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A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says - "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!"
"What a "coincidence" - the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating. "
"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating! " -says the woman.
"What a "coincidence" - says the farmer as they clinked glasses he asks -"What are you celebrating? "
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for a long time and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence" - says the man... "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs.."
"That's great!" - says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock" - he replied.
The woman smiled and said -"What a coincidence. .."
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Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the
teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
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AN IRISH GHOST STORY
This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
'Look Paddy.....there's that feckin' idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'
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The love story of Ralph and Edna...
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool
Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end end he sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital,
as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'
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The Man City joke I posted was about the size of Shaun Wright Phillips (just over 5fett tall) and his resemblence of a young boy and not a footballer. No mention was made to the colour of his skin and no racial overtones were intended.
Apologies if anyone deems the joke as racist as it certainly wasn;t my intention.
I suspect though that the P.C brigade who read the thread will now accuse me of dwarfism !
_______________________
TUGAY (Dave & Sheila)
San Miguel De Salinas
Costa Blanca
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> FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
>
> NUMBER 5: They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.
>
> NUMBER 4: 'This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the
> time-management course you sent me to.
>
> NUMBER 3: 'Whew! Guess I left the top off the Tipex. You probably got here
> just in time!
>
> NUMBER 2: Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you
> put your ear down real close?
>
> And MY all time Favorite:
>
> NUMBER 1: best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:
> (Raising your head slowly) '... in Jesus' name, Amen
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Why girls should avoid a girls night out after they are married.... If
this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of
humor.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the
hours passed, and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3
a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake
up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming
up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible
conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9
cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos= MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
"MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away
with that one!
Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said 'oh shit,' cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped
over the coffee table and farted."
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Modern Day diagnosis
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Wal-Mart has everything
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog , urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
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_______________________
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Subject: Essex Girl Jokes
An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
'How many children?' asks the council worker.
'10' replies the Essex girl.
'10?' says the council worker. 'What are their names?'
'Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne.'
'Doesn't that get confusing?'
'Naah...' says the Essex girl 'it’s great because if they are out playing in
the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it...'
'What if you want to speak to one individually?' says the perturbed council worker.
'That's easy,' says the Essex girl... 'I just use their surnames.'
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An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
'I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.' she says.
'Come again?' says the clerk, cupping his ear.
'No' she replies. 'This time it's mayonnaise.'
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Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says 'Choose from our range on the wall.'
She says 'I'll take the red one.'
The man replies 'That's a fire extinguisher.'
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An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.
The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: 'It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?'
Girl: 'OK'
Medic: 'What's your name?'
Girl: ' Sharon .'
Medic: 'OK Sharon , is this your car?'
Sharon : 'Yes.'
Medic: 'Where are you bleeding from?'
Sharon : 'Romford, mate.'
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An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, 'Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!'
'It's not just one car!' said the Essex girl, 'There's f*cking hundreds of them!'
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Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the ground.
Medic: 'OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.'
Sharon : 'Ok.'
Medic: 'How many fingers am I putting up?'
Sharon : 'Oh my god, I'm paralysed from the waist down!'
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AND FINALLY..........
An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.
She says, 'Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?'
The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, 'Well, I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot'
'Cor blimey', exclaims the Essex girl, 'So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!'
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 The Fromies from Sierra Golf
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Euro-English
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European Union rather
than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-
year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English' .
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in
favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have
one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond
year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will
make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag
is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords
kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl
riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in
ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pep- Ja?
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Phoned up the tourist information line to find out about my prebooked holiday to Mexico..............and all I got was a crackling sound!
_______________________
Nobody plans to fail, many fail to plan, sadly the result is the same.
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Sapin.........................a civilised society
THAT IS A REAL JOKE
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Tips to beat the credit crunch
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KV58 LGP.
DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house an walking around wearing a miner's hat.
HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble-full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to the hospice shop, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for a couple of quid.
CAN'T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes.
MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.
SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.
And finally my personal favourite ....
WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't care less anyway and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house afterwards.
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These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget .
This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust.
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A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.
A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.
.....
_______________________
one of the best wholesale-business
my site: savepurs
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A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.
A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.
.....
_______________________
one of the best wholesale-business
my site: savepurs
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'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance,
But it does stop your biscuit from going soft.
This message was last edited by sandra on 29/05/2009.
_______________________
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According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers.... and then there are educators.
_______________________
Schools in Spain Guide | The Expat Files | Learn Spanish | Earn a living in Spain
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** EDITED - Please keep them clean! **
This message was last edited by EOS Team on 07/06/2009.
_______________________
Nobody plans to fail, many fail to plan, sadly the result is the same.
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