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** EDITED - Against forum rules ** This message was last edited by EOS Team on 07/08/2011.
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Its many a time a mans mouth broke his nose
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** EDITED - Against forum rules ** This message was last edited by EOS Team on 07/08/2011.
_______________________
Its many a time a mans mouth broke his nose
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** EDITED - Against forum rules ** This message was last edited by EOS Team on 07/08/2011.
_______________________
Its many a time a mans mouth broke his nose
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** EDITED - Against forum rules ** This message was last edited by EOS Team on 07/08/2011.
_______________________
Its many a time a mans mouth broke his nose
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My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
"I've just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!"
I put down my paper: "Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will."
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I don't understand the fuss about the speed of light.
It's been as slow as hell since I changed to energy saver bulbs
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On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales ........
At the town of :Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch
They stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the very blonde Welsh waitress,
"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.
Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?"
The girl leaned over and said,"Burrr.... Gurrr.... King."
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New information on shampoos:
I have just discovered this important information below.
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!!
It's the shampoo I use in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body.
Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
No WONDER I have been gaining weight!!!
Well, I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dish Washing Liquid instead.
It's label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved!
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A HEALTH MESSAGE
As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's ass.
It's the tortoise life for me!
1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, eats only fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and lives only 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
I'm retired. Go around me!
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ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch each day in the Men's Grill at the Golf Club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points..
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods... She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the front lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too. .
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder.. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club..
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- Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
- Yes I am. You see, I am married to the wrong woman!
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https://sites.google.com/site/cancerbreastinfo
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A woman goes to the Doctor, with bruises on her face.
The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he slaps me around."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!
How does the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water does f*** all…it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."
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Mick & Pam 
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Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
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Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the Bloody thing up.
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Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her Contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
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An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
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Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his Feet.
"What the hell you doing?" he asks.
"Hangin’ meself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I tried dat" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
…………… ………….. ……………….
An American tourist asks an Irish dive master:
"Why do Scuba divers always Fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be In the boat."
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I'm watching Children In Need.
Or, as Madonna likes to call it, The Shopping Channel !!!
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I was arguing with Tom Cruise about scientology,
He said, "Try to see it from my point of view",
So I knelt down
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Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there." The Spaniard replied; "No."
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Schools in Spain Guide | The Expat Files | Learn Spanish | Earn a living in Spain
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Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage".
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit.
He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy.
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After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin .
In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.
Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.
'How 'bout that ! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder.'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.'
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** EDITED - PLEASE keep them clean **
This message was last edited by EOS Team on 28/11/2011.
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Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger..'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I've been here already tonight?'
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.
PS.. Have I sent this to you already?
_______________________
Julie
www.wisemovetospain.com
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