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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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Sorry, just seemed like we were getting a bit of a bashing in here, so thought I'd throw one in to cheer the lads up. I'll stick to pics of pussies (kittens)
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"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please"
Mark Twain
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Yeah, got told off for the beer thing, Smiley. Next we'll be accused of being p**sheads, so just for the record, I only drink light beer......
_______________________
"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please"
Mark Twain
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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Just thought I'd join in!
Finally! -- a Blonde GUY Joke!
Blonde guy gets home early from work and hears
strange noises coming from
the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife
naked on the bed, sweating
and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a
heart attack," cries the
woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but
just as he's dialling,
his 4-year-old son comes up and says: "Daddy! Daddy!
Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no
clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms
upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife,
and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his
brother, totally
naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten b@stard," says the husband, "my wife's having
a heart attack and you're running around naked
scaring the kids!"
Men
Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him.
Then tell him to pick
only one.
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the
toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they
need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women:....
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every
need... A man wants every
woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your
e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction
manuals"
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My hubby's contribution!
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Subject: Fw: Police warning
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs, to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, in cans, from taps, and in large "kegs." Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific-looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship" It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as a "Marriage" Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know. (And women with a sense of humor!) If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
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A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you
probably won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again and everything, but something
happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your pen*s was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The bloke groans a bit, but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will
work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch".
The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch.
"So the thing is" the doctor says, " it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.
For instance, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine
inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role
in helping you make the decision."
So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.
"So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the fellow.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the bloke.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
The bloke looks up and says "We're getting a new kitchen".
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Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe.
He forces himself to open his eyes,and the first thing he sees is a couple
of aspirin next to a glass of water on theside table. And, next to them,a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him,
all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in
perfect order, spotlessly clean.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye
staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the
table:"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to goshopping--Love
you"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper.
His son is also at thetable,eating.
Jack asks "Son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 am,
drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture,puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when
you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean,
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies,"Oh THAT!
Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers
off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, you tart, I'm married!
Broken furniture #85.26
Hot Breakfast #4.20
Red rosebud #3.00
Two Aspirins #0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........P r I c e l e s s
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Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river."
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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Yep. I can see them now! 
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Two women friends had gone for a "girls night out." They both were very faithful, loving wives... however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Margaritas at the Rio.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them... luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it... so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home.
The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read:
FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION... WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!"
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Subject: Girls night out - a cautionary tale!
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A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to
Frank every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"
Cabbie: "There's more"......."He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to
order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."
Passenger. "Wow, some bloke then"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."
"Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was
always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his f*cking widow."
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Let me know if this works - can u see the photo?
Alligator killed by dogs.
This is pretty gruesome, but I think you should see it! Do not scroll down until you read completely as the image below is very disturbing.
An Awesome Display of Cunning Pack Mentality
At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and
even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.
The alligator, an ultimate predator and normally
considered the "apex predator" in its ecosystem, can still
fall victim to team-work strategy. The tight-knit social structure of the dog pack
has been refined by thousands of years of natural selection.
The attached remarkable photograph is courtesy of Nature Magazine.
Note that the alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the alligator, which impairs its
breathing, while the remainder of the pack prevents the beast
from rolling.
 This message was last edited by Annie21 on 1/30/2007.
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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