| The Comments |
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She
knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing,
and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work." The daughter-in-law
answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my
love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!" "Justin loves me to wear this dress,"
she explained. "Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly
becomes romantic and ravages me for hours. The mother-in-law left.
When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best
perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the
couch.
Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. What are you doing?"
he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said......... "What's for dinner?"
_______________________
 ' Do unto others as you would be done by'
Now a non-smoker ! 
0
Like
|
>
>There once was an Apache Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So
>named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked
>everyone not
>to call him Onestone
>
>After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
>"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got
>around and nobody called him that any more.
>
>Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
>morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
>the forest where
>he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the
>next
>day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
>
>The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
>
>Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman
>named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many
>years.
>
>Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
>Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone."
>
>Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love
>to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the
>next day,
>made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
>
>And the moral of this story is ...................... ????
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>
>
>You can't kill two birds with one stone!!
_______________________
' Do unto others as you would be done by'
Now a non-smoker !
0
Like
|
Continuing the Native American Indian theme:
NAVAJO MESSAGE TO THE MOON
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly, but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
An official government translator was summoned.
After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:
"WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES.
THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."
_______________________
"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please"
Mark Twain
0
Like
|
DOGS DIARY
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
6:00 pm - OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE!
6:30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING IN MY PEOPLES BED! MY FAVORITE!
CATS DIARY
Day 183
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I
was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power
of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.
_______________________
0
Like
|
oooooh.........i know it's only a joke, but i hate those jokes, making dogs out to be stupid.........my cat was my dear pet who i thought alot of, he was independant, fun, but selfish when he wanted and very cruel to small animals. My dog was so much more, he was my faithful friend who was also clever and great fun, a good guard dog, and would defend me and my family with his life if he had to.
0
Like
|
 What the boss would like to write on a "one to one"?!
- I would not allow this employee to breed.
- This worker is not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whatever foot was previously there.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
- Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not looking.
- Has a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.
- A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
- A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
- If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you will get change.
- If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
- Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
_______________________
FibbyUK
One off fee to pay your own La Renta tax (210 Form)
Check out my website:
http://www.payingtaxesinspain210form.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
0
Like
|
This one made me chuckle particularly in light of did Philip Fart!!!
RECTUM DEODORANT, POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER!
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
'I'm sorry', says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any!'
'But I always buy it here,' says the blonde 'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.
'YES', said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.' She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant'
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.........
.....(Wait for it).....scroll down..............
..
..
'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.'
_______________________
FibbyUK
One off fee to pay your own La Renta tax (210 Form)
Check out my website:
http://www.payingtaxesinspain210form.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
0
Like
|
And there was me expecting the old Swede goes into a pharmacy joke.
I'd like some deodorant please.
Ball or aerosol?
No, it's for under my arms.
0
Like
|
Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty quid " she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its only twenty quid.
So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," Paddy answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," Paddy says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face.
_______________________
Jan
www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk
0
Like
|
After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices a photo of a man on her bedside table.
At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he.
But after a month or so into the relationship he begins to stress about it, even imagining the photo is staring at him doing the deed.
It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask about it.
Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me 6 months ago"
_______________________
Jan
www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk
0
Like
|
Hope I have not repeated this:
It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma
to fix one: a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their
jobs.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe
sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked
with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
_______________________
-Simon-
0
Like
|
A man goes to a fancy dress party in just his underwear. He knocks on the door and the host answers, and looks the man up and down and says "what have you come as?" The man answers, "a premature ejaculation". The host replies "what do you mean?" The man says "I've come in my pants!"
0
Like
|
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does His chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
_______________________
FibbyUK
One off fee to pay your own La Renta tax (210 Form)
Check out my website:
http://www.payingtaxesinspain210form.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
0
Like
|
Four friends , who hadn't seen each other in 30 years , reunited at a party.
After several drinks , one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said , "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company.
He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said , "Darn , that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline , and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company , where he owns the majority of its assets.
He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well , that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire.
He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30 , 000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:
"What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No , I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either.
His birthday was two weeks ago , and he received a beautiful 30 , 000 square foot mansion , a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
0
Like
|
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says......................
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"
This message was last edited by orda on 9/19/2007.
0
Like
|
Two old men...Sid and Slim were sat on a park bench having a natter.. Sid says, ' you know Slim it's not fun gettin old I ache all over, how do you feel'. Slim replies,' me I feel like a new born baby...I've no hair, no teeth ...and I think I've jsut wet myself.
_______________________
Fruit.....
0
Like
|
Powers of Observation.........
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe,
look towards sky, what you see? "
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in
Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in
the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small
and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo s**t. It means someone stole the tent. "
_______________________
0
Like
|
Tommy Cooper jokes....
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana,press the hash key...'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn'tfind any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that hecouldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled himin.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in thecraft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van coveredwith hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, isthere anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Becausehe's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start.'
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'
0
Like
|
|
Orda, that was ace, it really was. Don't miss it, guys & gals.
_______________________
0
Like
|