit in the White House...?

Link...



_______________________

http://www.facebook.com/ruido.blanco.773

 




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13 Jan 2009 4:32 PM by steone Star rating in Santiago de la Riber.... 383 posts Send private message

 

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
   
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit  Eve.
'So, how is everything going?' enquired God.
It is all so   beautiful,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights,  everything is wonderful, but I have just one  problem. It is these breasts you have given me.  The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching  them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain,' reported Eve.
And Eve went on  to tell God that since many other parts of her  body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears,  etc.......she felt that having only two breasts  might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced,'  as she put it.
'That is a fair point,' replied God, ' But it was my first shot at  this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but  I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.' And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the  bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the  Garden of Eden. 'Well, Eve, how is my favourite  creation?'
'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight on  your part. You see all the animals are  paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you're right.  How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately  create a man from a part of you.

Now let's see ..... where did I put that useless  tit?'
  
Now doesn't  THAT make more sense than all the crap about the rib? 



_______________________
Stephen



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13 Jan 2009 4:42 PM by alancambs Star rating in Las Kalendas Fortuna. 134 posts Send private message

alancambs´s avatar

 

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is it that the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy … opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
19. Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
21. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea does that mean that one enjoys it?




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13 Jan 2009 6:37 PM by Chrissie1 Star rating in UK. 384 posts Send private message

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Alancambs

We just have to say thanks for your joke.  We are all crying with laughter.  Keep it up.

Christina  and family



_______________________

               
Chrissie   



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13 Jan 2009 9:29 PM by Candyfloss Star rating in Cardiff / Mar Menor. 1605 posts Send private message

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A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modeling naked - return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'..


So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says '**** me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.

His funeral is this Thursday.





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13 Jan 2009 9:35 PM by Candyfloss Star rating in Cardiff / Mar Menor. 1605 posts Send private message

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A RETIREE'S THOUGHT.

My wife said, "Whatcha doin today?"

I said, "Nothing."

She said, "You did that yesterday."

I said, "I
haven't finished."




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13 Jan 2009 10:26 PM by Eva2008 Star rating in Reading. 152 posts Send private message

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Fancy moving to Australia ?
 
DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN IN NEWMAN, WESTERN AUSTRALIA
 
August 31
Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in Newman, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live!  Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.
 
September 13
Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.  What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.
 
September 30th
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me.  Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
 
October 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat?  At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatising  is taking longer than I expected.
 
October 15th
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do!  Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
 
October 20th
Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.  By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.
 
October 25
This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fuckin' blow dryer.  And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fuckin' Perth.
 
October 30th
The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the fuckin' aircon.  Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now.  Bloody $800,000 house and we can't even go inside.  Why the hell did I ever come here?
 
November 4
Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30.Stupid repairman.
 
November 8
If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?', I'm going to fuckin' throttle him. Fuckin' heat!  By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking fuckin' wet and I smell like baked cat!
 
November 9
Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car.  I thought my fuckin' arse was on fire.  I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my fuckin' arse.  Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!
 
November 10
Weather report! It might as well be a fuckin' recording. Hot and sunny.  Hot and sunny, Hot and fuckin' sunny!  It's been too hot to do anything for two fuckin' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.  Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fuckin' place. Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fuckin' pool.  The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the fuckin' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the fuckers!
 
November 20th
Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today.  Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'  My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid fucker.  Fuckin' Newman!  What kind of sick, demented fuckin' idiot would want to live here!
 
December 1
WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are fuckin' kidding!





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16 Jan 2009 4:43 AM by dunmovin Star rating in gorga, alicante. 28 posts Send private message

A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson.  At every turn it's obvious gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda.  Meanwhile gramps is working his way around saying in a controlled voice, 'Easy Albert, we won't be long, easy boy'.

Another outburst and she hears gramps calmly say, 'It's OK Albert, just a couple more minutes, and we'll be outta here, hang in there. At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items from the cart and gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, 'Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't  get upset, we'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert'.

Very impressed the woman goes up to gramps as he's loading the kid and the groceries into the car and says, 'You know sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there.  I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK.  Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa'.

'Thanks, lady,' said gramps, 'but I'm Albert!  The little bastard's name is Trevor'



_______________________
a quote from Mr Ron White; "I am not drunk in pubbblick, I was drun...



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16 Jan 2009 10:41 AM by JC1 Star rating in Manchester and La Du.... 963 posts Send private message

JC1´s avatar

TO REMEMBER TOMMY COOPER OF COURSE
>
>
> I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing
> Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
> -----------------------
> This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full
> of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
> ------------------------
> I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
> She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
> -----------------------
> I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a
> goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I
> said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
> ----------------------------
> I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on
> the packet. 'Best before End'
> ---------------------------
> I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said
> 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
> ------------------------------
> I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a
> kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he
> then?'
> --------------------------
> My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's
> bi-satchel.
> ------------------------
> I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of
> lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
> ---------------------------
> I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't
> remember his name, its P something T something R.
> ----------------------------
> I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I
> couldn't put it down.
> ----------------------------
> I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke
> who answered just went on and on.
> ---------------------------
> The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think
> of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you
> paid me.'
> --------------------------
> I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a
> tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to
> peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the
> custard.'
> ----------------------
> This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece
> of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace
> someone for me.'
> --------------------------
> I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said,
> 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an
> audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
> ----------------------------
> I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can
> I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not
> stopping you!'
> --------------------------------
> This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he
> says 'Audi!'
> --------------------------
> I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said,
> 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I
> went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
> ------------------------------
> I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me
> and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I
> swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been
> promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made
> me managing director and I went right off into a tree.
> The police came and asked me what had happened. I said
> 'I careered off the road'
> ----------------------
> I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny:
> you couldn't swing a cat in there.
> -------------------------
> I was stealing things in the supermarket today while
> balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I
> was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
> ------------------------
> I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket
> seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly
> but I'm no Dean Martin.
> ---------------------------
> I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach
> me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are
> you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
> --------------------------------
> I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I
> borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to
> bring it back tomorrow'
> --------------------------------
> A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?'
> 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly
> how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special,
> sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going
> to die.'

 


_______________________

Regards

 John

 


 

 




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16 Jan 2009 11:39 AM by neatrees Star rating in Vera Playa. 64 posts Send private message

An Amish man and his son are standing in front of an elevator in a building. They are watching with fascination as the silver walls open and close. The son turns to his father and says; "Pa what is that?" and Pa replies; "I have no idea son." As they are standing there an old ugly, fat woman in a wheelchair roles up, pushes the elevator button, roles in. Father and son watch as the silver walls come together and watch as the lights go up, pause then come down. Suddenly the silvers walls part and out comes this sizzling hot 24 year old blonde.

Father turns to his son and say; "boy, go get your mother!"

 



_______________________
Regards Neil



Like 0      
16 Jan 2009 11:12 PM by abbbb1 Star rating in Essex and Ciudad Que.... 306 posts Send private message

abbbb1´s avatar

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their
bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. 

And she was somewhat upset.  'You are a disrespectful
pig!' she cried.  'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful
wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want
a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love
so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,'
she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

 And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the
car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for
a lift..  She looked so down and out and defenseless that
I took pity on her and let her into the car.  I noticed that
she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She
told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.  So, in my
compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the e
nchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't
eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor
thing devoured them in moments.  Since she needed a
good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she
was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of
holes, so I threw them away.  Then, as she needed clothes,
I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few
years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.  I
also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary
present, which you don't wear because I don't have good
taste.  I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for
Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also
donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique
and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so
grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the
door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please, 
do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?


 



_______________________



Home
is where the heart is!




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