| The Comments |
This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
0
Like
|
This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
0
Like
|
A This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
0
Like
|
This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
0
Like
|
This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
0
Like
|
|
This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
0
Like
|
Subject: Reasons Why Women Are Like Soccer Pitches
1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.
2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends, but one end per 45 minutes is favourable.
4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.
5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.
6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.
7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley,also,never mention pitches previously visited.
8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.
9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner.
10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.
11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.
12. Always tread carefully when leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel.
13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.
14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.
15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.
16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.
17. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.
18. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.
19. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week
_______________________
0
Like
|
---------------------------------------------------
A Blonde's Year in Review.
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water
won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the
other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped
because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days . instructions said 1 hour per
pound and I weigh 108!!
December - Couldn't call 911 .... "duh".....there's no "eleven" button
on the stupid phone!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
_______________________
0
Like
|
And finally............ "Normal life" is:
Leaving the house in the morning,
dressed in clothes that you bought on credit for work,
driving through the traffic in a car that you are still paying for,
in order to get to the job that you hate,
but need so badly
so that you can pay for the clothes, car and the house
that you leave empty the whole day,
in order to live in it.
...........
_______________________
0
Like
|
IRISH GAS STATION
Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new
Mercedes into an Irish gas station.
An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf
pro is... "Top o' the mornin to ya".
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.
"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimes the Irish attendant.
"Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything...
_______________________
FibbyUK
One off fee to pay your own La Renta tax (210 Form)
Check out my website:
http://www.payingtaxesinspain210form.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
0
Like
|
A young couple wanted to join a church.
The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed.
After two-and-a-half weeks they returned to the Church.
When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the
husband obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the Reverend inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from
sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.
The Reverend asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain
through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of
prayer, we managed to abstain."
"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer,
reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.
One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she
bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her
right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated
the Reverend.
"We know.." said the young man, hanging his head.
"We're not welcome at Homebase either".
_______________________
FibbyUK
One off fee to pay your own La Renta tax (210 Form)
Check out my website:
http://www.payingtaxesinspain210form.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
0
Like
|
This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
0
Like
|
This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
0
Like
|
This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
0
Like
|
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her
straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell HIM you have a headache."
_______________________
0
Like
|
One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma "
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
-----------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
-----------------------------------------------------------
Send this to all the bright, funny women you know and make their day!
And to the bright men who have enough sense of humor to enjoy it
No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG
_______________________
0
Like
|
This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
0
Like
|
Funeral Costs
>
> John, died. His Will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
>
> "Well, I'm sure John, would be pleased," she said.
>
> "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
>
> "How much did this really cost?"
>
> "All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
>
> "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
>
> Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone." Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone?
>
> My God, how big is it?!"
>
> "Two and a half carats."
>
_______________________
0
Like
|
Subject: Fw: PEOPLE HUMOR :-)
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, isn't it?
----------------------------------------------------
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104? " the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
----------------------------------------------------
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I 'm 85 or 92. Have los t all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
----------------------------------------------------
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
----------------------------------------------------
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"
----------------------------------------------------
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
---------------- -----------------------------------
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
----------------------------------------------------
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
---------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
----------------------------------------------------
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
_______________________
0
Like
|