JOKES PLEASE .. IN HERE

A Male and female doctor have sex. Before and after the female doctor gets up and washes her hands. The male doctor says "I bet you are a surgeon you are always washing your hands". She replies "I bet you are an anaesthetist". "Wow" he says "you are right how did you guess that?" The female doctor replies " because I didn't feel a thing"

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to
university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly
has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe
what modern education is developing. They actually
have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog
Ol' Blue how to talk."

"That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue
in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $2,000," the young
jackaroo says, "I'll get him in the course."

So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again
runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue
doing, son?" his father wants to know.

"Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just
won't believe this. They've had such good results
with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how
to read."

"Read?!" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we
get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a
problem. At the end of the year, his father will find
out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots
the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year,
his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with
him, and see him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home,
Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the
recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he
suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy
still messing around with that little redhead barmaid
at the pub?'"

The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that
bastard before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

 The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

I like that one kelju!!!!

Thanksgiving Divorce
 
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.  'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.' She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT g etting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
 
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay' he says, 'they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.'

From elsewhere

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice', she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

Love it Smiley!

I will look out for them in our local Irish bar!!!

A Young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away. He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. 
 
Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the Following letter:

A man called home to his wife and said, ' Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends .

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up'

' Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. '

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, 'Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?'

You'll love the answer...

The wife replied, 'I did. They're in your fishing box ...'

Never Lie To A Woman...!!!

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty
the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." 
 

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?"

Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2007

Michael O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best  toast of the night.'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?' 

Michael said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, Michael!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of Michael's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'Michael won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said,  'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.  You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

Hope no one is offended by this....I thought it was really funny !!

Why chocolate is better than sex.

• You can GET chocolate.
• "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
• Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
• You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
• You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
• You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
• If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
• Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
• The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
• You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
• You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
• You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
• With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
• Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
• You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
• Good chocolate is easy to find.
• You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
• You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
• When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbours awake.
• With chocolate size doesn't matter.