| The Comments |
Subject: Fw: The Amish elevator
> >>>An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by
> >>>almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls
>
> >>>that could move apart and then slide back together again.
> >>>
> >>>The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen
> >>>an
> >>>elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my
>
> >>>life, I don't know what it is."
> >>>
> >>>While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old
>
> >>>lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a
> >>>button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
> >>>small
> >
> >>>room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
> >>>circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They
> >>>continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
> > numbers began to light in the reverse order.
> >>>
> >>>Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde
> >>>stepped out.
> >>>
> >>>The father said quietly to his son....."Go get your mother."
> >>>
> >>>
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>>Little Johnny asks his dad for a telly in his room.
>>He reluctantly agrees.
>>Next day Johnny comes downstairs and asks 'Dad, whats love juice?'
>>Dad looks horrified and tells Johnny all about sex.
>>Johnny just sat with his mouth open in amazement.
>>Dad says 'so, what were you watching?'.
>>Johnny said 'Wimbledon'.
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BACK TO SCHOOL!!
>> First day back at infant school after the Easter break.
>> Teacher asks little Julie 'what did you do while you were on holiday?'
>> Julie replies 'I went on a choo choo'.
>> Teacher said, 'no use grown up words, you went on a train'.
>> Teacher asks little Bobby 'what did you do while you were on holiday?'
>> Bobby replies 'I went in a brum brum'.
>> Teacher said, 'no, use grown up words, you went for a ride in a car, use grown up words'.
>> Teacher asks little Billy 'what did you do while you were on holiday?'
>> Billy said 'I read a book'.
>> Teacher said 'Oh, thats lovely, well done. What was the book called?'
>> Billy thinks for a moment and replies..........................................................................................................
>> 'Winnie the SHIT!'.
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This message was last edited by hudsey on 4/12/2007.
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A salesman checked into a futuristic motel.
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk
to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down
the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your
purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted
$15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine
started to buzz and whirl!
Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his
reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.!
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
'Manicures, $20.00.'
"Why not thought the salesman?
He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.!
The next machine had a sign that read,
'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and
with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost
passed out!
Fifteen seconds later it shut off...........................
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his member... which now had a button sewed on the end.!!!!!!!!!!
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1. I take my wife everywhere..... But she keeps finding her way back.
2. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
3. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.
3. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
4. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"
5. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
6. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
7. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
8. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
No virus found
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Heard about the cross eyed Judge?
He had 3 men in the dock, he said to the 1st man 'How do you plead?'
The 2nd man said 'Not Guilty'
The judge said 'I'm not speaking to you !!'
The 3rd man said 'I never said a word !!'
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European Union on Higher Alert
>
> European Union on Higher Alert
> The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
> threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
> Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated"
> or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the
> blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
> re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time
> the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the
> great fire of 1666.
>
> Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
> terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
> France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by
> a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
> paralyzing the country's military capability.
>
> It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of
> alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
> Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels
> remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
>
> The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
> Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."
> They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
>
> Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
> threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
>
> The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
> deploy. These beautifully designed boats have glass bottoms so
> the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish
> navy.
>
>
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THE CHICKEN STORY
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, “OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: your are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop"
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start".
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Darn … that’s the third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story? ...
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
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An Irish woman of advanced age visited her
> physician to ask for help in
> Reviving her husband's libido.
>
> "What about trying Viagra?" asks the
> doctor.
>
> "Not a chance," she said, "He won't even
> take an aspirin."
>
> "Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give
> him an Irish Viagra. Just
> Drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He
> won't even taste it. Try it
> and call me in a week to let me know how
> things went."
>
> Less than a week later, the wife called
> the doctor to report their
> progress. She exclaimed, "Oh, faith
> bejeezus and begorrah!
> T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
>
> "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
>
> "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it
> in his coffee and the effect
> was almost immediate. He jumped straight
> up, with a twinkle in his eye,
> and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
> With one swoop of his arm, he
> sent the cups and tablecloth flying,
> ripped me clothes to tatters and
> took me then and there! Took me
> passionately on the tabletop! It was a
> nightmare, I tell you, an absolute
> nightmare!"
>
> "Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do
> you mean the sex your husband
> provided wasn't good?"
>
> "Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!
> But sure as I'm sittin'
> here, I'll never be able to show me face
> in Starbucks again!"
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This message was last edited by Fruit on 4/17/2007.This message was last edited by Fruit on 4/17/2007.
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Fruit.....
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Dublins worst air disaster struck today when a two seater plane crashed into a
cememtary.............rescue workers have recovered 326 bodies..
digging continues......
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Subject: Husband and wife in bed together............
>
> Husband and wife in bed together.
> She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
>
> She: "Oh, that feels good."
> His hand moves to her breast.
>
> She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
>
> His hand moves to her leg.
>
> She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
>
> But he stops.
>
> She: "Why did you stop?"
>
>
> He: "I found the remote."
>
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Subj FW: Geordies
53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid"
convention.
Alan Shearer addresses the crowd "We are all here today to prove to the
world that Geordies are not stupid.
"Can I have a volunteer please ?"
Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the
stage.
Shearer asks him "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza
says,
"Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Geordies start
chanting "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
Shearer says "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and
global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.
So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually
says,
"Ninety?"
Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is
disheartened and Gazza starts crying.
But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands
shouting
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!
GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually
says, " What is 2 plus 2?"
Silence hangs over the stadium.
Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says,
"Four?"
Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd
stand
to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream
.>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
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A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
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During Sex
Calories Burned During Sex. . .
It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until
now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric content of different
sexual activities. Now, after "original and proprietary" research, the scientific
community is proud to present the results.
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent 12 Calories
Without her consent 2,187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands 8 Calories
With one hand 12 Calories
With your teeth 485 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection 6 Calories
Without an erection 3,315 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary 12 Calories
69 lying down 78 Calories
69 standing up 812 Calories
Wheelbarrow 216 Calories
Doggy Style 326 Calories
Italian chandelie r 2,912 Calories
ORGASMS:
Real 112 Calories
Fake 1,315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging 18 Calories
Getting up immediately 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately 1,816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years 36 Calories
30-39 years 80 Calories
40-49 years 124 Calories
50-59 years 1,972 Calories
60-69 years 7,916 Calories
70 and over Results are still pending
DRESSING AFTERWARDS
Calmly 32 Calories
In a hurry 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door 5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door 13,521 Calories
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IF A MAN SPEAKS IN THE MIDDLE OF A FOREST
AND THERE ARE NO WOMEN AROUND TO HEAR HIM
IS HE STILL WRONG????
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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I thought this was sooo funny!!!
PS have now moved this link to funny videos thread - where it should have been in the first place!!!
This message was last edited by Pitby on 4/20/2007.
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Thanks Jan for this and the one on the other thread. I laughed so much at both!!
Julia
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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