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Janice the Ladies Room was really funny, and so true.
No Comment on Grandma's Birthday
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Johnny fancied a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said:
I'll give you a £100 for s*x, but the girl said NO.
Johnny said: "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
boyfriend... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't
even be able to get his pants down.
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the
boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally after 45mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...
She said "the b*****d used coins"!
Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed
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How Men Think...
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was
washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on
the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough
there was sizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As
crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and
bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the
curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his
wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart
rate.
The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?"
they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure; maybe she choked".
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HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods! are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"
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_______________________
Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com www.marbellamortgages.com www.comparetravelcash.co.uk
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Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush, "his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
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Why, Why, Why?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you
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A young man named Tony bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When the farmer drove
up the next day, he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news...the donkey
is on my truck, but he's dead."
Tony replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "I can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Tony said, "OK then, just unload the donkey anyway".
The farmer asked, "What are ya gonna do with him?"
Tony said, "I'm going to raffle him off." To which the farmer exclaimed,
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
But Tony, with a big smile on his face, said "Sure I can. Watch me. I just
won't tell anybody that he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Tony and asked, "What happened with
that dead donkey?"
Tony said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and
made a profit of £698.00."
Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had
stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"
And Tony replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead
was the raffle winner, when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his
£2 back plus £200 extra, which is double the going value of a donkey, so he
thought I was a great guy."
Tony grew up and eventually became the labour Prime Minister of Britain,
and no matter how many times he lied or how much money he stole from British
tax payers, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of
them thought he was a great guy......................and the next one is
likely to be no better!
_______________________
Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com www.marbellamortgages.com www.comparetravelcash.co.uk
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 This message was last edited by lewjan62 on 2/6/2007.This message was last edited by lewjan62 on 2/6/2007.
_______________________
Jan
www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk
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_______________________
Jan
www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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Words with 2 meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
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The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me
a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I
want a divorce straight away!"
And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll
say to me!"
And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive
home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are
too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary
present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same"
The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful
for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she
turned to me! with tears in her eyes and said, Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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not the worlds best at posting pictures Janice. Looks like Justin baled me out again, thanks Justin. I will try and get better!!!
_______________________
Jan
www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk
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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.
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