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Before his inauguration, George Bush was invited to a "get acquainted" tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his bathroom. When he entered Clinton's personal bathroom, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal. That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "When I am president, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn't do something that self-indulgent!"
Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal. That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill.... "I found out who Pi*sed in your Saxophone."
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WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her
wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th
birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak
very well, but she could write notes when she needed
to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn,
Grandma started leaning off to the right so some
family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later,
she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family
members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase
around her waist to hold her up. A grandson, who
arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi,
Grandma; you re looking good! How are they treating
you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly
wrote a note to the grandson.
.
"They won't let me fart!"
_______________________
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Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk:
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>a) Innovative
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>b) Preliminary
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>c) Proliferation
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>d) Cinnamon
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>Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:
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>a) Specificity
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>b) British Constitution
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>c) Passive-aggressive disorder
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>d) Transubstantiate
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>Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
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>a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you
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>b) Nope, no more booze for me
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>c) Sorry, but you're not really my type
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>d) No kebab for me, thank you
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>e) Good evening officer,isn't it lovely out tonight
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>f) I'm not interested in fighting you
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>g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing
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>h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
>co-ordination
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>i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street
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>j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning
_______________________
Regards
John
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WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that,
he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to my hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand!!??"
_______________________
FibbyUK
One off fee to pay your own La Renta tax (210 Form)
Check out my website:
http://www.payingtaxesinspain210form.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
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Fibby
I have the same problem too but I think its more to do with my top set falling out!!!
_______________________
Regards
John
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There were two golfers on the golf course (couldn't have been sierra golf) . One of the men pulled out a cigarette and asked his friend for a light. His friend pulls out a 12inch Bic lighter.Wow, where did you get such a large Bic?. Oh my genie got it for me. Your genie? You have a genie? Where is he. He's in my golf bag. The friend says can I see him? His friend says yes sure! So the friend looks in the bag and out comes the genie. The man says to the genie; I am your masters best friend. Would you grant me just one wish.The genie says yes, just one wish. So the man wishes for a million bucks. The genie goes back into the bag without saying a word, Pretty soon the sky starts to get dark. Then it gets even darker. The man looks up and sees a million ducks flying over. He gets real upset and says, what is the matter with your genie? Is he hard of hearing? I said a million bucks, not a million ducks. His friend said to him ,do you really think I asked for a 12inch Bic.
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How to have a stress free life.......... I'm told you have to finish everything that you've started.
So today I'm finishing...... Half bottle red wine, the other half of white, there's half a bottle of gin, vodka, and brandy & 3/4 bottle of rum (left over from Christmas ) the box of chocs in the fridge...hic hic and i'm slurrrrrrr sorrrry sure that when I've done I'll be strrrrrrrrris fweeeeeeeeeeeee.
_______________________
Fruit.....
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Paddy is in the disco, he asks a girl " fancy a s**g"
She replies "sorry im on my menstraul cycle"
"Great" says paddy "im on my scooter i will follow you home"
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Nowadays 80% of women have decided against marriage. They have realised that for 4oz of sausage its not worth marrying the whole pig.
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In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
_______________________
Jan
www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk
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Two boys one age 8yrs the other age 5yrs, the 8yr old said we should start swearing. In the morning when we go to breakfast I'll swear first then you swear, OK said the 5yr old. Next morning the mother says to the 8 yr old what would you like for breakfast, Oh shit I,ll have Coco pops. Whack the mother knocks him off his seat and he runs upstairs bawling his eyes out. The mother then asks the 5yr old what he'd like for breakfast he replies well it won't be f--king Coco pops.
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CHINESE WEDDING NIGHT
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...
"You want... Garric Chicken with corrifrowa?"
(And don't ask me why they were talking in English!!)This message was last edited by Pitby on 6/12/2007.
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The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don''t know sh*t?" 
_______________________
Jan
www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk
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The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House." He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kinds of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The ******** funeral director would be my first guess 
_______________________
Jan
www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk
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What do you do if you see s spaceman?
Park in it man !!!!!!!!!!!
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