JOKES PLEASE .. IN HERE

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This was written by a black gentleman in Texas and is so funny. What a great sense of humour And creativity!!!   AND HOW TRUE.
 
    
 
 
 
   
 
 
   When U Black, U Black
 
   When I was born, I was BLACK,
 
   When I grew up, I was BLACK,
 
   When I go in the sun, I stay BLACK,
 
   When I get cold, I am BLACK,
 
   When I am scared, I am BLACK,
 
   When I am sick, I am BLACK,
 
   And when I die, I'll still be BLACK.
 
    
   
 
 
   
   
 
                 NOW, You 'white' folks....
 
   
   
 
   When you're born, you're PINK,
 
   When you grow-up, you're WHITE,
 
   When you go in the sun, you get RED,
 
   When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
 
   When you're scared, you're YELLOW,
 
   When you get sick, you're GREEN,
 
   When you bruise, you turn PURPLE,
 
   And when you die, you look GRAY.
 
   So who y'all be callin'
 
   COLORED Folks 
 
 

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'

'The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

'The third is 'What was the name of the swag-man in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'

St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.'

And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.

'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy?''

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.

Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How on earth did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his Billy boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...
 

And what's worse .. You're now singing it to yourself .......

Recently a survey was carrid out on the subject of newspapers read by commuters on the train. The results were as follows:

- The Times is read by people who run the country

- The Mirror is read by people who think they run the country

- The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country

- The Daily Mail is read by the wives of people who run the country

- The Financial Times is read by people who own the country

- The Daily Express is read by people who think the country should be run as it used to be

- The Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it still is

- and The Sun is read by people who don't care who runs the country, so long as she's got big bazookas!!

Note - no mention of the News of the World lol

 The speed in which a woman says "Nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the coming storm!!

A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you."
 
Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me ............. talking to the wine."..
 

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she

said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go

now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
You'll love this!!!!!!!!!)................    




The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.' 

WHO SAID PRIESTS DON’T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR?

Men Are Just Happier People -- 
What do you expect from such simple creatures? 
Your last name stays put. 
The garage is all yours. 
Wedding plans take care of themselves. 
Chocolate is just another snack. 
You can be President. 
You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you,

He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..

Everything on your face stays its original color..

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look..

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives

On December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .

EATING OUT

· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

· A woman has the last word in any argument.

· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it .... and to the men who will enjoy reading it..

 I'm going to create an advert of me eating my tea and have it broadcast in Africa.

See how they like it!

There are female jokes and there are unisex jokes.  Here is a joke I consider a true female joke.  

I offer it to you in the hopes
that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it! 

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.  

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00..  on one condition..." 

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." 

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....

"Clean my house."

(YOU GO, GIRL!) 

 

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 Dad: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: No.
Dad: The girl is Bill Gates' daughter.
Son: In that case, okay!

Dad goes to Bill Gates

Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates: No.
Dad: My son is the CEO of World Bank.
Bill Gates: In that case, okay!

Dad goes to the President of the World Bank

Dad: Appoint my son as the CEO of your bank.
President: No!
Dad: He is the son-in-law of Bill Gates.
President: In That case, okay!


And that's how you do business.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

 Just seen a fat person wearing a t-shirt which says " I love Hip Hop"

I think the 'C' and the 'S' have fallen off.

 What goes from 0-60 in under 3 seconds....

A petrol pump!!!!

** EDITED - Against forum rules **