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You Gotta Love the Irish !
This is the transcription of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, October 1998. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98.
IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid a collision.
BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course.
IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.
BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER H.M.S. BRITANNIA! THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY
THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES north. I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
IRISH: We are a lighthouse................Your Call.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,
"Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied:
"Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
_______________________
Kev & Jess
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NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.
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A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out o f the coma.'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND
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Test for Dementia
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B elow are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately .
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> Let's find out just how clever you really are....
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> Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
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> First Question:
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> You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
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> Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
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> Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?
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> Second Question:
> If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down)
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> Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?
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> You're not very good at this, are you?
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> Third Question:
> V ery tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
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> Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 . Add another 1000. Now add 20 . Now add another 1000 . Now add 10. What is the total?
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> Scroll down for answer.....
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> Did you get 5000 ?
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> The correct answer is actually 4100.
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> If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe.
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> Fourth Question:
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> Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
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> Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.
> Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
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> Okay, now the bonus round:
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> A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
> Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
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> He just has to open his mouth and ask...
> It's really very simple.
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_______________________
Schools in Spain Guide | The Expat Files | Learn Spanish | Earn a living in Spain
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Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............
You'll like this
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
_______________________
Home is where the heart is!
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A lady goes on holiday leaving at home her husband, her mother and her cat.
Few days after she arrived to her destination, she called home. Her husband answered the phone and after a while talking about the nice hotel she was staying in she asked about her cat. "The cat is dead" the husband replied. She started crying and sobbing and told her husband how cruel he was about giving her the bad news so suddenly and at the beginning of her holiday.
You should have told me that the cat was on the roof, and that you had to call the firemen to get it down, that he got sick afterwards and so on adding something else everytime I called, instead of giving me the unexpected bad news. But anyway, ?how is my mother. "Oh! your mother is on the roof!
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This is a letter I recently sent to my bank.
Dear Sirs,
In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me correctly?
If I receive a cheque from you marked "Insufficient funds" how do I know if this refers to me or you?
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When you have a 'I Hate My Job' day,
[even if retired you have those sometimes] try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: |
'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.'
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!
_______________________
Stephen
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Is your mouse calibrated?
You should do this every few days. More often if you spend a lot of time on your computer. I was shocked to see that this works!
To re-calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the Y below. Then drag the Y toward the G. If it doesn't work, you might want to clean your mouse.
Y ou silly bugger You'll believe anythin g
_______________________
Stephen
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FUNNY 
A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.'
'Yes, see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.'
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'
_______________________
 ' Do unto others as you would be done by'
Now a non-smoker !
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A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the fu # k do you want?'
'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. 'Ryanair'.
_______________________
Stephen
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A man from Liverpool walks into the local Job Centre, marches straight up to the counter and says, 'Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing benefits. I'd really rather have a job.'
The social worker behind the counter says, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is £200,000 a year.'
The guy, wide-eyed, says, 'You're bullshitting' me!'
The Social Worker says, 'Yeah, well... You started it.'
_______________________
Stephen
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Costume Party
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. Got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without
Pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought
She would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he
Acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around
On the dance floor, dancing with every nice looking woman he could,
And copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself,
He left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to
The new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished,
Naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed..
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home,
Put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
Explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what
Kind of a time he had.
He said: 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good
Time when you're not there.'
'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there,
I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys and we went into the
Den and played poker all evening.
But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned
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_______________________
Home is where the heart is!
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A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
_______________________
Stephen
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** EDITED - Please post inoffensive jokes only **
_______________________
Stephen
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Giving Up Wine
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you us e it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Inst ead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
_______________________
Home is where the heart is!
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Nice one Abs, made me laugh out loud and show my husband 
The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.
Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the area, stands up and proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new BMW every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,
'If the Vicar will stay on here I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs.Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F**k him !
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