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WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parent's objections, Deep schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, fulla schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a duel ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were called Dawg, Byrd and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone say's, 'You don't know Jack Schitt' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
_______________________
Stephen
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Your Yearly Dementia Test
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert... If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say " silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet overGermany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four g et on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on . In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
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_______________________
Stephen
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Three dogs meet at the local vet waiting room. A bassett, a boxer and a doberman.
The bassett said: "it is sad to be here, I think my owner is tired of me, I am old, I leak and everywhere I sit I made a puddle, I think he wants to talk to the vet about putting me down". The three of them look sad.
Then the boxer said: "I am to be castrated as my owner thinks I am hyperactive and I am destroying the house, they want me to calm down and they think I have too much testosterone". They all felt silent, waiting for the doberman to tell his story, but he would not say so, the bassett asked him "what about you, what is your problem"?
He goes all cocky: "well, my owner is Claudia Schiffer, she came out of the bath one day just wrapped on her towel and as she passed in front of me, the towel dropped and she bent to pick it up"...... I could not resist the view and there I went......
The other two dogs almost fainted with shock. "Oh my god, and what are they going to do to you now"? they asked in unison.
"I AM HAVING MY NAILS CUT!!!!! SAID THE DOBERMAN.
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A lady walks into a high class jewelry shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?' He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price.
_______________________
Stephen
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These are genuine clips from British Council flat (apartment) tenants complaining
To the Council about problems with their flats.
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my
back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6 a.m. His cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night..
6. Our neighbour's 18-year-old son is continually banging
his balls against my fence.
7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour & not fit to drink.
16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof.
I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
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_______________________
Stephen
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Officer, this is how the fight started...
I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.
So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of
the car I hit gets out of his car. . . and you know how you
just-get-sooo-stressed... and life...sometimes life seems like...
suddenly funny?
Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car
and
I get out of my car.
He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close to
me he looks up in my face and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
And I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I looked down at him
and I said, 'Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?'
.... And that's when the fight started...
_______________________
Stephen
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Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four'
'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts
disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five
persons.'
'You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four. You
have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.'
The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want
to speak to someone with more intelligence!'
'Sorry,' responds Paddy, ' Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'
_______________________
Kev & Jess
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Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
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In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
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On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
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On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
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On a Church's Bill board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
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At a Tyre Store
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
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On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
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In a Non-smoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
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On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
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At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
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On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
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On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
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At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
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Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
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In a Vets waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
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In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
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And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
**********************
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'
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_______________________
Stephen
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A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane ?
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says:
Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says:
'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the
middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.
The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replies,
'He just found a bomb !'
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THIS IS INCREDIBLE .......Read all the numbers.......Slowly and in order.....
Be careful not to miss any.....
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
NOW SCROLL DOWN
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JUST A BIT FURTHER
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TOMORROW I WILL SEND YOU THE ABC
ITS SO EASY TO AMUSE OLD PEOPLE
Hope it was worth the wait
_______________________
Stephen
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YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT
Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but
your waiter may know!
YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH
This is pretty neat
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read .
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to
go out to eat. (more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758...
If you haven't, add 1757.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number. ( I. e., How many times
you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)
The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE ! ------ (Oh YES, it is!)
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HOW ???
Just tell me how it does that?? 'cos it was right ! ! ! 
_______________________
 ' Do unto others as you would be done by'
Now a non-smoker ! 
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It's crazy isn't it? - Here is another one
Think of a number
Multiply it by 9
add the digits together
takeaway 5
Now allocate a letter to the number
(e.g 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, 4=D, 5=E etc)
Now with the letter, think of a country that begins with that letter
& Then
Think of an animal that starts with the second letter of the country
Your Answer is:
DENMARK & ELEPHANT
Doesn't work every time but I would guess somewhere around 95% it will. This message was last edited by nfm2862 on 11/24/2008.
_______________________
www.alandaluscarhire.com
www.vera-apartment.com
www.verathalassa.es
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When Madonna first moved to England she said she wanted to feel more English.
She is shortly to become an unmarried, single mother with three kids from different fathers, one of them black.
Job done ??
_______________________
Stephen
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Not quite - I don't think she'll qualify for benefits or free housing etc  lol
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A woman takes a baby for its check up at the clinic.
The young good looking doctor examines the baby boy and then weighs him, he then asks the woman "is this child breast or bottle fed?"
"Oh he's breast fed doctor, why do you ask? answered the woman.
"Because he appears to be a little underweight, please strip to the waist" said the doctor.
He examined the womans breasts very thoroughly, he even held her nipples between his thumb and finger and then said "This is very strange, you are not producing any milk".
"I know", answered the woman, "I'm his grandmother but I'm glad that my daughter asked me to bring him".
_______________________
I'm Spartacus, well why not?
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2008's First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
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